Take It America!

In the aftermath of President Trump’s speech of August 21 accusing Pakistan of aiding and abetting terrorism, Foreign Minister Khawaja Asif has taken his cabinet colleagues Federal Minister for Railways Khawaja Saad Rafique and federal minister for privatization Daniyal Aziz to meet with Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi.

Saad Rafique true to his form opens the discussion, “Sir, Prime Minister Sahib, you must have seen our great man, Khawaja Asif’s response to Trump’s utterly disgusting speech.

“Certainly, you made the right choice to have Khawaja Asif as the Foreign Minister of Pakistan. So Trump thinks that only he can tweet. See what great tweet our Khawaja Asif has done.

“I mean, Imran Khan is always showing off about his playing days when he placed the ball on the right spot. If anyone can do the right moves, it is our Khawaja Asif. See how he took care of the Haqqani issue. He drew the attention of Asif Zardari that instead of criticizing our government, he should rein in Hussain Haqqani because this person who was Zardari’s ambassador to the U.S. is taking credit of authoring the American policy that Trump announced.”

Khawaja Asif interrupted his cabinet colleague, “One needs to put things in the right perspective. The U.S. is always blaming Pakistan for harboring the Haqqani network, whom they have placed on their terror list.

“I mean since 2001, this Haqqani … Haqqani song has being going on from America.”

Danyal Aziz basking in the euphoria of his much delayed cabinet plum, adds, “They have the real Haqqani and they keep blaming us.

“They even made him Senior Fellow and Director for South and Central Asia at Hudson Institute!”

“Yes, Mr. Prime Minister. This is what I am saying that this Haqqani … Haqqani song keep playing when they are the one who are pampering Hussain Haqqani,” repeated Khawaja Asif.

The Prime Minister pauses and adds, “See despite all this, Trump is telling us that ‘We can no longer be silent about Pakistan’s safe havens for terrorist organizations.’ So as our foreign minister, you did the right thing and asked them about Hussain Haqqani enjoying American perks in Washington, D.C.

“And the connection of Zardari is clear enough. What about Trump? Didn’t he invite Zardari to his inauguration?

“I tell you the Zardari connection is deep. When Biden was Vice President, he had dinner with Zardari in Virginia.

“You are right. This Haqqani and Zardari connection is a reality. It was your duty as foreign minister to lay it out clearly.”

Khawaja Asif, Saad Rafique and Daniyal Aziz attempt to speak at the same time but Khawaja Asif gets his words through, “It is time that we say ‘Take It America!’”

Saad Rafique adds his bit, “I mean we are talking about the Haqqani issue and CNN airs its interview with Imran Khan.

“It is simply outrageous. Our embassy in Washington should let CNN know.

“And this Gori of CNN … I mean Hala Gorani … was constantly dropping in the prime minister word for Imran Khan to pick. No doubt, President Trump calls CNN as ‘Fake News CNN’. This woman was trying plant the idea of prime minister in Imran Khan’s already confused mind.

“Thank God the PTV is under government control and did not telecast the live debate on foreign policy because every word from Imran Khan was incendiary … absolutely!

“Now, what else you can expect from Imran Khan. He told CNN that that Pakistan could survive without any aid from America.

“Really! Without aid! Imagine who will enter politics when they know there is no aid money coming to dip their hands into.

“I mean Trump is asking change from Pakistan. But did he say that we change so much that we don’t ask for aid.

“Mr. Prime Minister your father was in the air force, but even Khawaja Asif and Daniyal Aziz would remember that milk powder used to come in American aid, and every body would try to get that milk. Where else you could find American milk in Pakistan.

“Our nation has been raised on American wheat and American milk, and Imran Khan is telling CNN that Pakistan could survive without any aid from America.

“I think Mr. Prime Minister that now our Khawaja Asif has initiated the Haqqani discussion, our foreign office should issue a statement asking them to rein in the Haqqani in Washington before asking us to rein in Haqqani wherever he is in Afghanistan.

“It should be a fair deal!”

Khawaja Asif interjects, “Yes, Mr. Prime Minister, I will get this statement issued keeping in mind the American TV news cycle timings so the all Americans should know that Pakistan has said, ‘Take it America!’”

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Worthy of Godliness

Prime Minister Narendra Modi has summoned a meeting to analyze President Trump’s August 21 speech on U.S. engagement and “the path forward” in Afghanistan and South Asia

Present are Sushma Swaraj, Minister of External Affairs, Foreign Secretary Dr. Subrahmanyam Jaishankar, Smriti Irani, Information & Broadcasting Minister, Anil Dhasmana, Secretary (Research), Research and Analysis Wing (RAW), and Navtej Sarna, the Indian ambassador to the U.S.

The Prime Minister orders gaumutra – his favorite drink made from cow urine – for an all around toast to Trump, the Indian Ambassador in the U.S. Navtel Sarna, the Indian external affairs ministry, Hailey Barbour and his BGR Group, the lobbyist for India in Washington, DC, Tulsi Gabbard, co-chair and the Congressional India Caucus, the first ever Hindu elected to the US House of Representative, Senators John Warner (D-VA) and  John Cornyn (R-TX) the co-chairs of the Senate India Caucus, and Indian Americans who contributed to the Trump presidential campaign, and Indians in the Trump administration, especially U.S. Permanent Representative to the UN Nikki Hailey.

The Prime Minister raises his glass and declares, “This is for Mr. Donald Trump, the true friend of India. August 21 will remain a glittering date in our war against Pakistan.

“Thank you Mr. President.”

They all go bottoms up with their drink.

“Truly all credit goes to Indians, to Indian Americans, and to our friends on Capitol Hill for guiding Mr. Trump to lay out America’s path forward in Afghanistan and South Asia,” the Prime Minister continues.

“I have re-read the transcript of our dear friend, Mr. Trump’s speech several times. What a beauty! See he said, ‘For its part, Pakistan often gives safe haven to agents of chaos, violence and terror. The threat is worse because Pakistan and India are two nuclear-armed states whose tense relations threaten to spiral into conflict. And that could happen.’

“Don’t we all love this part: ‘For its part, Pakistan often gives safe haven to agents of chaos, violence and terror.’

“Undoubtedly our Kashmir strategy works that Pakistan is the sole cause of the violence in Kashmir. See how Mr. Trump highlights it, ‘The threat is worse because Pakistan and India are two nuclear-armed states whose tense relations threaten to spiral into conflict.’

“Now this, ‘In Afghanistan and Pakistan, America’s interests are clear. We must stop the resurgence of safe havens that enable terrorists to threaten America.’

“Our friend, Mr. Trump talks of Pakistan and terrorists safe havens in the same breath.

“These are beautiful words indeed, ‘The next pillar of our new strategy is to change the approach in how to deal with Pakistan. We can no longer be silent about Pakistan’s safe havens for terrorist organizations, the Taliban and other groups that pose a threat to the region and beyond.’

“Our lobbyists and our Congressional and Senate Caucuses in Washington, D.C. have really got to take this forward. Our friend, Mr. Trump is talking in our tongue. He is repeating what we have been saying from Day One.

“Again full-credit must go to Ambassador Navtej and all our friends in Washington, D.C. These words of our dear friend, Mr. Trump are chiseled in gold. This is a sucker punch right on Pakistan’s nose, which was thankfully chopped by us in December 1971 into half.

“Viva Trump, I will say! I love reading it over and over again: ‘Pakistan has much to gain from partnering with our effort in Afghanistan. It has much to lose by continuing to harbor criminals and terrorists…” Then Mr. Trump mentioned some formalities about ‘sacrifices’ by Pakistan. But then he continued, ‘But Pakistan has also sheltered the same organizations that try every single day to kill our people. We have been paying Pakistan billions and billions of dollars at the same time they are housing the very terrorists that we are fighting.

‘But that will have to change. And that will change immediately. No partnership can survive a country’s harboring of militants and terrorists who target U.S. service members and officials. It is time for Pakistan to demonstrate its commitment to civilization, order and to peace.’

“What a beauty Mr. Trump: ‘It is time for Pakistan to demonstrate its commitment to civilization, order and to peace.’

“If you look at this speech, you will recall what the then White House spokesperson Sean Spicer, had mentioned when welcoming my visit. He had listed ‘fighting terrorism, promoting economic growth and reforms and expanding security cooperation in the Indo-Pacific region’ as common priorities for the two countries. “I had stressed that we are looking for a new direction for deeper bilateral engagement. I told him that our target is of $500 billion in trade in the coming years.

Jai Hind. We have it all.”

The Prime Minister pauses and orders one more round of gaumutra toast to Donald Trump.

Once the glasses bottom up, he continues, “This is India’s writ all over. My strategy of spending tens of billions of dollars on American arms … and I should Israeli arms too … has paid of rich dividends and so quickly. I have read this part of our friend, Mr. Trump’s speech, ‘Another critical part of the South Asia strategy for America is to further develop its strategic partnership with India, the world’s largest democracy and a key security and economic partner of the United States. We appreciate India’s important contributions to stability in Afghanistan, but India makes billions of dollars in trade with the United States, and we want them to help us more with Afghanistan, especially in the area of economic assistance and development. We are committed to pursuing our shared objectives for peace and security in South Asia and the broader Indo-Pacific region.’

“The world acknowledges that India is the world’s largest importer of weapons. Our market matters! $56 billion is no small thing! See how Mr. Trump said, ‘… India makes billions of dollars in trade with the United States.’

“The arms business we are giving Israel is the way to the heart of Israeli lobby in Washington, D.C. and the heart of the American politician.”

Yogi Adityanath, the priest who is the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, who has been brought into the conversation, interjects, “My Pardhan Mantri … my dear Prime Minister. Jai Hind. You are doing wonders. But I am perturbed by what I read this morning that despite our hard work at making Pakistan synonymous with terrorism, a world cricket squad is to visit Pakistan in September to play there. My Pardhan Mantri we are the most important member of the International Cricket Council, and Vinod Rai, president of our Board of Control for Cricket in India, must apply force to get this cancelled. We cannot allow the terrorism label on Pakistan to be diluted!

The other thing my Pardhan Mantri is that like Tendulkar has been assigned as the of god of cricket, our friend, Mr. Donald Trump’s godliness needs to be recognized by us. He should be declared the god against Islam, Muslims, and especially Pakistan!”

All present lifted their goblets of gaumutra and declared, “President Trump is Worthy of Godliness.”

Planning is the Word

Punjab Chief Minister and Pakistan’s Prime Minister-to-be Shahbaz Sharif arrives at the Punjab House in Islamabad to meet with the “seat-warmer”, the interim prime minister being brought in for 45 days, Shahid Khaqan Abbasi.

He is accompanied by Dr. Amra Raza, Chairperson of the Department of English Language and Literature, at the University of the Punjab.

Also in attendance are Foreign Secretary Tehmina Janjua and Chief of Protocol Sahebzada Ahmed Khan.

“Abbasi Sahib … Shahid Khaqan Abbasi you can understand how much confidence our Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif has in you. He has handed you this family heirloom for safekeeping – the ruling of Pakistan. The entire Sharif family has great trust in you,” stressed Mian Shahbaz Sharif.

He continued, “Our Prime Minister Mian Sahib could have bestowed the office upon my son, Hamza. But you know kids. Who knows that after 45 days, when I came, he would have asked, ‘Abba so soon!’

“Mian Sahib, could have assigned the office to Abid Sher Ali, son of his wife Kalsoom’s sister. But again you know sometimes dealing with in-laws and that too young people like Abid, is sensitive.

Bhaijan, Mian Nawaz is a man of great wisdom. He knows that you will use these six weeks to advance the glory of the Sharif family.

“Abbasi Sahib, the other day, you made this very intelligent observation that there is no harm in possessing an iqama; it’s just a visa. Yes. But why didn’t you share this point with Bhaijan’s lawyers?

“I know some people have to find faults. Now of all people this Peoples Party is making noise. This Senator Sherry Rehman is saying that there’s no such thing as an Interim Prime Minister in our Constitution. She is saying that caretaker is different, which is before polls only. Uff, my God, Peoples Party and Constitution!

“So. Who cares!

“Now all of you know me well. I am a person of planning. See how well I have planned the sewage and floodwater system in Lahore. Every time there is heavy rainfall, I am there wading in the water in my Wellington boots that I always buy from Harrods when I am in London, and my Panama hat. I don’t know why Imran Khan took umbrage over Panama. It is but a hat inventing country!

“And see how I get extensive media coverage when I reach out to flood stricken in our cities. All this increases my public support. I can win any election by a landslide!

“Yes, about planning. The first person that I would have picked for my cabinet would have been Ahsan Iqbal who was the choice of my Bhaijan for minister of planning. But now Imran Khan is making noise about his work visa … his Iqama in the Middle East.

“You may also be hearing the tattling that why my son, Hamza is being brought in as Chief Minister of Punjab. They are talking about things like experience. Uff, haven’t they see he is always traveling with 21 to 22 car protocols. What experience. Abbasi Sahib, you are familiar with the famous Urdu saying qazi kay ghar kay chhoayy bhi siya-nay hotay hain … even the mice that dwell in a judge’s house are smart. I mean real judges, and not like the five judges who gave this verdict against Bhaijan. Hamza has been born with ruling genes!

“At least for Punjab, this Sherry Rehman cannot raise the constitution issue over the interim chief minister. There is no constitution for provinces! Hear that Sherry!

“I have only six weeks to prepare to hold the chair for Bhaijan when he becomes Prime Minister, the fourth time in 2018!

“I know it is a problem created by the Americans that the wife of head of government is called First Lady. Everyone here agrees that I have still one more to go. Of the four allowed, I have just three wives. Now the problem will arise how do you call three different ladies, First Lady?

This is why, I have brought with me from Lahore, Dr. Amra Raza, Chairperson of the Department of English Language and Literature, at the University of the Punjab, who can enlighten about English language usage.

“Also, we have with us our Foreign Secretary Tehmina Janjua and Chief of Protocol Sahebzada Ahmed Khan. I am sure that especially Sahebzada Sahib being chief of protocol can enlighten us about this best.

“Madam Janjua, I hope that you understand the problem. For you it is simple. You are married to just one person, Syed Mansur Raza and he serves as first spouse when go to international meetings.

“Dr. Amra Raza, I am appointing you as the chair of the First Ladies Appropriate Nomenclature Committee. You can draw on any needed personnel assets in the public or private sectors, and please do send me the budgetary requirements for this committee.

“Now that we are discussing the title of more than one lady being the First Ladies, I have also been thinking about the need for a bigger plane for the Prime Minister. It should be something that can nicely accommodate three master bedrooms, with their own sitting areas. You can’t have one first lady in first class, and the two in coach class. You can’t have three wives with a husband in a row seating arrangement!

“Abbasi Sahib, you own AirBlue and have successfully run PIA into the ground, you can get the right jet ordered before I arrive.

“As I said that I am a planning person. I see an opportunity in our team’s June winning of Champions Trophy. Abbasi Sahib, you get the ball rolling with Najam Sethi and the Pakistan Cricket Board to educate Pakistanis that Champions Trophy is far weightier than World Cup. Crystal versus metals! Everyone should understand the difference between a trophy and a cup. It is matter of understanding simple English. People need to be reminded that Imran Khan merely won a cup but in June, Pakistan won a trophy.

“Talking about our Champions Trophy, I am reminded how our captain Sarfaraz had difficulty answering questions in English.

“Also, I have heard much about our sports people going overseas are not cultured enough. Not only they can’t speak English but also they can’t use western style bathrooms or even use western utensils … like eating with forks and knives.

“I have been told that in the United States cultured butter is a big rage. This is why these Americans are so cultured! In the first executive order that I will sign as Prime Minister, I will make cultured butter as a compulsory part of sports peoples’ diets. We need to send cultured sports people abroad. We can even take a World Bank loan to import this cultured butter from USA.

“What if we can’t have Ahsan Iqbal but remember that planning is the word!”

Never Trust an Aitchisonian

Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, who had served as the petroleum minister under Nawaz Sharif, has arrived in Punjab House to get his instructions to temporarily hold the position of Prime Minister of Pakistan.

Present at the meeting are the eventual officeholder, little brother, Shehbaz Sharif, 65, who is the currently chief minister of Punjab province, the home base of the Sharifs.

Present are the ousted prime minister, the prime minister-in-waiting, Kalsoom Nawaz, the ousted prime minister’s attorney general Ashtar Ausaf Ali – who is drafting the Sharif family’s agreement with Abbasi.

Also present are First Daughter Maryam Nawaz [Safdar], and sons Hussain and Hasan Nawaz.

“Abbasi Sahib, after due consultation with my family, I have selected you because under Yousaf Raza Gillani, in 2008, you have the experience of losing your cabinet position when the Supreme Court ousted him as Prime Minister.

“I have decided to appoint you to this post especially after you were recommended by Kalsoom, the mother of Maryam, Hussain, Hasan, and Asma.

“I have invited our friend attorney general Ashtar Ausaf Ali to draft the agreement that you will be signing today.

“You have served as Chairman of Pakistan International Airlines from 1997 to 1999 during my second ministry. Later, you successfully started Airblue. So you have experience of running a publicly owned corporation into the ground and successfully running your own company.

“You have served as Minister for Commerce and  Defense Production in the Gillani Sahib’s ministry, so are aware of the challenges of business people, especially when people are always shouting ‘corruption, corruption’ at them.

“What a great man in Gillani Sahib! It is remarkable how he recognized the value of the necklace that Emine, wife President Erdoğan donated for flood victims. Did they need it? It was rightly more befitting of his wife, our sister Fauzia.

“It is your experience Abbasi Sahib that endears me to you. You have been with the PPP and enjoy good ties with my brother Asif Zardari. Both, President Zardari and we share the ideal that rule should remain in the family.

“In this agreement, we are saying that you will call a press conference and announce your resignation as prime minister immediately after results for constituency 120 of the National Assembly appear on TV screens. And as soon as the Chief Election Commissioner announces the official result, you will convene another press conference and hand over authority to Sahabaz Sahib.

“It has been agreed by our family that I will be our party’s candidate for Prime Minister in 2018. Similarly, Shahbaz Sahib will contest for both the National and Punjab Assembly seats in 2018. And as soon as the results are announced, he will vacate his post and I will return as the first person to be Prime Minister the fourth time.

“It is agreed between us that during this period of of warming the seat for Shahbaz Sahib, you will only take any action whatsoever with mine and Shahbaz Sahib’s permission.

“It is also agreed that you will appoint my girl Maryam as your special assistant for foreign affairs in which capacity she will function as foreign minister. I want her to gain these credentials before I return in 2018 and appoint her as full time foreign minister.

“We are also agreeing that taking inspiration from your earlier prime minister, Gillani Sahib, you will defy any court, including the Supreme Court if they advise of any action against me or our family. Indeed, the hero Gillani Sahib refused to accept Supreme Court’s orders to reopen the Swiss bribery case against my brother Asif Zardari. He sacrificed his post for our brother Zardari Sahib.

“It is agreed that during your tenure you will not lay any foundation stones, or perform any opening ceremonies, or announce any projects whatsoever. Such actions are the exclusive prerogative of the Sharif family.

“It is also agreed that in case you are required to deliver any speeches or issue any statements, you will start with a preamble that you are guided by the wisdom and brilliance Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif and the Sharif family.

“Someone was suggesting that this agreement should be kept in safe deposit box of Shahbaz Sahib’s wife, but then my daughter Maryam rightly said that how can we know that which of Uncle Shahbaz’s three wives is keeping this document.

“So I am listening to Kalsoom, who we all know, is the wisest among us all. She said that she it will be kept in her safe deposit box. She rightly pointed out that God knows how much time Shahbaz Sahib’s three wives will take to decide about whose safe deposit box should hold this document.

“Abbasi Sahib, the entire world acknowledges that Kalsoom knows enforcement. After all she is the granddaughter of our greatest wrestler Gama Pehalwan.”

Kalsoom interjects, “Abbasi Sahib, you know Mian Sahib loves to boast. He is always boasting that no one should underestimate him because he used to bat against Imran Khan without wearing a helmet when he was at the height of his bowling career. Now, this is what his cricketing partner has done to him. And I used to remind him never trust an Aitchosonian.

“Even when I was in 11th and 12th grade in Islamia College for Women, all the girls used to say that never trust an Aitchisonian because they are always running after Kinnaird College girls.

“Now he was telling me that Chaudhury Nisar Ali Khan is saying that he will be the best Prime Minister.

“I told him that what if Nisar Ali Khan does not hand back the prime ministership to Shahbaz Sahib. And instead, he hands over the chair to Imran Khan. I had to remind Mian Sahib about Imran Khan’s speech in the National Assembly where he said that Nisar Ali Khan is his best friend, who even came to receive him at Lahore airport when he brought World Cricket Cup home in 1992. You know that both are Aitchisonians.

“I am saying again: never trust an Aitchisonian.

We Can Never Betray Our Eternal Benefactors

His Royal Highness Prince Mohammad bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, First Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Defense, is conferring with his father, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is King of Saudi Arabia, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques,

“My dear father, since our great benefactor of the modern times, Abu Ivanka Donald Trump has visited us, I am keeping a keen eye of any media reports about us. Thus I have hired the famous social media consultants in London, Fuolz Consultancy to advise us on the media reports about us.

“I have their report from today in which they tell us that ever since the publication of the news about the briefing given by Nickolay Mladenov, UN Special Coordinator for the Middle East Peace Process, which he gave in an open debate in the UN Security Council, over the situation in Jerusalem, that the conflict there could become a religious one, which could ultimately engulf the rest of the region, there is much criticism of our beloved kingdom in the social media.

“Of course while our brotherhood of the Beneficiaries of T.E. Lawrence, the Lawrence of Arabia, are maintaining an excellent silence, Muslims in some countries are agitating, especially over social media that, we, the oil-gifted, the most blessed of the Arabs, are doing nothing about the terror in Al Aqsa.

“O Father, you know these Muslims in the poor countries are the biggest troublemakers, whining and protesting that why we can’t use our clout for their brothers and sisters in Jerusalem … in Palestine.

“After receiving the briefing from Fuolz Consultancy, I asked my office to call our public relations consultants in Washington, D.C., Skweezstein and Shakemberg, and in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse, PLC. They have offered a wonderful solution. They are saying that we hire some of the liberal and secular, especially those who call themselves former Muslims, who are now living in the United States, Canada and England to be our defenders in the media.

Masha Allah … God be Praised, our advisors in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse say the liberal Muslims will take the fight to these protestors … these imbeciles who love the three Harmain … the holy mosques. Do they have to pray in Al Aqsa when our common benefactor, Great Britain gave that land to the one they pleased?

”O Father, we have to learn from our great friend, Abu Ivanka, see how smartly he did the transgender military ban, which only saves just $8 million per year, but it has diverted public attention from the troubles regarding Russia and his healthcare disaster, even if for a few days.

“O Father, we have to keep reminding our citizen that it was Great Britain who blessed us with this land. The most respected Harry Saint John Philby was Giod be Praised, the bountiful British officer who offered our blessed and great father, Abd al-Aziz – then the ruler of Nejd – to become the king of all Arabia in succession to the Ottomans. It was the British who helped us, and it was British machine guns and planes that killed most of our opponents.”

The king interjects, “Yes, I have to ask the imams of the Two Harmain to mention this in their Friday khutbas, and to explain while referring to the Quran where in Surah Al-Luqman (31:12), we are told, “… Any who is grateful does so to the profit of his own soul…

“Nowhere have I, or any of your uncles said that we are Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn al Talaata … Custodian of the Three Holy Mosques.

“It is by the blessings of Great Britain … the kindness of great Britons like Philby and Lawrence of Arabia that we are the Khadim Harmain al Sharifayn … Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques.”

The king continues, “Our benefactor, England, gave Netanyahu the land so they are free to do as they please, just as we are free to do as we please.

“It is only the little Tamim of Qatar and his toy Aljazeera that keeps reporting on the situation in al Aqsa. By doing so he is encouraging not only Palestinians but also other Muslims to get angry. Khaled [Prince Khaled bin Salman, Saudi Arabia’s ambassador to the United States] called me from Washington, D.C. that even Muslims in his area held protest Juma prayer in front of Netanyahu’s embassy. O Father, I am calling our respected Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al ash-Sheikh that in his capacity as Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, he should invalidate all such protest Juma prayers. Such acts are an insult to Great Britain and an insult to our dear Abu Ivanka.

“O Father, for my words to the Grand Mufti will bear greater authority, I ask you that as head of the House of Saud, the time has come that you proclaim me as Nayib Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn … the Deputy Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques Harmain al Sharifayn.

“We can never betray our eternal benefactors.”

China is no Match for India

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi has called an early morning, post-yoga meeting with External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj, Defense Minister Arun Jaitley, Minister of Information and Broadcasting Smriti Irani, chief ministers of states bordering China, Pema Khandu of Arunachal Pradesh, Trivendra Singh Rawat of Uttarakhand, Virbhadra Singh of Himachal Pradesh and Pawan Kumar Chamling of Sikkim.

The Prime Minister, nursing his glass of gaomutra, the health drink made with urine of female cows – the Holy Mothers, initiates the proceedings, “These Chinese have strict censorship but are their rulers only reading the censored news? It seems to me that this is the case.

“Did you hear that China has conveyed to foreign diplomats in Beijing that its has deployed its People’s Liberation Army at the Doklam plateau, ready for a standoff with us in Bhutan. They are also telling these diplomats that they will not wait for an indefinite period.

“China says that that Indian troops must pull back to the Indian side of the boundary unconditionally and immediately. This they say that this is a precondition for meaningful dialogue between them and us.

“Ha ha ha … China needs to know that it is a joke.

“China is claiming that the dispute is between China and Bhutan, but India has jumped in. Really, it is India alone that owns Nepal, Bhutan, Sikkim, Bangladesh, and Kashmir.

“China is not even a paper tiger. Despite all the posturing China has not been able to do anything over Taiwan. After all the support it gave, Vietnam has fallen into America’s lap, discarding them.

“Since we became independent, we have annexed Kashmir, Hyderabad, Goa, Junagadh, and Manavader. And China is still blowing hot and cold over Taiwan!

“Even Hong Kong is not under full Chinese writ!

“Pakistan needs to take heed when it is always singing that China is their tight friend.

“Shrimati Sushma we need to invite the diplomats for a reception, and in keeping with my ‘Make it in India’ policy, propose a toast to them with our gaomutra, and share the facts about India’s importance to the powers that really matter. Surely, no one is living in caves. They know. Our foreign exchange reserves are more than $387 billion. Not just the world, even China is dying for a piece of our market.

“In July, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the $621.5 billion defense policy bill to advance defense cooperation with us.

“Last December, we inked a nearly $8 billion deal with the U.S. for their 145 M777 ultra-light howitzers, which we will mostly deployed near our borders with China.

“During my visit to Israel – the apple of American and Western eyes — I signed a $3 billion deal with them. All of them know that Israel is one of our largest arms suppliers.

“In March, we signed a $5.5 billion deal with Russia for shipbuilding, and for the S-400 missile shield, as well, four Project 1135.6 class stealth frigates, especially to seal our airspace with Pakistan.

“So China can huff and puff, but we have the right to own any land that we desire. Remember ‘I’ is for India and ‘I’ is for Israel. Like Israel, we have the same rights over anyone’s territory that we desire… Sikkim, Bhutan … and what about Nepal!

“I think that I should challenge Xi Jinping about who has more admirers, him or I!

“You know when I met with our most loving friend President Trump, I told him about my ‘Make it India’ campaign. I told him that to starve China, he should take my lead and start a ‘Make it in America’ program. Can China survive without being able to sell to America’s dollar stores and Wal-Mart?

“Smriti Irani, your information ministry should focus on keeping people’s mind far away from foolish things like this Global Wealth Report compiled by Credit Suisse Research Institute. Its 2016 report is saying that India is the second most unequal country in the world with the top one per cent of the population owning nearly 60% of the total wealth. Thankfully no one will worry about it. First, of course, it is only the poor who are dying, and secondly, America has a Republican government, and they all know that wealth trickles down.

“Ha ha ha … Xi Jinping may be thinking that China has conquered Europe by buying Volvo company. Ohowhoo! Which cars does the British royal family rides? Volvo or our Tata Jaguar or our Tata Land Rover?

“Can Xi tell me how many Americans are doing his Lion Dance? My spies tell me that 37 million Americans or 15% of adults practice yoga in the U.S.

“A few more visits with President Trump, and our gaomutra will become America’s favorite drink! Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol and he needs a drink for all the toasts he has to do as President of the United States. It will be our gaomutra … Made in India with our Sacred Mothers’ finest!

“Mr. Xi it is time to stop posturing. China is no Match for India.”

The Jealous Seek to Undermine the American Way of Life

SRK “Starks” Crewberger was more sulky than ‘It’s Monday again’ mood as he leaned on the bar menacingly clutching his beer mug. He lifted his mug and declared, “Here’s once again for the REAL American President for kicking out that Paris Climate thing …

“One more Obama nonsense blasted out of the door!

“We have these Paris Agreement guys running all over everything that Americans love.

“Coffee-drinkers here, you agree that coffee pods deliver gourmet-quality coffee! So affordably priced with high convenience. Coming here, I heard on the radio about a survey that 33 percent of Americans, whom they were calling ‘respondents’, own a single-cup brewing system in their household, up from 7 percent in 2011. Now these environment freaks are telling us that there are high costs elsewhere, as the plastic and aluminum pods are fiendishly difficult to recycle and billions end up in landfill each year. Even some former Nespresso big head is saying that them pods are contributing to an environmental disaster.
“And it had to be Germans … the city of Hamburg has banned the use of coffee pods in public buildings.

“Now lets wait for the American liberals to start whining for the same. Isn’t it the Americans’ constitutional right to use things they enjoy? Are we responsible for the whole universe? Yes, we own it and we can use it, the way we like!

“Any tea drinkers here? They won’t leave them alone too. Yes, you all know that plastic tea bags offer a higher-quality brew, but the environment people got to destroy them. These poor tea bags are being accused of being resistant to composting, and possibly they are releasing some dangerous toxins. Oh oh … how many toxins can a little bag throw out! Oh Please!
“These liberals hate everything of convenience invented by Americans. Oh, and mention plastic bags and they go crazy!

“Tell me what would anyone use in rain … the wet and easy tear paper bags or the ever reliable waterproof plastic bags!

“Now we get this liberals’ conspiracy against businesses that they have declared that plastic bags are one of the most damaging sources of everyday pollution. Of course, it must a liberal source that said that one trillion non-biodegradable plastic bags are disposed of each year, breaking down in waterways, clogging landfill sites and releasing toxic chemicals when burned.

“Nothing is safe from these enviros … these liberals!

“Now they have discovered that many toothpaste brands contain plastic microbeads. So! How do get your teeth white and bright?

“Their favorite Obama banned microbeads, and countries across Europe also started following suit.

“The enviros are saying that these poor little … microscopic beads are a leading contributor to the 8 million tons of plastic that enters the ocean each year. They are saying that it has devastating consequences for wildlife and the marine environment.

“Toothpaste! Now some shower gel and cream products are also being condemned for having microbeads.

“Their science thing! They are saying that microbeads do not biodegrade and are too small to be caught in cleanup exercises, and they attract toxic chemicals as they travel.”

Meanwhile “Shoots” Nitpocker has moved from his barstool to sit next to “Starks.”
“Hey, I am Nitpocker, but people know me as Shoots.”

“Great to meet. I am Crewberger who’s known as Starks.”

“Starks, you are saying the truth. These liberals are squeezing out the American way of life. What is this empty place … this Sooty Arabia for? We got to write to everyone big in the nation’s capital to let the Americans live … let the Americans live according to our way!

“I don’t understand this fuss over environment and this degradable and that is non- degradable thing.

“I say let the Americans live the life they want and the environment things that the liberals don’t like can be dumped in this Sooty Arabia. Everything! These used coffee pods … these tea bags … these microbeads.”

“Shoots, them liberals never talk about China … red China!

“I heard on Red and Blue TV News that the disposable chopsticks that these Chines use at every meal are stripping Asian forests bare. The news said that 4 million trees are used to produce 57 billion pairs of disposable chopsticks each year. The TV folks were using the ultra-liberal Greenpeace’s numbers, and they also said these chopsticks are treated with chemicals that can cause respiratory disorders.
“Ha ha …And Amnesty International couldn’t be far behind. They are finding human rights issues, as they say that chopsticks are sometimes produced in labor camps.”

“Starks you right. The Chinese are awful. They are grab and go. They even grabbed Volvo car company from the Ford cars.

“You right about Sooty Arabia, Shoots. You remember all the photos we were getting everywhere when President Trump visited this Sooty Arabia. The king and his kid love our tremendous President. The President should tweet this Sooty Arabia king to prepare landfills for the plastic and other disposable stuff that drives the liberals crazy. I bet this king of Sooty will stand on his head to carry out our President’s command!

“We should also ask President Trump to issue by executive order, the New Standard Revised Version of the United States Constitution that has none of the liberal namby-pamby!

“Trump needs to shut up these jealous folks who seek to undermine our American Way of Life.”