No Less Beautiful British Arms

The mood at 10 Downing Street was euphoric. It was best news for Theresa May’s beleaguered government since the Northern Ireland-based Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) agreed shore her up after she failed to get her parliamentary majority. The High Court had ruled July 10 that the government is not breaking the law by continuing to sign off the sale of arms to Saudi Arabia.

The Gulf is critical to her government’s post-Brexit economic strategy.

The UN and other observers have accused Saudi Arabia of killing large numbers of civilians, including through the bombing of hospitals, schools, and weddings, in its neighboring country, Yemen where it is intervening against Shia Houthi.

The court, rejecting the petition filed by the Campaign Against the Arms Trade, ruled: “The open and closed evidence demonstrates that the [British] Secretary of State was rationally entitled to conclude … [that] the [Saudi] Coalition were not deliberately targeting civilians, … Saudi processes and procedures have been put in place to secure respect for the principles of International Humanitarian Law … [and that] the Coalition was investigating incidents of controversy, including those involving civilian casualties.”

Lord Justice Burnett ruled that it had not been established that there was “a clear risk that the items might be used in the commission of a serious violation of international humanitarian law.”

Amnesty International labeled the ruling as a “deadly blow” to Yemeni civilians, while Oxfam said there was a “clear moral case to suspend sales.”

The war has entered its third year and as many as 13,000 civilians have been killed or injured. The country is facing a major cholera outbreak with more than 300,000 suspected cases in the last two months. On Monday the International Committee of the Red Cross said the cholera epidemic “continues to spiral out of control” since it erupted in April. More than 21 million people are in need of some form of humanitarian assistance, and at least 3 million people have been forced to flee their homes since March 2015.

Sir Michael Fallon, who has served as Secretary of State for Defense and member of the National Security Council since 2014, pronounced, “Our government is not obliged to question the Saudis how they use our British-supplied cluster munitions against whoever, the Houtis or whatever.

The party continues to get merrier, as Sir Michael, adds the UK is also not obliged to tell whether it is training Saudi pilots in the war in Yemen, or just helping them with post-air strike assessments.

“It is all good for Britain!” he declared, and added, “Since the bombing of Yemen began in March 2015, we have licensed £3.3 billion worth of arms to the Saudis, including £1.1 billion worth of ML4 licenses, which relate to bombs, missiles, and other explosives. What more could we want!”

The former UK Independence Party leader from Nigel Farage, who has also been invited to the soiree, recharges his glass of champaign, and bellows, “Praise the Lord, with Brexit, we don’t need to meet the atrocious standards of the Consolidated EU and National Arms Export Licensing Criteria.

“And praise the Lord that Jeremy Corbyn’s is not Prime Minister. He has already said that Labor would ban arms sales to Saudi Arabia.

“This commie Corbyn wants to starve British industry! Shame!

“And our House isn’t short of fools. This Green’s Caroline Lucas says that the court’s judgment doesn’t give any moral justification for the government’s – what she alleges “unethical actions” when it comes to arms sales!”

Mrs. May is still unable to subdue her foreign secretary Boris Johnson. But Johnson, who has now attached himself to a bottle of whisky and the chandelier, can’t stop celebrating.

He announces, “Tomorrow, I am flying to all those piddling … little poodles sitting on oil drums! And I am taking both their royal highnesses Princess Eugenie and Princess Beatrice with me.

“Those piddling will be falling over each other to sit between their royal highnesses Eugenie Victoria Helena and Beatrice Elizabeth Mary, granddaughters of Her Majesty, the Queen Elizabeth II.

“It will be a riot! Piddling after the other flanked by our two princesses signing purchase orders!

“They need Brit arms to scare Qatar, and Qatar needs our Brit arms to keep them at bay! Praise the Lord!

“More than 300,000 cases of cholera already! Dear old Liam [Fox, Secretary of State for International Trade] will tire signing export permits!

“Liam, what I find that our pharma industry employs more than 50,000 people. Just these cholera shots should ten to fifteen thousands to their rolls!

“This one is for Arlene Foster and the DUP 10,” he raises and downs another glass of whisky.

“Thank you Arlene, our partnership is bringing more jobs to Britons.

“I am going to tell each of these piddling that it is fine that Trump says his arms are beautiful, but British arms are sexy! Every bomb, every jet, every gun, every bullet that we will send will bear Her Majesty’s Warrant … ‘By Royal Appointment to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’.

“Attention everyone, after laying every piddling in sight, I will jet to New Delhi and sell Narindra Modi, a few million pound sterling of beef detectors to catch any Muslim who has eaten beef! I will use my mother’s family’s contacts. I am packing a few cases of duty-free Johnny Walker Black Label for my uncles and cousins,” he boasts gulping two quick shots of whisky as Mrs. May starts scolding him.

“Boris this is enough! Get down from that chandelier! It is government property. Get back to earth before you fall off that chandelier and break a few bones. Boris, we have to do a toast of eternal thanks to our great hero … the outstanding Briton … Thomas Edward Lawrence … the unmatchable Lawrence of Arabia who has blessed us with a never drying spigot of cash.”

Boris lands safely, while others raise their flutes of champaign, he attaches himself to a bottle of Dom Perignon.

Nawaz Sharif Never Lies

Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has summoned an extraordinary meeting at the Prime Minister’s House in Islamabad with senior news anchors of the country’s private television channels. He is flanked by the State Minister for Information and Broadcasting Maryam Humayun on his right, and on his left are Pakistan Television Corporation Chairman and CEO Atta-ul-Haq Qasmi, and Minister of Defense Khawaja Asif.

Initiating the proceedings, Maryam Humayun, announces, “It is a momentous occasion that our beloved Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif has invited you to this meeting. No questions can be asked either before, during, or after the Prime Minister’s speech. No one is permitted to use any sort of body language that may be construed to convey any negative comment whatsoever. At appropriate places as indicated in the copy of the speech being held by our honorable Minister of Defense Khawaja Asif, he will signal applause, and all of you will applaud in unison.”

“Thank you Maryam Sahiba for this kind introduction.

“Since July 10, when the Supreme Court was handed the so-called report by the Joint Investigation Team, I have been hearing certain comments, especially by Imran and his party members to cast aspersions on my honesty and character and that of my children and my relatives. Even my younger girl Asma has been brought into this pit of accusations. Is it a sin for parents to give gifts to their children? If I give gifts to Maryam, Husain, and Hassan, why should I leave out my girl Asma?

“Dear friends, there a hadith that once a man had given a gift to one of his children, and he went to our beloved Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) who told him that he should give gifts to his others children as well. I have done my part.”

The Prime Minister pauses, but Khawaja Asif’s efforts fail to generate applause.

The Prime Minister whispers to Maryam Humayun, “I think we should have assigned this task to Daniyal Aziz or Khwaja Saad Rafiq, if he can make the railways work, he can generate applause too. I have heard that in America there are special training centers for cheerleaders. I suggest we should send a few of our people to these centers for training.”

The Prime Minister continues, “First of all, I want to deal with the attacks on the character of my bigger girl, Maryam.

“The JIT is accusing this innocent girl of falsifying the trust deed of the London property, because according to them the font “Colibri” was not available in 2006.

I have been seeing Colibri watches and cigarette lighters since my young age. I have made investigation and this Colibri company was founded in America in 1928. Now they are telling me that this Colibri was not available in 2006.

“You know that like Bill Clinton on whose invitation, I signed the agreement to withdraw my army from forward positions in Kargil, Mr. Bill Gates is also my friend. While like most of you, I am not an IT engineer but Mr. Gates told me that in his company’s Microsoft Word program, it is absolutely legal for a user to decide what type style to use. So what is this nonsense about using Colibiri before it was invented! This Colibiri is not new; I told you that its products have been in the market since 1928.

“I have been told by a marketing expert that after electronic typewriters were introduced in 1978, sales of electric models began to decline. So now no one is using electric typewriter, what to say of manual typewriters. Then what do you expect that Maryam should have used for creating documents that were being demanded by this JIT?

“I can only empathize with President Donald Trump whose son is being attacked by the media and the Democrats. My office gave me this and I quote what he wrote on Twitter, ‘He – meaning his son who has the same name like him — was open, transparent and innocent. This is the greatest Witch Hunt in political history. Sad!’”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

“My enemies … the enemies of Pak-China projects are saying that the JIT are saying that an exorbitant hike in the buildup of my assets occurred during my first tenure of premiership, and also that inflows mentioned in my tax returns do not commensurate with my growth. They are saying that it leads to the presumption that our empire was not based on legal monetary sources. So what! Lot of time people make wrong assessment. Ask Imran Khan how many times he correctly decided to bat or bowl first after winning the toss?

“Yes, this is increase in assets is a natural phenomenon. Even though Benazir Bhutto was prime minister and not Asif Zardari, his assets skyrocketed in her first term and also in her second term, from him being a partner in Bambino cinema in Karachi to a multimillionaire … multibillionaire.”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

The Prime Minister continues, “They are saying that money was transferred back and forth to my party and by my party to me. Don’t they know the name of my party? Let me tell them again, it is Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz! It is my party, the party of Mian Nawaz Sharif and his family.”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

The Prime Minister hurriedly continues, “They are saying that I have three foreign currency accounts. So do I pay in rupees when I am shopping at Harrods for your Bhabi or my children?”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

Irritated though, but the Prime Minister continues, “Imran Khan is saying and now I find Asif Zardari is joining him in saying that I had promised to resign if the JIT report found me at fault.

“OK. Let me ask did Asif Zardari resign when he refused to send the letter to the Swiss court after the Supreme Court ordered him to do so? So why is he copying Imran Khan and singing his tune of Nawaz Sharif resign?

“Imran Khan is always making noise about winning cricket World Cup in 1992, but what about 1987? Who was captain? Did Imran Khan resign after Pakistan was eliminated in the semi-finals?

“What did Imran do? He came home, which was in Zaman Park, Lahore, at that time!

“When did I say that I would resign? Qasimi Sahib, here, play the part I told you on this big screen for these people from my speech of April 22, 2016. They can decide for themselves. And Qasimi Sahib get this part played on PTV, hour after every hour.”

The speech comes on the big screen. The Prime Minister lets it play out and continues, “Now you see that I never said that I will resign. I you want Qasimi Sahib can rerun it for you to see it again and again. All I said was that I will go home … am I loitering on the streets of Islamabad like whom many call ‘Pindi boys? I am in my home, as Prime Minister, my home is this, here, the Prime Minister’s House.

“I am true to my words. When I need to travel to Lahore, I will go to my other house, which is in Raiwind.

“I was never into loitering on streets. Like all good children, at maghrib time, I was in my home. You can ask my Ammaji. Because of this, she always said that I was a good boy. I never said anything about resignation.

“Imran Khan should know that Nawaz Sharif Never Lies!”

Matricide will push India to Doom

Immediately upon learning of Indian Supreme Court Chief Justice Jagdish Singh Khehar’s judgment of July 11 that suspended a government order that had banned the trade of cattle for slaughter, Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath rushed his call to Prime Minister Narendra Modi.

My Netaji, my Prime Minister, this Jagdish Singh wants to leave a legacy … this is a universal problem with firsts  Khehar as the first Sikh Chief Justice of India wanted to leave his legacy … firsts … firsts … see how Barak Obama … the first African American president … the secret first Muslim president … left his legacies that India’s true friend, Donald Trump is dismantling.

“Praised be the gods … Brahma, Saraswati, Lakshmi, Vishnu, Shiva, Durga, Harihara and Ardhanarishvara that this Sikh is only there till September 13. Western people consider Number 13 as unlucky but indeed this Number 13 will be India’s lucky day!

Modiji, you will be pleased to know that immediately upon learning about this hurtful Khehar verdict, I issued an executive order, adding to my official designation, my temporal authority with my religious authority as Mahant … head priest of the Gorakhnath Math, I declared that buffaloes are our maternal aunt, albeit of black hue, whereas the cows are our Mother.

“Thus should blunt this Sikh’s dastard act!

“Is this Khehar aiming for a political career after retirement that he is saying that the livelihoods of people cannot be subjected to uncertainties. It is being said that the Supreme Court has given relief to the multi-billion dollar beef and leather industries that employ millions of poor workers.

“What poor workers, Modiji! It is known even to the dumbest Indian that it is mostly Muslims who run the meat and leather sectors. Are we obliged to them?

“Did our Attorney General is Shri Venugopal tell this Khehar that in May, our government had decreed that animal markets could only trade cattle for agricultural purposes, such as ploughing and dairy production. Wasn’t this relief for the poor sections of our society enough? Has Khehar seen poor people ploughing their lands with tractors or with bullocks?

“Did Shri Venugopal tell this Khehar that the order also banned the slaughter of camels, which is the state animal of Rajasthan. Camels are the ship of the deserts of Rajasthan. The villagers inside desert area keep camels as domestic animals and earn their livelihood through this animal. So Modiji, you had given relief after relief to the poor, and still Khehar had to give his own relief.

“Modiji, you love to be called pro-business but it is this sector that is poisoning this purely religious issue. They are saying India annually exports $4 billion worth of meats. So dollars are more sacred than our Mother!

“What is $4 billion? Our IT industry could easily turnover more than $8 billion annually through scams. It is an Indian who did the fantastic Internal Revenue scam in the U.S. from India to cash $300 million from Americans in just one tax season! Why do we need to commit matricide for American dollars!

“Modiji, this matricide is a Sikh-Muslim conspiracy. You recall how Pakistan intelligence service … ISI … was supporting the Khalistan movement. It is payback by Khehar! Even though Benazir exposed this to Rajiv Gandhi and brought an end to this problem. I heard that Benazir had a soft corner for our Rajivji – handsome as he was, especially as compared to Asif Zardari who has no personality!

“Indeed, Modiji, indeed, we should install a statue of Benazir Bhutto because it was she who sent her interior minister Aitzaz Ahsan with the list of Sikhs who were waging war against India.

Jai Hind, this conspiracy was defeated but I suspect that some old-timers like this Khehar still feel obligated to Muslims.

“Please let me digress. While we are at it, Modiji, you should declare Gao Sanrakshan … cow protection force as a unit of our Indian Army. They can be armed as our forces are armed in Kashmir.

“Modiji, it makes my blood boil when I read Khehar’s order that ‘the livelihood of people should not be affected by this’. I ask what people, which people! Are Muslims people? When Israel was being created it was said that the slogan that the founding fathers used for Palestine was ‘A land without a people for a people without a land’. We have it documented in Anita Shapira’s book published by Oxford University Press in 1992 that Zionists used this slogan at the end of the nineteenth, and the beginning of the twentieth century. The rest is history. Great Britain accepted the fact that Muslims are not people, and Palestine is a bare unpopulated land. So on what authority did Khehar talk about affecting ‘people’.

“Apparently, Shri Venugopal did not cite such facts.

“Modiji, mother is mother. We should immediately file a review. We should not allow matricide to stand. Matricide will push India to doom. Jai Hind.”

This Silly Talk about Corruption

Former President Asif Zardari has summoned a meeting at the Bilawal House, Karachi. Present are his children, Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa, Sind Chief Minister Murad Ali Shah and Speaker of the Sindh Assembly Agha Siraj Durrani, party leader Sherry Rahman, Leader of the Opposition in the National Assembly Khurshid Shah, and Leader of the Opposition in the Senate Aitizaz Ahsan.

“First, I want to congratulate the co-chairman of our party, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari … rather myself … for the great victory in Sind assembly bye-elections. In PS-114, we have shown the world, we have shown Pakistan that Imran Khan’s approach to politics is flawed. What has his never-ending story of wiping out corruption given him? How many bye-elections has he won since 2013? He even lost own seat in two constituencies.

“In constituency 114, he was fourth! Even lower than Nawaz League despite his Panama talk. Saeed Ghani bags 23,840 votes, and Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf’s Najeeb Haroon bagged 5,942 votes. In 2013, in this constituency, PTI’s Israr Abbasi had gotten 13,807 votes. Do you see that this opposition to corruption has reduced Imran’s votes?

“Aitizaz see how your move worked. You praised his father, Waris Mir, and Hamid Mir was celebrating Saeed Ghani’s victory. Of course, his Geo and Jang Group are no fans of Imran.”

“Zardari Sahib, all credit goes you. You have made corruption a very sexy thing … the beautiful properties in Dubai, England, France, and America,” declared Aitizaz Ahsan.

“Thank you Aitizaz for your kind words. We have to regain our glory, the glory that was under our Great Shaheed, the Qaid-e Awam Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, and our beloved Bibi. For that we have to get Articles 62 and 63 removed from the Constitution.

“What is that fuss about? OK, we can give our party ticket to a person called Sadiq and to a person named Ameen!

“In its initial form, the Articles 62 and 63 of the 1973 Constitution that our Qaid-e Awam had promulgated, had not made it mandatory for a legislator to be ‘Sadiq’ and ‘Ameen’. Later, in the tenure of the awful Ziaul Haq, the terms were made part of the Articles. I can only agree with Nawaz Sharif’s State Minister on Information Technology and Telecommunication Anusha Rehman that if the Articles are reshaped to their original form, legislators cannot be prosecuted for not being ‘Sadiq’ and ‘Ameen’.

“For this, we have to give due credit to our friend Mian Nawaz Sharif.

“Now that the Joint Investigation Team report has come into effect with the Supreme Court acting on it, elections may come up before 2018. We need to be prepared.

“After looking at the JIT report, I can only laugh at the Supreme Court calling Mian Nawaz, a Godfather … ha hah hah … Godfather left his money exposed! Wow what a Godfather.

“I would even hire a consultant who has experience in drafting civil services examination questions to create an application form for us where we could find the crime capability of those applying our party’s tickets. Idealists can’t run a government … can’t run a party! See how Imran Khan is always getting upended due to his objective of working against corruption. Who in his right mind will want to represent a party whose chief opposes corruption?

“We have to go for people who can present proven records of at least last 5 years of their corruption.

“We have to maintain our tradition. PPP is party of legends like Prime Minister Raja Ashraf who had the famous rental power plants corruption. It is the party of our Prime Minister Yusuf Raza Gilani who pocketed the necklace that Mrs. Erdogan had donated for flood victims. It is the party of Sharjeel Memon, who was a Sindh government employee and became a billionaire within three years. It is party of you, Khurshid Shah who rose from an ordinary low-paid Water and Power Development Authority meter reader to great wealth. It is party of Asif Ali Zardari. It is party of Bilawal who got the Rs. 500 crore Bilawal House of Lahore gifted to him by Malik Riaz of Bahria Corp.

“It is party of those work for our corruption. Our brave daughter, Ayyan Ali who gallantly served in transporting foreign currency out of Pakistan. Our great hero Dr. Asim Husain whom no one could touch for too long and is free again.

“It is our jiyala, Abdul Qayyum Jatoi who bravely declared, ‘Corruption is our right!’ Yes. ‘Corruption is our religion!’

“It is PPP majority party in the Sindh Assembly that passed the bill to repeal the applicability of the National Accountability Ordinance, preventing the National Accountability Bureau from taking action against corruption by its ministers

“Our record is unmatchable. Only the Supreme Court called Nawaz, the Godfather when Asif Ali Zardari is the Great Grand Godfather.

“Just like as it is Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa’s birthright to rule Pakistan, it is my right to take whatever I like.

“So before we conclude this meeting, Murad Ali Shah, I want to see that Abdul Sattar Edhi’s burial place becomes a strong revenue source for us.

“In your capacity as chief minister, you build a mausoleum over Edhi’s grave. Besides collecting daily offerings, the party will organize an annual urs … Edhi Memorial Trust will be administered by the Sind religious affairs minister … Bilawal and I will be its co-chairs … the revenue will go directly to our Swiss accounts.

“My dear friends, corruption is the only way to defeat Imran Khan and his silly ideas about clean government and justice! I declare that Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa are next prime ministers in their due terms.”

What is this Talk about Morals?

Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is chairing a meeting of a group of his cabinet ministers to discuss the Joint Investigation Team (JIT) report presented to the Supreme Court on July 10.

The visibly upset chief executive harshly dismissed his assistant and asked him to take back the glass of khoya-topped lassi that had been placed in front of him. Rhinos are known for possessing a short fuse, and in a hissy fit the 2-ton beast can crumple metal and rip off car doors. In a blind rage, they’ll even charge butterflies — bet that any rhino would feel pretty ridiculous if it was asked to match the Prime Minister’s mood at the moment.

Minister for Planning and Development Ahsan Iqbal assured his chief that the report was merely worthless trash and only created to serve Imran Khan’s agenda.

“Mian Sahib, these small Grade 19 … 20 people were just focused on the Sharif family’s personal businesses. Has the United States Supreme Court set up a JIT to examine President Trump’s family personal businesses?

“So what if you set up a sugar mill, or purchased some properties in London? Is anyone asking why Donald Trump has so many golf courses?

Barrister Zafarullah Khan, Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Law and Justice, declared, “Honorable Mian Sahib, the only third time Prime Minister of Pakistan, I tell you and I say it loud and clear that it is not a JIT report, it is rather a Imran party … a PTI report… just the ramblings of inexperienced small people.

“Mian Sahib, one day these small people will come to you carrying their files for their promotions!”

Defense Minister Khawaja Asif declared, “Mian Sahib, you know that I went to law college so I am talking from knowledge that nothing in the report can be verified or be admissible as evidence as it is based on information provided by sources.

“It is nothing but Peoples Party propaganda based on the statements of [PPP’s ex interior minister] Rehman Malik. We all know how holy is this person.

“Mian Sahib, we will ask the Federal Investigation Agency to investigate that how many of the JIT members belong to Imran Khan’s party.

“We will organize massive rallies in all parts of the country demanding that the Supreme Court send this report into the trash bin, where it belongs,” he concluded.

Petroleum Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, declared, “Mian Sahib, you will remember that we expected the JIT report to be.

“It is simply a conspiracy to destroy Mian Sahib’s great metro transport program … Orange Line is still stalled.”

“Dear friends, your words are of great comfort. I am thinking that what is this moral authority, they keep talking about… may I ask them? Yes, there are many authorities all over Pakistan, like LDA … Lahore Development Authority, in Karachi, there is KDA, Karachi Development Authority and on and on.

“Now no one asked that I set up a Moral Authority. I should have become first Prime Minister to set up this authority and made my Maryam its chairman.

“Even the boy, Bilawal is now saying that after the JIT report Nawaz Sharif has totally lost moral and political authority to continue in office and must therefore resign. But this boy knows the meaning of moral authority, which his father Asif Zardari must have taught him. Perhaps I should have asked my brother Zardari Sahib about the set up of this moral authority instead of being blamed by this boy Bilawal. How can something be lost, when it was never there!

“What more to say … Shireen Mazari … and our brave Khawaja Asif has a wonderful … beautiful name for her … also keeps saying that Nawaz Sharif has lost all moral authority to remain PM. She even said if Mian Sahib had any self-respect and shame he would resign immediately. But isn’t self-respect a private matter? Why is she interfering with my personal affairs? But we all know that she is Shireen Mazari!

“Of course, her boss, Imran Khan keeps saying that Nawaz Sharif lost his moral status after the verdict of the Panama case. When did I lose status? I am the third time Minister of Pakistan!

“Imran Khan even said that Nawaz Sharif should resign over charges of corruption because of losing all moral legitimacy to be Prime Minister.

“Zafarullah Khan Sahib, you are a barrister and my Special Assistant on Law, you tell me what is this legitimacy business.

“So much talk about the moral this and that …

“One day, I was with a friend shopping on Oxford Street for your bhabi Kulsum, when he suggested that we visit the nearby British Museum. He said that it is more than 250 years old, and its walls are adorned with 20 creative and colorful morals.

“In fact, why go so far. I have learnt that even the ceiling of the Frere Hall in Karachi has a moral by Sadequain. I am told that many foreigners would come to see it. With all this talk about morals, although I am not a foreigner, the next time I will visit Karachi, I will go to Frere Hall to see this moral myself.”

The assembled gathering raises their fist and shout, “Sher Aaya, Sher Aaya.”

The Prime Minister acknowledging the praise, declares, “Everyone knows that the Lion has Strong Loins. I will look at the moral of Sadequain, which I have heard was left incomplete because he died, so we can ask an artist to add Nawaz Sharif riding a lion, holding the flag saying, “What are Morals?”

O Father Have Mercy on the Gluten-free

Penelope “Pinks” O’Kennedy was cheerfully getting ready for the Sunday service at the Roundabout Catholic Church, when the ringing of her cellphone broke her camaraderie.

“Pinks … Pinks … O Father, Son, and Holy Ghost … Pinks. Did you hear what the Vatican announced just now? I am missing a few heartbeats since I heard it on Channel 420. Pinks we can’t get communion with gluten-bread anymore,” gushed Jane “Starks” O’Gennes.

“Starks … I mean did you hear it yourself?”

“Yes, Pinks! Blessed be the most holy Name of Jesus without end! It was on Channel 420 a few minutes go. This is absolute cruel! I repeat exactly as it was said. The news said that the Vatican has decreed that bread used to celebrate the Eucharist during Roman Catholic masses must not be gluten-free – although it may be made from genetically modified organisms.

“What Starks! Really! So GM bread is OK with Our Father!”

“And gluten is in Pinks.”

“But Starks how did the Father … Pope Francis determine that gluten-free bread will not undergo transubstantiation and convert into the body of our Lord … Praise be Jesus Christ!”

“So Pinks here goes our weight reduction plan.”

“Starks, praise the Lord … they did not proscribe organic wine.”

“Yes. At least organic wine is going through the transubstantiation needed to make it the Christ’s blood.”

“Don’t know what religion are Gwyneth Paltrow, Victoria Beckham and Rachel Weisz because they all are gluten-free.

“Starks this is a conspiracy against Catholic women. Does the Holy Father want all of his female herd to be plump?” asked Pinks.

“Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make our hearts like unto yours. Amen. Pinks, we should draw up a petition to Cardinal Timothy Dolan, president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. We Americans, are 22 percent of world’s 1.2 billion Catholics. We deserve to be heard!” declared Starks.

“That’s a great idea. In this petition, we will inform Cardinal Dolan that if the Holy Father does not void his ban on gluten-free bread, we will revolt and have the Eucharist with chocolate chip cookies and beer.

“Cardinal Dolan needs to take serious notion. The Catholic Church cannot become the Church of the Gluten Fed Fat,” shot Pinks.

“I have another idea. Pinks we need to go to the GOP. Melania is Catholic and we can’t have a bloated First Lady. I bet she too goes gluten-free. We need to send a copy of the petition to her too. I am sure she can ask Donald to call Pope Francis on this.”

“Starks we need to look for a few Catholic billionaires to fund a study about which breads and beverages convert into the body and blood of Christ through transubstantiation.

“Of course, there is always your brilliant idea of having Eucharist with chocolate chip cookies and beer.

“I talked to John about your suggestion, and he said that so many networks would benefit with all those cookie and beer commercials tied to Eucharist.”

“Pinks, no way. Tell him it won’t ever be Keebler and Bud! It will be locally-sourced gluten-free organic chocolate chip cookies and organic craft beer. So, here we come Pope Francis!”

Choose the Best that the West Offers

Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is meeting with his inner circle of brother, the Punjab chief minister Shahbaz Sharif, state minister of information Maryam Aurangzeb, and hard-hitting designated spokesperson Daniyal Aziz before addressing a full cabinet meeting.

“We all know that it is often said that we should benefit from the good works of others, even if those people may be from western countries.

“Two days ago, someone, whom I met after a long time, told me about a great German information minister. I forget the name Google … or may be Gobhi … Oh no, not Gobhi. Remember as children we used to play alu, matar, gobhi/mein sahib tum dhobi … Daniyal you are half American, so I translate it for you, it says potatoes, peas and cauliflower/I am gentleman and you are washer man.

So this great minister, whatever his name … G …”

“You mean Goebbels, Mr. Prime Minister,” rendered Daniyal Aziz.

“You are right Daniyal. So this Mr. Goebbels said that if you repeat something so many times, it becomes like truth … a fact. This person was telling me that Mr. Goebbels was an expert and even today all the modern communications is based on this principle developed by him. Then this person gave me an example saying do I notice that why the companies keep repeating the same advertisement or commercial so many times.

“I told this person that I see your point and I will make good of use of Mr. Goebbels’ expertise. But he told me that Mr. Goebbels died in 1945 after being minister in Germany for more than 11 years. This is long time. Our Pervez Rashid was only minister of information for little more than three years.

“This is why I have called you before the full-cabinet meeting. Mariyam, you being our information minister you will arrange widest coverage of my speeches and my inaugurations and stone-laying ceremonies.

“I want to have as many as possible of such events all over Pakistan.

“We will assign each and every minister and advisor the task of arranging such events and all of them will coordinate through Maryam Aurangzeb to give me maximum coverage.

“In the cabinet meeting, I will speak first, and then Daniyal will give a speech showing my genius of using Mr. Goebbels’ technique. Then Maryum will speak and assure all the ministers the best services of her information ministry.

“Shahbaz Sahib, you not only make a speech but also read the famous poem that we Sharifs don’t accept anything… mein nahin manta…”

Daniyal Aziz offers his words, “Mr. Prime Minister not only it is a genius idea but also something that will destroy Imran Khan and his entire party in one blow.

“Mr. Prime Minister, you are the only third time Prime Minister of Pakistan, you should start this campaign at the mausoleum of the Father of the Nation, Mohammad Ali Jinnah, and not only lay the foundation stone of his mausoleum but also perform its inauguration before going to other projects.

“OK. OK. Some people like Imran Khan and his loudspeaker Shirin Mazari may shout that it was built in 1960. So what! But the third time Prime Minister of Pakistan Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif laid its foundation stone now!”

“God bless. Daniyal is such a great patriot. So in every speech and at every event, I will read the same speech that I, and everyone in our family know nothing about Panama. In fact, I will stress that how could I or any other family member know about Panama when we don’t even know how to spell the word Panama. I will assure them I, and my family members, do not hide anything from the public. I will tell the public that if this case was about pajama, despite the fact that I only wear shalwar, I and my family would have accepted it because we know how to spell pajama, and not just spell it we can also string a pajama too!