Long Live the Rule of Sexually Transmitted Democracy

The progeny of Mian Mohammad Sharif, the self-made millionaire, father of former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and former chief minister Shahbaz Sharif, are gathered at 180 H Model Town Lahore.

The ‘house’ is actually a seven palace-like dwellings located in this well-planned suburban community that took pride in being a self-sustained and resident-funded operation.

Besides the still free patriarch Shahbaz Sharif, there is his niece Maryam Nawaz’s son Junaid Safdar, Shahbaz’s sons, Hamza, a former parliament member himself, and Salman.

Hamza was once touted as the ruler-in-waiting, and even Asif Zardari, when signing an agreement with Nawaz Sharif had stated that he would like to see his son Bilawal and the Sharif heir Hamza to take over the reins and reign in turn.

Today, however, the chosen one is Junaid Safdar, son of the much-touted heir to her father’s crown, Maryam and her husband, Capt. (ret.) Mohammad Safdar Awan. Both of his parents are presently residents of Islamabad’s Adiala Jail.

The polo playing young man, who like Imran Khan and several other influential politicians of various hues is a product of the country’s premier school Aitchison College, and currently studying government and politics at Durham University in the U.K.

Junaid fits the narrative in more ways than one, not just a victim of the country’s politicians’ favorite whipping boy, the ‘establishment’, but also as the recipient of the kingly genes where sexually transmitted democracy is considered a norm even by the self-thought liberals and the ostensibly educated.

“O Abba, I take after your noble example, how my father stands with his older brother, Uncle Nawaz. I fully endorse our cousin’s son for this crucial role. The victimhood narrative fits him fully and our party can garner the sympathy vote through him.

“Let us not care if our friend President Asif Zardari says that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and get Junaid the name that identifies him more closely to the Sharif brand,” expressed Hamza.

“May God bless you my dear son. May you be the blessed by your grandfather, our Abbaji, you have spoken well. I am sure everyone in this room agrees with Hamza’s suggestion, but the thing needs a little discussion. Should we add just the ‘Nawaz’, after all our party in called PML-N, where the N stands for Nawaz, or we go with ‘Nawaz Sharif’?” asks Shahbaz Sharif.

“I agree this is a bit tricky with us because for Asif Zardari it was easy just adding the Bhutto as middle name for all three of his children, but for us, we have to decide if the brand ‘Nawaz’ or ‘Nawaz Sharif’ will fare better,” offered Salman.

Chotay Nana, my younger grandfather, my parents have great love and respect for you, and of course you have stood every moment for the family, what would you say if I took my father’s clan name of Awan. He has always told me that the Awan tribe is perhaps the most heavily recruited tribe for the Pakistan Army.

“In this way, we can get some military folks’ votes too, even the retired servicemen,” asked Junaid.

“Yes, this a good idea too but right now we are only a week away from voting and we have to get you to address constituencies NA-127 (Lahore-V), from where your mother had planned to contest before her disqualification; NA-132 (Lahore-X) from where I am standing; and in NA-59 (Rawalpindi-II), where our now incarcerated leader Raja Qamarul Islam is challenging our turncoat, our former interior minister Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan.

“Junaid, we need you to lead the charge!

“I would suggest adding ‘Nawaz Sharif’ as your middle name. Yes, if Asif Zardari has Bilawal Bhutto Zardari, we have Junaid Nawaz Sharif Safdar!” said Shahbaz pounding the table hard.

As they talked, they could not help but see the ticker tape on TV screens repeating the news that the Islamabad High Court had put off appeals by Nawaz Sharif, Maryam Nawaz and Capt. Mohammad Safdar against their conviction in the Avenfiled reference until after the elections.

“I agree we need to move very fast. Uncles Hamza and Salman have the right contacts to get new posters done and displayed and I will practice my name, Junaid Nawaz Sharif Safdar.

“Let us all raise our Coke cans and toast to our good fortunes. Long live the rule of sexually transmitted democracy,” exulted the newly minted Junaid Nawaz Sharif Safdar.

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We Gotta STOP it Now

Everyday of the week you could not miss Chuck Rednackk’s lifted Cadillac Escalade and Ray Roy Dunskapp’s lifted fire engine red Ford Super Duty truck fitted with BFGoodrich Mud-Terrain tires parked in front of the Moose’s Haunt Bar & Grill.

This was not moose country though but the name was to honor the former Alaska governor and failed vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin who boasted of her moose burger making skills.

Although an unspoken rule, their parking was reserved nearest to the pole flying the oversized confederate flag at the front of the bar.

“Ray Roy I heard two awful things on Radio WSHIT as I was driving here,” informed Rednackk.

“God bless … Lord Jesus … what now Chuck!” a concerned Dunskapp blurted.

“Ray Roy, can’t say anymore this is America … I heard on the radio that a jury … mind you a jury of 12 clowns … convicted this guy … Mark something …oh yes,

Marq Vincent Perez … for what … setting fire to some Islamic temple … they call it a mosque, I guess someplace in Texas … Victoria … it was no nooklier bomb or something … Ray Roy!” said a dejected Rednackk.

“It’s getting that bad Chuck! And what is that other thing?” asked Dunskapp.

“Ray Roy this one is even badder. A threat to America. Creeping takeover of our country by those jeehadd forces.

“You remember that first we got Ellison in the House … sent by those liberals in Minnesota,” said Rednackk downing his tankard of beer.

“How can I forget that … totally un-American guy, this Keith does oath on his Koran. And no one stopped him when the Constitution of the United States says that oaths are only taken on the Holy Bible. O Jesus in Heaven … now what,” Dunskapp lamented taking his 12 ounce can in one big gulp.

“Ray Roy you know how these Mooslims creep in! And next is André Carson coming from Indiana of all places but on a Democratic ticket. I never knew Indiana has that many liberals. Yes, Indiana, where Mike Pence was governor before he became Vice President. Yes, yes, and Pence says that he is an Evangelical Christian, and was an early supporter of the Tea Party movement. As radio host, he used to call himself ‘Rush Limbaugh on decaf’. Wow … and his state sends the second Mooslim to our House! And I hear it sharp and clear that Carson is seeking re-election and from Indiana.

“Ray Roy you know how it is said that drops make an ocean. Now this radio was telling us that in November … yes just four months from now, there are some 50 of those Mooslims running for national or statewide offices,” confided Rednackk.

No one, however, had the thought that 50 out of 3 million population was not even a drop in a bucket.

“O Jesus. God save America. Chuck what was this Supreme Court thing that those liberals were venting their anger at? They call it Mooslim Ban … and our President Trump won. When he has banned those Mooslims, then how come 50 of them are trying to sneak into our federal and state houses?” asked Dunskapp tapping his glass furiously.

“Ray Roy, the radio was saying that it is thankfully 50, otherwise they had started with as many as 90 running for national or statewide offices this election cycle. These Mooslims are going to creep into our house … the radio was saying that at least three of these Mooslims are running as Republicans. This is bad. Before Trump sanctions any country, he should sanction these Mooslims from creeping into our federal and state houses. We don’t want to be hearing jeehad and Shaariah in our houses,” proclaimed Rednackk.

“But I am afraid Chuck, if Trump doesn’t sanction them, these Mooslims are going into sneak in from Michigan, which I am told has one of the nation’s largest Arab-American populations. And you know Chuck, it is those automakers who imported this menace to America. I guess they all are liberals,” sighed Dunskapp.

“Ray Roy, I am told that these Mooslims have some order called a fatwa, like iRan had one against some writer they hated. So can’t we ask some bishop or may be appeal to the Pope to issue something like this fatwa to keep America safe from these Mooslims.

“Ray Roy, I am not Catholic, never been one, but I am ready to go Rome to get the Pope do it.

“Ray Roy, we gotta STOP it now!” screamed Rednackk.

Hating Arabs is not Anti-Semitic

JJ Snoutstein and Sly Vohmitberg who run the ‘Morning with the S&V’ radio talk show on on WSHIT Radio are worried that some people are raising the issue that the hate of Arabs is also anti-Semitic because they are a Semitic people too.

They have lined up a list of experts to express themselves on this issue.

Sarah Palin, former governor Alaska and a former vice-presidential candidate, is the first.

“Governor Palin, you may have heard that there is conspiracy to brainwash people that hating Arabs is also anti-Semitic because they are a Semitic people too.”

“Really! This is AWFUL … must be those liberals behind this terrible thing. Is this started by Bernie Sanders? Oh, how I wish, Donald had taken me as vice president. I would be there right now making him sanction this crazy thing.

“But wait a minute. Isn’t Bernie Jewish? Is he a self-hating Jew to initiate such an awful thing?

“Now JJ you tell me how can anyone call the Ayeraabs as Semitic when they don’t speak the Israeli language? I have been to Israel a few times and have seen all those signs and the Israeli language is nowhere like Arabic.

“O Sly do you know what the Ayeraabs eat? A rabbi told me that Jewish people aren’t supposed to eat hindquarters of animals, even those done kosher style. But I was once in a doctor’s office, and I picked up magazine and there I saw a photo of some Ayerraab food, and it was roasted lamb leg. So … so how can the Ayerrabs be Semitic when they are eating legs of lamb?

“To me it smells rotten like what this Sacha Baron Cohen did to me posing as a military veteran to draw me into an interview for his new show … JJ are you sure, it is not this guy behind this awful thing? I am sure that this guy is a self-hating Jew too.

“For me, the Jews are God’s chosen people. So if they are saying that only they are Semitic so only anyone hating the Jews … err, the Jewish can be anti-Semitic.

“No JJ, we can’t let it pass. Tomorrow the African Americans or Blacks or whatever … the N word you call them will start saying that they are Semitic and hating them is being anti-Semitic. I can’t take it. We have to shoot this down like I shoot vermin!”

“Governor Palin, we are told that the anthropology of that era gave the name “Semitic” – from the Hebrew “Shem,” one of Noah’s sons – to a family of languages that included Hebrew, Arabic, Assyrian and Phoenician; and labeled members of groups that spoke these languages as Semites,” said Sly Vohmitberg.

“Sly, now I am getting near that … I am getting very close to the culprit behind this conspiracy to declare that the hate of Arabs is also anti-Semitic because they are a Semitic people too. You know this man Clooney … he married a woman from Lebanon. I was flying to Mesa in Arizona last week to address the beautiful conservative club there who call themselves ‘Don’t Mesa With Me’ … and this guy sitting in the next seat to me started talking to me and he said that there are the Phoenician people in Lebanon. I asked him really in Lebanon, but where is Lebanon because I heard this name in New Hampshire, Oklahoma, North Dakota and Kentucky, but never in Russia. So he said, no not in an American Lebanon but the original Lebanon in the Middle East. I was about to ask that we have a Midwest so where does this Middle East come from, when they started announcing the landing.

“This is I am sure … this new thing about Ayeraabs being Semitic must have been started by this Clooney’s wife from Lebanon.

“Just like hating anyone not white is not wrong, exactly hating Ayeraabs is not anti-Semitic,” growled Palin punching the flower vase off its stand.

You Have to Know Corruption to Control Corruption

Malik Bulund Awaz, editor-in-chief of Cheekh TV, is interviewing Muttahida Majlis-e-Amal (MMA) president Maulana Fazal ur Rehman, also known as Mufti Fazl ur Rehman. He is also leader of the Jamait Ulema-e-Islam.

“You are the present past chairman of the Parliamentary Special Committee on Kashmir. This is one of the most important parliamentary bodies, and its head enjoys the status of a federal minister in Pakistan.”

“Yes. Indeed I am the most deserving parliamentarian for this job. We have been supporting Kashmiris since day one but at the moment we are not strong enough to ask any other state to favor us in the issue.

“You may be able to recall that I surprised the Indian media when I said that the Simla Agreement of 1972 could be the guiding principle for the Kashmir problem.

“In this and other parliamentary positions, I have traveled to many countries in Europe, Americas, Africa, Middle East, and Asia and I have also represented Pakistan in the UN General Assembly,” said Fazal ur Rehman.

“But … but Simla Agreement … when we want the UN to arrange a plebiscite in Indian Occupied Kashmir, a stance that India adopted under two UN Security Council resolutions when it sought peace with Pakistan in 1948,” asked Bulund Awaz.

“Yes … but it doesn’t hurt to get invited by India to the summer resort of Simla. I always say the right thing for the right moment that amounts to something for me.

“You know how the United States loves to sell its arms.

“This is why I strongly supported the purchase of F-16s from the United States, and also other American military equipment. I was only protesting against importing American consumer goods … they are nothing but ‘Made in China’ stuff.

“I know that now the United States is trying to hand out the production of F-16s to India but then the jets were made in the United States.

“Of course there was no harm in visiting their facilities in Fort Worth, which you know is a twin city of Dallas like Islamabad and Rawalpindi.

“You tell me how many would have fancied visiting Moscow of Soviet era or Beijing of the Mao era? This is why I have always said that our country’s defense requirements could best be met from the American market … nice cities, top class hotels and amazing shopping,” declared Fazl-ur-Rehman.

“You have taken some radical positions. You flaunted your MMA’s stand and supported Benazir Bhutto’s government … especially when your father was the only one to defeat her father, ZA Bhutto,” asked Buland Awaz.

“You see I always take positions that matter. See I was only 46 when I took the stand for Benazir. She rewarded me with permits for exporting diesel from Pakistan to Afghanistan. Fair enough. We both made our own money.

“The late Benazir also rewarded me by making me Chairman of the Parliamentary Foreign Affairs Committee and asked the Inter-Services Intelligence to place a large amount from its secret fund at my disposal during my travels abroad. During her second term as Prime Minister, I spent more time abroad than in Pakistan.

“So what if people like Imran Khan call me Maulana Diesel but I made the money and that is all what matters.

“I had issues with General Zia’s martial law, but through my madrassas, I provided foot-soldiers to the American-funded jihad in Afghanistan against the then Soviet Union. The important thing here was to keep American funds flowing into our schools.

“And during the Musharraf era, I had my landed property piling up.

“For more than twenty years, Imran Khan has been repeating the same thing that he stands for the eradication of corruption” … the Maulana guffaws and adds, “oh really!

“Malik Bulund Awaz now you tell me that how Imran Khan will be able to deal with corruption? Does he have any experience doing corruption?

“Has he ever served in a government position? There is my friend Asif Zardari who started with a share in a Karachi cinema house and has built an enviable real estate portfolio overseas. There is my friend Nawaz Sharif who has built his and his family’s fortunes. What has Imran Khan to his credit … I mean what has he made through corruption! Zilch!

“You have to accept the reality that you have to know corruption to control corruption. While look at my record, I have made money any way one can. This is why I will repeat myself that you have to know corruption to control corruption.”

 

Our Strength Lies in Sheeples

Former President Asif Zardari has called a press conference in his Karachi residence, the Bilawal House, where he is seated in a bulletproof glass enclosure, while the media representatives have been placed ten feet away from that box.

“My dear friends, and we have among you a lot of friends whom we have favored. God willing after July 25, when we regain our power of distributing the largesse, those who desire shall not go unfulfilled.

“My dear friends, I have invited you here today … by the way dinner will be served after we finish our conversation … to clear any misunderstanding over Bilawal’s announcement that the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) has suspended its countrywide political rallies.

“You know that Bilawal is a young boy and as his father, I am obligated to guide him in his political career. I explained to him the ground realities about his political career. First, I reminded him that he was gifted the 14-acre 32 million Pound Sterling Bilawal House in Lahore by my friend Malik Riaz Hussain, chairman of Bahria Town, not because he is his uncle, but because Malik Riaz owes a lot to me for his astounding successes. For example take his massive Bahria Town Karachi scheme for which he needed acquired land in the city’s Malir district. God bless, our party was ruling Sindh, and our land officials all the way from the Malir Development Authority to the Sindh Building Control Authority and Board of Revenue did everything for him that he needed.

“I explained to Bilawal that his solo visit to Lyari is enough, because he should always keep in mind why I added Bhutto as middle name for all of my three children.

“I told him not to be crazy like Imran Khan who has announced that he would continue to hold election campaigns despite the terror threats. I am told that he was warned of life threats and to refrain from holding rallies in Swabi, Mardan, and Taxila, but he refused to accept the fear of the bombers and went ahead with these rallies. I recall that he also keeps saying that life and death belongs to God. You will recall that before he got injured in that fall in Lahore before the 2013 voting started, he had said that you couldn’t lead a revolution and hide behind bulletproof glass.

“I reminded Bilawal that unlike him, Imran Khan has no Bhutto-like legacy, except the two or three hospitals and a college that he has built.

“I told Bilawal that rest assured neither he, nor I are leading any sort of revolution, our strength lies in maintaining the status quo and of course, which means adding to our Swiss bank deposits and our overseas real estate portfolios.

“God bless, Bilawal is a good boy. He always listens to me. He knows that how much wealth I have amassed for him and his sisters.

“I have therefore asked our party representatives to arrange small-scale gatherings, each for not more than 120 people. You know that especially in Sindh, we have a large membership of landed gentry, and each of them can arrange sumptuous dinners for more than one hundred, I would say thousands of people.

“And again I told Bilawal to focus on why the Bhutto was added as his middle name. Aren’t we campaigning on the sacrifices of our nation’s greatest martyrs … his mother BB, and his grandfather Zulfikar Ali Bhutto?

“My friends, you tell me, hasn’t this idea been working for more than three decades? Didn’t this formula lead me to the President’s House?

“God bless him that he agreed with my point of view that the sacrifices of our great martyrs are more than enough.

“I told him that we are fortunate that we have to rely on the votes of sheep … err … I mean sheeples.

“Indeed I like his idea that we should rename our Pakistan People Party as the Pakistan Sheeples Party, especially when I hear that some people, and I guess they are Imran Khan’s people, who are publicizing that PPP really stands for Pakistan Plunder Party. What plunder? Every penny that I deposit in my Swiss accounts and every penny that I invest in real estate overseas is totally deserved because public service does come for free,” gesturing the media representatives to move to the dinner tables, the former president, concludes, “My dear friends, our strength lies in sheeples.”

The Ideally Suited House of Saud … err … the House of Salman

Muhammad bin Salmān, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, who also serves as First Deputy Prime Minister, President of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs and Minister of Defense – MBS to some, is meeting with his father King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, who is also the Prime Minister, and is designated as the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques at the Erga Palace in Riyadh.

“O Father, a few minutes ago, I was on the phone with my brother Jared Kushner … the son-in-law of President Trump Abu Ivanka.

“We had a very interesting discussion about our region and the exalted role our kingdom … the House Saud … rather the House of Salman has to play in the layout of things favored by their policymakers,” informed MBS.

“O my son, O Mohammad, what is the thing about ‘policymakers’? I don’t get it. Isn’t Abu Ivanka the president of the United States, so doesn’t he make the policy? Do we have any policymakers? Whatever we say, and even think is the policy!” stressed the king.

“Yes my father, I know that it is the ruler who has the absolute power but I guess it is their system to have some policymakers. When I was in America, I used to hear about the passing the buck … probably in their system, the policymakers come in handy when passing the buck.

“But I was talking about my discussion with my brother Jared. He told me about the great concept favored by the celebrated American statesman, Henry Kissinger called ‘salami tactics’. Let me tell you though this salami tactics has nothing to do with our greetings of Assalamu alaykum – nothing about peace. This salami tactics takes its name from a meat preparation that has thin slices.

“When my brother mentioned about this tactic, I told him that this blessing was cast upon us by Lawrence of Arabia … oh, by the way, I found that his full name was Colonel Thomas Edward Lawrence. He cut up our region into small pieces like the salami slices so we have many royal families … many rulers, like our House of Saud … er, I mean the House of Salman.

“Upon hearing this, my brother Jared said that it is good that I am familiar with this policy of salami tactics. I said yes, this is why your father-in-law Abu Ivanka is able to sell beautiful American weapons to so many countries in the region.

“I told my brother Jared that we, the House of Saud … err, I mean House of Salman, our doing our bit. We continue our war in Yemen … we continue our blockade of Qatar … we are supporting the squeeze and starving of the Palestinians.

“I also told my brother Jared about the good work being done by my brother Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed bin Sultan Al-Nahyan, the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, who is also the deputy Supreme Commander of the UAE’s Armed Forces.

“God bless him, he was very appreciative of his work in the region, especially how United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia have been solidified our political, economic and military activities in the region over the last two years. Then there is the excellent Emirati pursuit of controlling certain strategic ports in the Horn of Africa, particularly in Somalia and Djibouti. My brother bin Zayed is also seeking new military bases in the semi-autonomous regions of Somalia, which are Somaliland and Puntland, and in the port city of Assab in Eritrea.

“Somalia, a you know tried to act like a big boy and refused my brother bin Zayed’s request to support our political blockade of Qatar. Not only that, Somalia seized a aircraft of my brother bin Zayed that was taking $10 million for the forces in Somaliland and Puntland … our influence in these two places is much needed to keep Somalia in its place. My brother bin Zayed retaliated immediately and closed the Sheikh Zayed hospital, which was built in Somalia to provide free medical care for low-income citizens there.

My brother bin Zayed has successfully seen off Qatari interest in Socotra, the strategic Yemeni island, by sending aid there after a hurricane and then construction companies, which are there to build an Emirati version of Diego Garcia, the Indian Ocean atoll where America has a large military base.

“I told my brother Jared that like me, my brother bin Zayed is equally efficient. For example when Djibouti tried to act smart and its President Ismail Omar Guelleh announced his decision to proceed with the unilateral and immediate termination of the concession contract awarded to UAE’s DP World, he told him that UAE would send Djibouti back to the conditions in which it existed before 2005.

“God be praised, after hearing all this, my brother Jared told me that for the United States the House of Saud … err … the House of Salman is ideally suited. O my Father, may God bless you with long life and may your seed prevail forever. May the House of Salman continue to prosper from the salami operations conducted by our blessed benefactor Colonel T.E. Lawrence.”

We Need Everything to Protect Us

Former president Asif Zardari is in a meeting with his family, besides his three children, Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa, there are his sister Faryal Talpur and her husband Mir Munawar Ali Talpur.

“We know it is quite confusing the way this interim government is handling things. While the Supreme Court says that they did not order Faryal and me to be placed on the no-fly list, but there are reports that the Federal Investigation Agency (FIA) has both of us on the list as this recently-introduced, Provincial National Identification List, enables them to bar anyone from flying abroad for a period of 30 days,” murmured the former president.

“Yes, Dad, really the way they handled or should we say humiliated a three-times prime minister and his daughter at the Lahore airport and didn’t even let him address their rally, how can we be sure they will have any regard for you, the first Pakistani president to have a full term,” said Bakhtawar crossing her fingers.

“Yes, my darlings, I am aware of all these things. I know that Imran Khan keeps on repeating that Asif Zardari, Nawaz Sharif and Mufti Fazlur Rehman will be clean bowled by the PTI on one ball. We are his real targets, but now he has bagged two wickets with one ball, the father and the daughter, his bowler instincts have been aroused, and he will be on the target for a third … his hat trick wicket. Surely, his hat trick target is none but Asif Ali Zardari.

“I have … I mean … I was remembering the times when on one hint hundreds of black goats were penned next door to our Bilawal House for the daily sacrifice to ward off the evil eye and protect me from black magic … It would be an injustice if I do not mention Pir Ejaz, who enabled me to access that $60 million from my Swiss bank account after  chief justice Chaudhry had voided our NRO with Musharraf.

“Pir Ejaz gave up all his worldly pursuits and meditated in Medina for a year for the sake of our money. The level of his dedication is unmatchable. At the end of his yearlong meditation, I was able to cash my check at my Swiss bank.

“Pir Ejaz had also advised me to live near the seashore, in order to ward of the evil spirits dangling over my head. God bless, we are living in Karachi. In fact, it was due to his supplication for my safety and protection that my presence so near to the coast saved this city from Cyclone Nilofer that visited us four years ago.

“May God bless your mother, BB, it was her charisma and our timely hiring of a lobbyist and a public relations firm in Washington, D.C. that through the NRO, we and over 8,000 other members of our party were saved from prosecution and penury.

“In fact, I don’t know why Nawaz Sharif did not seek out his Pir, the Dewana Baba of Dhanaka Sharif who is in Mansehra District … your mother also used to rely on this Pir.

“These sages know … In the ’50s and ’60s, there used to be Jeane Dixon in America who advised presidents from Roosevelt to Reagan and it was she who predicted the assassination of John F. Kennedy,” sighed Zardari.

“Dad, why don’t we invite this great Pir Ejaz to live with us bless to us every day,” chimed Bilawal.

“You are right, but this Imran Khan is now married to a pir woman who is with him 24/7!” asked a concerned Aseefa.

“Yes, as I was saying that if we were in power, only a hint would have gotten herds of black goats for our sacrificing. Now let us face the reality. I have asked the staff to buy every possible black goat available so we can sacrifice one every day to ensure my safety. You don’t fathom the fury of a fast bowler on the hunt for his hat trick victim,” sighed Zardari.

“Dad, indeed that is a capital idea … a timely move, but do you know this Imran brigade, I am told are fervently tweeting the 8th February 2013 report published in The Telegraph headlined, ‘Outrage in Pakistan at multi-million pound home for Benazir Bhutto’s son’… That it cost £32 million … you need to sacrifice goats for the three of us too … but I only prefer white goats!” offered Aseefa.

“Faryal, Munawar, Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa, yes Aseefa is right, I will add white goats for the kids … Faryal what kind of goats do we get for you and Munawar? We need everything to protect us,” sighed Zardari.