It’s Not Cricket!

It’s Not Cricket!

The Minister of State of Youth Affairs and Sports Sarbananda Sonowal has moved a bill in Lok Sabha to ban the use of cricket balls with immediate effect.

He has asked Prime Minister Narendra Modi to issue an executive order to this effect till the formal passage of the bill titled “Stop Hurting our Scared Mother.”

“Respected Speakers, the Most Respectable Prime Minister and Honourable members of this House, I am presenting this bill, “Stop Hurting our Scared Mother” for immediate approval by this august assembly.

“It is commonly known that cricket in India is a religion. And the religion of India is Hinduism. But Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, this so-called “gentleman’s’ game” is anathema to our religion. The cricket ball is made of cowhide! Yes, indeed from the very skin of our Sacred Mother.

“Can we further allow such criminal behavior? Under the guise of sports, eleven of India’s finest heroes are obliged to handle the skin of our Sacred Mother in the most despicable manner. Imagine the pain to our Sacred Mother when a ball is dispatched for six, where it can land anywhere! I mean anywhere, clean or unclean.

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, can we allow this insult to continue? What rules the game? Nonsense! India has the biggest market and it is our right to make the rules. Therefore till such time an alternative material is found, cricket will be played with plastic balls. Only those visiting teams will be issued visas who agree to abide by our rules.

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, this bill obliges the Board of Cricket Control of India to limit playing with only those teams that agree to play with plastic balls. Our BCCI has the financial clout to makes its voice understood.

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, this bill obliges the Council of Scientific and Industrial Research to forthwith launch research and develop an alternative to cowhide for making cricket balls. I am told that the balls are made of cowhide, which is the cheapest leather available. But what are a few rupees in relation to our Sacred Mother?

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, of course, once the alternative ball is introduced, it will be India’s copyright, and no one on earth can play cricket or any sports without paying us royalty!

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, as you know that the laws of cricket are a set of rules established by the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC). The MCC, as you may know, is a private club based in London in England and is now is longer the game’s official governing body; however the MCC retains the copyright in the laws of the game and only the MCC may change the laws, although nowadays this would usually only be done after discussions with the game’s global governing body the International Cricket Council (ICC). Thankfully now, it is India that controls the ICC in collaboration with Australia and England. I do not need to mention that Australia and England are obligated to India as their players hunger for our Indian Premier League. Therefore, I know there will be no hindrances: India will get what India demands. At this juncture, I have to record my appreciation for Shri Narayanaswami Srinivasan who in 2014 steered England and Australia into submission to enact the ‘Big Three’ arrangement, which is all but in name, and is only India’s paramount status.

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, I have already discussed the matter with Arun Jaitley, our leader in the Rajya Sabha. We are speaking with one voice that cricket cannot be played at the expense of the honour of our Sacred Mother.

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, lately, I have noted that American football is trying to branch itself in England. And I am sure considering the strength of our Indian market, they too will try to come here. But let us, from the floor of this honourable house, warn the Americans that before their football, or what they call football, is brought to India, they have to alter their ball manufacturing technology. They too are using the skins of our Sacred Mother.

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, this bill also will impose a complete ban on anything made with the skin our Sacred Mother.

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, if fact, I would strongly urge the CSIR to investigate if cricket balls or balls for any sports should be made of pigskin. I am sure you see the wisdom in this proposal, it is what we call “ek pun du kaaj” or as they say in English “killing two birds with one stone.” First, it will end the violation of the honour of our Sacred Mother, and secondly, and even more importantly, it will eliminate the participation of Muslims in all sports. (Chuckles) No more cricket in Pakistan, or even hockey, or football! We can thus have real Indian sports teams of an India which is of the Hindus, for the Hindus, and by the Hindus. (Chuckles) Of course, only Salman Rushdie, who loves ham sandwiches, will be ready to play with a pigskin ball!

“Honourable Ladies and Gentlemen, I have humbly laid the case before this august assembly, and I request urgent approval. It is nothing but a win-win situation for India. Jai Hind!”

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