His Royal Highness Prince Mohammad bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, First Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Defense, is conferring with his father, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is King of Saudi Arabia, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques,
“My dear father, since our great benefactor of the modern times, Abu Ivanka Donald Trump has visited us, I am keeping a keen eye of any media reports about us. Thus I have hired the famous social media consultants in London, Fuolz Consultancy to advise us on the media reports about us.
“I have their report from today in which they tell us that ever since the publication of the news about the briefing given by Nickolay Mladenov, UN Special Coordinator for the Middle East Peace Process, which he gave in an open debate in the UN Security Council, over the situation in Jerusalem, that the conflict there could become a religious one, which could ultimately engulf the rest of the region, there is much criticism of our beloved kingdom in the social media.
“Of course while our brotherhood of the Beneficiaries of T.E. Lawrence, the Lawrence of Arabia, are maintaining an excellent silence, Muslims in some countries are agitating, especially over social media that, we, the oil-gifted, the most blessed of the Arabs, are doing nothing about the terror in Al Aqsa.
“O Father, you know these Muslims in the poor countries are the biggest troublemakers, whining and protesting that why we can’t use our clout for their brothers and sisters in Jerusalem … in Palestine.
“After receiving the briefing from Fuolz Consultancy, I asked my office to call our public relations consultants in Washington, D.C., Skweezstein and Shakemberg, and in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse, PLC. They have offered a wonderful solution. They are saying that we hire some of the liberal and secular, especially those who call themselves former Muslims, who are now living in the United States, Canada and England to be our defenders in the media.
“Masha Allah … God be Praised, our advisors in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse say the liberal Muslims will take the fight to these protestors … these imbeciles who love the three Harmain … the holy mosques. Do they have to pray in Al Aqsa when our common benefactor, Great Britain gave that land to the one they pleased?
”O Father, we have to learn from our great friend, Abu Ivanka, see how smartly he did the transgender military ban, which only saves just $8 million per year, but it has diverted public attention from the troubles regarding Russia and his healthcare disaster, even if for a few days.
“O Father, we have to keep reminding our citizen that it was Great Britain who blessed us with this land. The most respected Harry Saint John Philby was Giod be Praised, the bountiful British officer who offered our blessed and great father, Abd al-Aziz – then the ruler of Nejd – to become the king of all Arabia in succession to the Ottomans. It was the British who helped us, and it was British machine guns and planes that killed most of our opponents.”
The king interjects, “Yes, I have to ask the imams of the Two Harmain to mention this in their Friday khutbas, and to explain while referring to the Quran where in Surah Al-Luqman (31:12), we are told, “… Any who is grateful does so to the profit of his own soul…
“Nowhere have I, or any of your uncles said that we are Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn al Talaata … Custodian of the Three Holy Mosques.
“It is by the blessings of Great Britain … the kindness of great Britons like Philby and Lawrence of Arabia that we are the Khadim Harmain al Sharifayn … Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques.”
The king continues, “Our benefactor, England, gave Netanyahu the land so they are free to do as they please, just as we are free to do as we please.
“It is only the little Tamim of Qatar and his toy Aljazeera that keeps reporting on the situation in al Aqsa. By doing so he is encouraging not only Palestinians but also other Muslims to get angry. Khaled [Prince Khaled bin Salman, Saudi Arabia’s ambassador to the United States] called me from Washington, D.C. that even Muslims in his area held protest Juma prayer in front of Netanyahu’s embassy. O Father, I am calling our respected Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al ash-Sheikh that in his capacity as Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, he should invalidate all such protest Juma prayers. Such acts are an insult to Great Britain and an insult to our dear Abu Ivanka.
“O Father, for my words to the Grand Mufti will bear greater authority, I ask you that as head of the House of Saud, the time has come that you proclaim me as Nayib Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn … the Deputy Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques Harmain al Sharifayn.
“We can never betray our eternal benefactors.”