Aww Shucks, So Many Heathens Were Waiting

The news that Pope Francis has said that Christians should not try to convince non-Christians to change their religion and that anyone who tries to proselytize an unbeliever is not a disciple of Jesus, has deeply convulsed Veronica Benedict-Dominic, chairperson of Catholic Reach Out Worldwide (CROW).

She downs a Prozac with a glass of Dom Perignon – the later expensed to CROW, and reaches out to Michael-Francis Kater, her organization’s legal counsel.

“Michael-Francis, did you hear what the Pope has done! He has simply wrecked CROW… you know the ‘w’ in CROW is for ‘worldwide’! Now who is going to donate when they know that Catholics can’t take the Word to the billions of heathens?

“Michael-Francis, do you know what it means to us… to you… to all Catholics who lived on reaching out to the heathens.

“What will happen to my travels … to my Fashion Weeks? Every February and September, I was in the Big 4 fashion capitals of New York, London, Milan, and Paris… heathens, I means… all those designers…

“Michael-Francis, I was expensing the fashion week wear because you can’t reach out to any heathen wearing sackcloth.

“O Papa … he said, proselytism is not done, the church does not grow by proselytism.

“Michael-Francis, so how do we grow the church? Make babies nonstop, I guess!

“The Pope says that evangelicals and Pentecostals who try to win others to their faith are not disciples of Jesus. Wait but didn’t he declare Protestants are Christians!

“Michael-Francis, I am devastated… this is the third Prozac, I have taken since this thing popped up on my phone. It is unfair to the heathens who abound at the fashion weeks that they won’t be invited to the fold of Christ. O God, who will expense my trips to the fashion weeks!!!

“Yes, yes, yes… we don’t have any serious argument as to why anyone should join us, but that’s the sweet part. With billions of heathens there for picking, CROW was netting in big dollars because we needed bigger budgets to go for them. Our donors believe that we keep trying. Yes, yes, yes, if all the heathens would have joined us, then who would be giving us to bring them to the church!

“I want my good old Pope back… the old guy [Benedict XVI] should be pulled out of retirement.”

Finally, Kater gets a chance to talk, as Benedict-Dominic takes a breather to empty the Dom Perignon into her glass, “Veronica, yes this is terrible news. I will lose all your business. Not just your business, but much more too.

“Did you hear that Francis is considering a proposal to routinely ordain married men as Roman Catholic priests? That’s bad for business… bad for lawyers… all these celibate priests were doing their things that people were lining up at law offices to file sexual-abuse lawsuits. We were filing all those cases on share the proceeds basis. Veronica, this Pope is killing my future business too.

“You are right, we need old Benedict back in charge. He is publicly defending the Catholic Church’s traditional rule of priestly celibacy. Veronica, it is the Benedict rule that will keep our abuse business throbbing.”

Her fourth Prozac tablet floated in with a big gulf of Dom Perignon, Benedict-Dominic sighs, “Let us unite and send a rejoinder to the Pope that let us proselytize… we have to be there… at fashion weeks. We should not be away when we know that so many heathens were waiting.”

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