We Can Never Betray Our Eternal Benefactors

His Royal Highness Prince Mohammad bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, First Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Defense, is conferring with his father, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is King of Saudi Arabia, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques,

“My dear father, since our great benefactor of the modern times, Abu Ivanka Donald Trump has visited us, I am keeping a keen eye of any media reports about us. Thus I have hired the famous social media consultants in London, Fuolz Consultancy to advise us on the media reports about us.

“I have their report from today in which they tell us that ever since the publication of the news about the briefing given by Nickolay Mladenov, UN Special Coordinator for the Middle East Peace Process, which he gave in an open debate in the UN Security Council, over the situation in Jerusalem, that the conflict there could become a religious one, which could ultimately engulf the rest of the region, there is much criticism of our beloved kingdom in the social media.

“Of course while our brotherhood of the Beneficiaries of T.E. Lawrence, the Lawrence of Arabia, are maintaining an excellent silence, Muslims in some countries are agitating, especially over social media that, we, the oil-gifted, the most blessed of the Arabs, are doing nothing about the terror in Al Aqsa.

“O Father, you know these Muslims in the poor countries are the biggest troublemakers, whining and protesting that why we can’t use our clout for their brothers and sisters in Jerusalem … in Palestine.

“After receiving the briefing from Fuolz Consultancy, I asked my office to call our public relations consultants in Washington, D.C., Skweezstein and Shakemberg, and in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse, PLC. They have offered a wonderful solution. They are saying that we hire some of the liberal and secular, especially those who call themselves former Muslims, who are now living in the United States, Canada and England to be our defenders in the media.

Masha Allah … God be Praised, our advisors in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse say the liberal Muslims will take the fight to these protestors … these imbeciles who love the three Harmain … the holy mosques. Do they have to pray in Al Aqsa when our common benefactor, Great Britain gave that land to the one they pleased?

”O Father, we have to learn from our great friend, Abu Ivanka, see how smartly he did the transgender military ban, which only saves just $8 million per year, but it has diverted public attention from the troubles regarding Russia and his healthcare disaster, even if for a few days.

“O Father, we have to keep reminding our citizen that it was Great Britain who blessed us with this land. The most respected Harry Saint John Philby was Giod be Praised, the bountiful British officer who offered our blessed and great father, Abd al-Aziz – then the ruler of Nejd – to become the king of all Arabia in succession to the Ottomans. It was the British who helped us, and it was British machine guns and planes that killed most of our opponents.”

The king interjects, “Yes, I have to ask the imams of the Two Harmain to mention this in their Friday khutbas, and to explain while referring to the Quran where in Surah Al-Luqman (31:12), we are told, “… Any who is grateful does so to the profit of his own soul…

“Nowhere have I, or any of your uncles said that we are Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn al Talaata … Custodian of the Three Holy Mosques.

“It is by the blessings of Great Britain … the kindness of great Britons like Philby and Lawrence of Arabia that we are the Khadim Harmain al Sharifayn … Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques.”

The king continues, “Our benefactor, England, gave Netanyahu the land so they are free to do as they please, just as we are free to do as we please.

“It is only the little Tamim of Qatar and his toy Aljazeera that keeps reporting on the situation in al Aqsa. By doing so he is encouraging not only Palestinians but also other Muslims to get angry. Khaled [Prince Khaled bin Salman, Saudi Arabia’s ambassador to the United States] called me from Washington, D.C. that even Muslims in his area held protest Juma prayer in front of Netanyahu’s embassy. O Father, I am calling our respected Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al ash-Sheikh that in his capacity as Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, he should invalidate all such protest Juma prayers. Such acts are an insult to Great Britain and an insult to our dear Abu Ivanka.

“O Father, for my words to the Grand Mufti will bear greater authority, I ask you that as head of the House of Saud, the time has come that you proclaim me as Nayib Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn … the Deputy Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques Harmain al Sharifayn.

“We can never betray our eternal benefactors.”


China is no Match for India

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi has called an early morning, post-yoga meeting with External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj, Defense Minister Arun Jaitley, Minister of Information and Broadcasting Smriti Irani, chief ministers of states bordering China, Pema Khandu of Arunachal Pradesh, Trivendra Singh Rawat of Uttarakhand, Virbhadra Singh of Himachal Pradesh and Pawan Kumar Chamling of Sikkim.

The Prime Minister, nursing his glass of gaomutra, the health drink made with urine of female cows – the Holy Mothers, initiates the proceedings, “These Chinese have strict censorship but are their rulers only reading the censored news? It seems to me that this is the case.

“Did you hear that China has conveyed to foreign diplomats in Beijing that its has deployed its People’s Liberation Army at the Doklam plateau, ready for a standoff with us in Bhutan. They are also telling these diplomats that they will not wait for an indefinite period.

“China says that that Indian troops must pull back to the Indian side of the boundary unconditionally and immediately. This they say that this is a precondition for meaningful dialogue between them and us.

“Ha ha ha … China needs to know that it is a joke.

“China is claiming that the dispute is between China and Bhutan, but India has jumped in. Really, it is India alone that owns Nepal, Bhutan, Sikkim, Bangladesh, and Kashmir.

“China is not even a paper tiger. Despite all the posturing China has not been able to do anything over Taiwan. After all the support it gave, Vietnam has fallen into America’s lap, discarding them.

“Since we became independent, we have annexed Kashmir, Hyderabad, Goa, Junagadh, and Manavader. And China is still blowing hot and cold over Taiwan!

“Even Hong Kong is not under full Chinese writ!

“Pakistan needs to take heed when it is always singing that China is their tight friend.

“Shrimati Sushma we need to invite the diplomats for a reception, and in keeping with my ‘Make it in India’ policy, propose a toast to them with our gaomutra, and share the facts about India’s importance to the powers that really matter. Surely, no one is living in caves. They know. Our foreign exchange reserves are more than $387 billion. Not just the world, even China is dying for a piece of our market.

“In July, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the $621.5 billion defense policy bill to advance defense cooperation with us.

“Last December, we inked a nearly $8 billion deal with the U.S. for their 145 M777 ultra-light howitzers, which we will mostly deployed near our borders with China.

“During my visit to Israel – the apple of American and Western eyes — I signed a $3 billion deal with them. All of them know that Israel is one of our largest arms suppliers.

“In March, we signed a $5.5 billion deal with Russia for shipbuilding, and for the S-400 missile shield, as well, four Project 1135.6 class stealth frigates, especially to seal our airspace with Pakistan.

“So China can huff and puff, but we have the right to own any land that we desire. Remember ‘I’ is for India and ‘I’ is for Israel. Like Israel, we have the same rights over anyone’s territory that we desire… Sikkim, Bhutan … and what about Nepal!

“I think that I should challenge Xi Jinping about who has more admirers, him or I!

“You know when I met with our most loving friend President Trump, I told him about my ‘Make it India’ campaign. I told him that to starve China, he should take my lead and start a ‘Make it in America’ program. Can China survive without being able to sell to America’s dollar stores and Wal-Mart?

“Smriti Irani, your information ministry should focus on keeping people’s mind far away from foolish things like this Global Wealth Report compiled by Credit Suisse Research Institute. Its 2016 report is saying that India is the second most unequal country in the world with the top one per cent of the population owning nearly 60% of the total wealth. Thankfully no one will worry about it. First, of course, it is only the poor who are dying, and secondly, America has a Republican government, and they all know that wealth trickles down.

“Ha ha ha … Xi Jinping may be thinking that China has conquered Europe by buying Volvo company. Ohowhoo! Which cars does the British royal family rides? Volvo or our Tata Jaguar or our Tata Land Rover?

“Can Xi tell me how many Americans are doing his Lion Dance? My spies tell me that 37 million Americans or 15% of adults practice yoga in the U.S.

“A few more visits with President Trump, and our gaomutra will become America’s favorite drink! Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol and he needs a drink for all the toasts he has to do as President of the United States. It will be our gaomutra … Made in India with our Sacred Mothers’ finest!

“Mr. Xi it is time to stop posturing. China is no Match for India.”