An America Without Guns, Hooch and Ham

Bob Stoopthigh, founder of of GunSMART, where he stocks guns, beer and snacks, has been closed for now, which has also means missing his routine evenings at the Boars Bar & Games.

Since the passage and signing of the $349 billion government relief program for small businesses, Bob is feeling at little at ease. But just like, President Trump said that he has missed his face since the Center for Disease Control advised against touching ones faces, Bob too misses caressing his guns.

If one fancies their face, especially their noses, they should be wiping off their list, socialization with Bob till he is able to reestablish and his enjoy his camaraderie with weaponry.

Missy Stoopthigh, credentials of being his high school flame notwithstanding, retreats to the attic, when Bob starts missing his fellowship with guns. He had enjoyed his share of a robust March, when Americans purchased more than 2 million guns. But the ‘stay-at-home’ order had obliterated any prospects for forthcoming higher sales.

Bob, absolutely concurred with S. K. ‘Slugs’ Hawhee, the county KKK Grand Giant, that COVID19 was part of the communist conspiracy to undermine the Second Amendment that protects the individual right to keep and bear arms. As he explained, “Them commies can only overrun an America without guns.”

He would join Slugs in chanting ‘Amen’ that Sen. Bernie Sanders, who has long articulated a strong federal role to play, including the ban of assault weapons and the mandate of background checks and the banning of straw man purchases, had failed to win the Democratic presidential nomination.

Since October 9, 1986, when Fox TV birthed, his TV has been programmed to go nowhere except his channel of choice. But even Fox could not escape his ire, when after flashing its “We’ve got news for you” slogan, Bill Hemmer, one of Fox’s top breaking news anchors, read the report that the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau was waiving provisions of internal revenue law to authorize production of ethanol-based hand sanitizers by permitted distillers to address the demand for such products during this emergency.

Agoraphobia – the anxiety disorder that often develops after one or more panic attacks – really flared up for Bob when Bill added that several of the world’s biggest distillers were racing to make hand sanitizers.

Bob could only concur with Slugs that diverting alcoholic beverages producers toward hand sanitizers was a Muslim conspiracy to undermine the 21st Amendment. However, Slugs also believed that marijuana producers had joined hands with Muslims in executing this dastardly conspiracy. They feared that it would also be the end of Boars Bar & Games, not to mention their evenings there.

Bob hurled himself at Hemmer’s face, but the wall, which bore the blow, dented appreciably.

It had been a week that he had been nursing his hurt fist, that Hemmer read the news that Smithfield, one of the country’s largest pork processing facilities was closing until further notice as employees fall ill with COVID-19.

Once again Bob could only concur with Slugs that Smithfield’s closure was a Muslim conspiracy to ban pork, especially when ham is “Christian” meat, and there is no Easter Sunday without ham. Period.

Scientists may have found otherwise but Bob believed that bad things “come in threes.” His list was complete: he foresaw the horror of an America without guns, hooch and ham.

This time Bob was successful in getting his fit through Hemmer’s face – a few cuts, but that was worth it.

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