We Need Everything to Protect Us

Former president Asif Zardari is in a meeting with his family, besides his three children, Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa, there are his sister Faryal Talpur and her husband Mir Munawar Ali Talpur.

“We know it is quite confusing the way this interim government is handling things. While the Supreme Court says that they did not order Faryal and me to be placed on the no-fly list, but there are reports that the Federal Investigation Agency (FIA) has both of us on the list as this recently-introduced, Provincial National Identification List, enables them to bar anyone from flying abroad for a period of 30 days,” murmured the former president.

“Yes, Dad, really the way they handled or should we say humiliated a three-times prime minister and his daughter at the Lahore airport and didn’t even let him address their rally, how can we be sure they will have any regard for you, the first Pakistani president to have a full term,” said Bakhtawar crossing her fingers.

“Yes, my darlings, I am aware of all these things. I know that Imran Khan keeps on repeating that Asif Zardari, Nawaz Sharif and Mufti Fazlur Rehman will be clean bowled by the PTI on one ball. We are his real targets, but now he has bagged two wickets with one ball, the father and the daughter, his bowler instincts have been aroused, and he will be on the target for a third … his hat trick wicket. Surely, his hat trick target is none but Asif Ali Zardari.

“I have … I mean … I was remembering the times when on one hint hundreds of black goats were penned next door to our Bilawal House for the daily sacrifice to ward off the evil eye and protect me from black magic … It would be an injustice if I do not mention Pir Ejaz, who enabled me to access that $60 million from my Swiss bank account after  chief justice Chaudhry had voided our NRO with Musharraf.

“Pir Ejaz gave up all his worldly pursuits and meditated in Medina for a year for the sake of our money. The level of his dedication is unmatchable. At the end of his yearlong meditation, I was able to cash my check at my Swiss bank.

“Pir Ejaz had also advised me to live near the seashore, in order to ward of the evil spirits dangling over my head. God bless, we are living in Karachi. In fact, it was due to his supplication for my safety and protection that my presence so near to the coast saved this city from Cyclone Nilofer that visited us four years ago.

“May God bless your mother, BB, it was her charisma and our timely hiring of a lobbyist and a public relations firm in Washington, D.C. that through the NRO, we and over 8,000 other members of our party were saved from prosecution and penury.

“In fact, I don’t know why Nawaz Sharif did not seek out his Pir, the Dewana Baba of Dhanaka Sharif who is in Mansehra District … your mother also used to rely on this Pir.

“These sages know … In the ’50s and ’60s, there used to be Jeane Dixon in America who advised presidents from Roosevelt to Reagan and it was she who predicted the assassination of John F. Kennedy,” sighed Zardari.

“Dad, why don’t we invite this great Pir Ejaz to live with us bless to us every day,” chimed Bilawal.

“You are right, but this Imran Khan is now married to a pir woman who is with him 24/7!” asked a concerned Aseefa.

“Yes, as I was saying that if we were in power, only a hint would have gotten herds of black goats for our sacrificing. Now let us face the reality. I have asked the staff to buy every possible black goat available so we can sacrifice one every day to ensure my safety. You don’t fathom the fury of a fast bowler on the hunt for his hat trick victim,” sighed Zardari.

“Dad, indeed that is a capital idea … a timely move, but do you know this Imran brigade, I am told are fervently tweeting the 8th February 2013 report published in The Telegraph headlined, ‘Outrage in Pakistan at multi-million pound home for Benazir Bhutto’s son’… That it cost £32 million … you need to sacrifice goats for the three of us too … but I only prefer white goats!” offered Aseefa.

“Faryal, Munawar, Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa, yes Aseefa is right, I will add white goats for the kids … Faryal what kind of goats do we get for you and Munawar? We need everything to protect us,” sighed Zardari.

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