Our Strength Lies in Sheeples

Former President Asif Zardari has called a press conference in his Karachi residence, the Bilawal House, where he is seated in a bulletproof glass enclosure, while the media representatives have been placed ten feet away from that box.

“My dear friends, and we have among you a lot of friends whom we have favored. God willing after July 25, when we regain our power of distributing the largesse, those who desire shall not go unfulfilled.

“My dear friends, I have invited you here today … by the way dinner will be served after we finish our conversation … to clear any misunderstanding over Bilawal’s announcement that the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) has suspended its countrywide political rallies.

“You know that Bilawal is a young boy and as his father, I am obligated to guide him in his political career. I explained to him the ground realities about his political career. First, I reminded him that he was gifted the 14-acre 32 million Pound Sterling Bilawal House in Lahore by my friend Malik Riaz Hussain, chairman of Bahria Town, not because he is his uncle, but because Malik Riaz owes a lot to me for his astounding successes. For example take his massive Bahria Town Karachi scheme for which he needed acquired land in the city’s Malir district. God bless, our party was ruling Sindh, and our land officials all the way from the Malir Development Authority to the Sindh Building Control Authority and Board of Revenue did everything for him that he needed.

“I explained to Bilawal that his solo visit to Lyari is enough, because he should always keep in mind why I added Bhutto as middle name for all of my three children.

“I told him not to be crazy like Imran Khan who has announced that he would continue to hold election campaigns despite the terror threats. I am told that he was warned of life threats and to refrain from holding rallies in Swabi, Mardan, and Taxila, but he refused to accept the fear of the bombers and went ahead with these rallies. I recall that he also keeps saying that life and death belongs to God. You will recall that before he got injured in that fall in Lahore before the 2013 voting started, he had said that you couldn’t lead a revolution and hide behind bulletproof glass.

“I reminded Bilawal that unlike him, Imran Khan has no Bhutto-like legacy, except the two or three hospitals and a college that he has built.

“I told Bilawal that rest assured neither he, nor I are leading any sort of revolution, our strength lies in maintaining the status quo and of course, which means adding to our Swiss bank deposits and our overseas real estate portfolios.

“God bless, Bilawal is a good boy. He always listens to me. He knows that how much wealth I have amassed for him and his sisters.

“I have therefore asked our party representatives to arrange small-scale gatherings, each for not more than 120 people. You know that especially in Sindh, we have a large membership of landed gentry, and each of them can arrange sumptuous dinners for more than one hundred, I would say thousands of people.

“And again I told Bilawal to focus on why the Bhutto was added as his middle name. Aren’t we campaigning on the sacrifices of our nation’s greatest martyrs … his mother BB, and his grandfather Zulfikar Ali Bhutto?

“My friends, you tell me, hasn’t this idea been working for more than three decades? Didn’t this formula lead me to the President’s House?

“God bless him that he agreed with my point of view that the sacrifices of our great martyrs are more than enough.

“I told him that we are fortunate that we have to rely on the votes of sheep … err … I mean sheeples.

“Indeed I like his idea that we should rename our Pakistan People Party as the Pakistan Sheeples Party, especially when I hear that some people, and I guess they are Imran Khan’s people, who are publicizing that PPP really stands for Pakistan Plunder Party. What plunder? Every penny that I deposit in my Swiss accounts and every penny that I invest in real estate overseas is totally deserved because public service does come for free,” gesturing the media representatives to move to the dinner tables, the former president, concludes, “My dear friends, our strength lies in sheeples.”

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The Ideally Suited House of Saud … err … the House of Salman

Muhammad bin Salmān, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, who also serves as First Deputy Prime Minister, President of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs and Minister of Defense – MBS to some, is meeting with his father King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, who is also the Prime Minister, and is designated as the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques at the Erga Palace in Riyadh.

“O Father, a few minutes ago, I was on the phone with my brother Jared Kushner … the son-in-law of President Trump Abu Ivanka.

“We had a very interesting discussion about our region and the exalted role our kingdom … the House Saud … rather the House of Salman has to play in the layout of things favored by their policymakers,” informed MBS.

“O my son, O Mohammad, what is the thing about ‘policymakers’? I don’t get it. Isn’t Abu Ivanka the president of the United States, so doesn’t he make the policy? Do we have any policymakers? Whatever we say, and even think is the policy!” stressed the king.

“Yes my father, I know that it is the ruler who has the absolute power but I guess it is their system to have some policymakers. When I was in America, I used to hear about the passing the buck … probably in their system, the policymakers come in handy when passing the buck.

“But I was talking about my discussion with my brother Jared. He told me about the great concept favored by the celebrated American statesman, Henry Kissinger called ‘salami tactics’. Let me tell you though this salami tactics has nothing to do with our greetings of Assalamu alaykum – nothing about peace. This salami tactics takes its name from a meat preparation that has thin slices.

“When my brother mentioned about this tactic, I told him that this blessing was cast upon us by Lawrence of Arabia … oh, by the way, I found that his full name was Colonel Thomas Edward Lawrence. He cut up our region into small pieces like the salami slices so we have many royal families … many rulers, like our House of Saud … er, I mean the House of Salman.

“Upon hearing this, my brother Jared said that it is good that I am familiar with this policy of salami tactics. I said yes, this is why your father-in-law Abu Ivanka is able to sell beautiful American weapons to so many countries in the region.

“I told my brother Jared that we, the House of Saud … err, I mean House of Salman, our doing our bit. We continue our war in Yemen … we continue our blockade of Qatar … we are supporting the squeeze and starving of the Palestinians.

“I also told my brother Jared about the good work being done by my brother Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed bin Sultan Al-Nahyan, the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, who is also the deputy Supreme Commander of the UAE’s Armed Forces.

“God bless him, he was very appreciative of his work in the region, especially how United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia have been solidified our political, economic and military activities in the region over the last two years. Then there is the excellent Emirati pursuit of controlling certain strategic ports in the Horn of Africa, particularly in Somalia and Djibouti. My brother bin Zayed is also seeking new military bases in the semi-autonomous regions of Somalia, which are Somaliland and Puntland, and in the port city of Assab in Eritrea.

“Somalia, a you know tried to act like a big boy and refused my brother bin Zayed’s request to support our political blockade of Qatar. Not only that, Somalia seized a aircraft of my brother bin Zayed that was taking $10 million for the forces in Somaliland and Puntland … our influence in these two places is much needed to keep Somalia in its place. My brother bin Zayed retaliated immediately and closed the Sheikh Zayed hospital, which was built in Somalia to provide free medical care for low-income citizens there.

My brother bin Zayed has successfully seen off Qatari interest in Socotra, the strategic Yemeni island, by sending aid there after a hurricane and then construction companies, which are there to build an Emirati version of Diego Garcia, the Indian Ocean atoll where America has a large military base.

“I told my brother Jared that like me, my brother bin Zayed is equally efficient. For example when Djibouti tried to act smart and its President Ismail Omar Guelleh announced his decision to proceed with the unilateral and immediate termination of the concession contract awarded to UAE’s DP World, he told him that UAE would send Djibouti back to the conditions in which it existed before 2005.

“God be praised, after hearing all this, my brother Jared told me that for the United States the House of Saud … err … the House of Salman is ideally suited. O my Father, may God bless you with long life and may your seed prevail forever. May the House of Salman continue to prosper from the salami operations conducted by our blessed benefactor Colonel T.E. Lawrence.”

Lies, Lies, Lies … It is the Bhutto Name that Draws American Leaders

The former President, Asif Ali Zardari is absolutely livid as he engages with his inner circle and some senior party officials. In attendance are his children, ‎Bilawal‎, Bakhtawar, and ‎Aseefa; and his sister Faryal Talpur. Besides the family members are Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) Secretary-General Nayyar Hussain Bukhari, Leader of Opposition in the Senate Sherry Rehman, Leader of the Opposition in the National Assembly Khurshid Shah, party Secretary Information Ch. Manzoor Ahmad, and Sindh Chief Minister Syed Murad Ali Shah.

A copy of the May 22 issue of The News is lying on the table, folded open to Murtaza Ali Shah’s report that PPP hired a lobbying firm in Washington for one month in February this year and paid $100,000 fees for setting up meetings and media interviews for Bilawal Bhutto Zardari.

“How on earth such nonsense gets published in The News! Syed Murad Ali Shah you are the Sindh Chief Minister, I want to know it from you! Yes, you, Shah Sahib!

“And if I am not wrong this Murtaza Ali Shah is based in London, so how is he reporting about Washington, D.C.?

“Why it has not been denied by us as yet? Chaudhry Manzoor Ahmad, you are the party Secretary Information, so why it got into print? Aren’t you delivering the goodies to the media people?

“Why no one from the party told this Murtaza that my Bilawal is Washington. D.C.’s apple of the eye … in fact, America’s apple of the eye? This is simply telling the world that even to see an elected American representative, we had to pay $100,000 … translated, it means that The News is telling people that we have no personal rapport in Washington, D.C.

“Yes, it may be history to some. But I am the only Pakistani about whom in 1999, the American Senate subcommittee on banking held a hearing about my money laundering.

“I am in tune with President Trump’s transactional relations policy as I have multiple properties in America … in New York City … in Florida … I am the source of jobs and taxes. So I am someone there, and if some elected officials met with Bilawal, we did not need a lobbyist. Our family has deep ties in America.

“His mother and ambassador Peter Galbraith went to Harvard … and when our Living Leader, Mr. Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was president, Peter’s father John was the American ambassador here. Peter was ten years old then, and had met Benazir who was also a child then. We go a long way with Americans!

“This nonsense is most damaging to our stature and indeed to the memory of great leaders, Mr. Bhutto and Benazir.

“We need to issue a strongly worded statement saying that the News report is full of untruths. We need to press the fact that Bilawal was invited by Woodrow Wilson Institute to talk about the need of a strong democracy in Pakistan to defeat terrorism and extremism.

“This Mir Shakeelur Rahman and his Jang/News Group needs to be fixed. Mr. Chief Minister Syed Murad Ali Shah just totally ban all government advertising to Mir’s group. Let him come begging to me! In fact call Nasir just now … your Minister for Information Syed Nasir Hussain Shah and ask him to tighten the screws on Mir Shakeel.

“You wont find such drivel in The Daily Times, the late Salman Taseer was ours and his family is loyal to us.

“Sherry, you can understand how damaging is this that we paid $100,000 for just one month of lobbying – like Rs. 12 crore. Next time, I will go to America with Bilawal. I can call on friends like Rafat Mahmood who invited the governor of Virginia Terry McAuliffe and so many elected representatives to his house to dine with me. I did not even give him $100. I am sure that Rafat would have mentioned my name to them and they came rushing to meet me … to get photographed with me.

“Sherry, you were with me when we went to National Prayer Breakfast with President Obama.

“Sherry, you come with me. Next week we are going to America. We need to warn the Americans about Imran Khan, especially when American have no idea what is cricket. We need to impress upon them that they can trust the nuclear button with a cricketer! You need to get Rafat and our Senator Dr. Akbar Khawaja on the move! Murad Ali you can sanction $250,000 as payment for lobbying in Washington, D.C., under head for attracting industry to Sindh.

“Meanwhile, this News has to be cleared immediately! We have to tell the world that it is just lies, lies, lies … It is the Bhutto name that draws American leaders to us.”

The Swiss Nest needs Caring

The recent report that the Swiss National Bank (SNB) is calling time on a series of banknotes from 1976, and they will lose value in 2020, has spurred the former Pakistani President Asif Zardari into action.

He has summoned a meeting with his son Bilawal, daughters Bakhtawar and Aseefa, and sisters Fouzia Zardari, Azra Peechoho and Faryal Talpur to discuss the Swiss holdings situation.

Zardari starts the discussion, “I am just surprised at myself that I did not note that Swiss Francs have an expiration date.

“You all will remember that when this chief justice Iftikhar Chaudhury tried to shortchange me after outlawing my and Benazir’s NRO with Pervez Musharraf, how our great lawyer Farooq Naek did not let anyone near our Swiss bank accounts.

“I needn’t tell you that documented money is not the safest. So in addition to that over discussed Swiss account of $70 million, I have safe deposit boxes in a few Swiss banks and of course in other countries. It is good that the vast majority is not familiar with SFr exchange with the Pakistani rupee … 1 SFr equals Rs.107.30.

“I am leaving Geneva this evening and visit all our safe deposit boxes and make sure that we are only keeping bank notes that have long lives.

“Yes, Swiss are very mindful of the interests of money owners because banking is a mainstay but instead of waiting for them to change the limit of exchange, I am making my move now.”

Addressing his three children, he adds that they have the numbers to all these accounts and safes, he adds, “One should never tire from exploring avenues for safekeeping one’s assets.

“Yes, the assets are safe but being in deposit boxes they are not earning dividends. I will also be meeting with Swiss funds experts and lawyers to see how we keep these assets in motion to earn on them.”

His younger daughter Aseefa asks, “What about investing though our offshore companies?”

Her father agrees and advises, “Yes offshores are a great bet but in this age of leaks and hacking, we need to find safe airtight offshores before moving our cash there. This is why I am not tying any of our deposits and boxes to any of our offshore companies.

“Even if we our control over Pakistan doesn’t come in 2018, but our rule in Sind everlasting, Sind is growing our holdings and we will continue this hold.”

His older daughter Bakhtawar chimes in “God bless our grandpa, Shaheed Bhutto and our mother that the Sindhis are keeping us comfortable.”

Her father raises his hands in prayer and declares, “God bless them, they are more than gold mines for us.”

With a wink and smile, he quips, “But what about your Dad who produced your mother’s will?”

“Dad, why can’t we get that part of the will etched in gold?” she asks.

“Bakhtawar and Aseefa before that I have to reveal the full will. Your grandpa started the PPP; the great and venerated martyr Bhutto Sahib. Your mother has also willed that both if you are deputy co-chairs. She was extremely mindful of preserving the family heirloom.

“Also after I am done with the money matters in Switzerland, I have set up appointments with political consultants in London our great and venerated Bhutto Sahib spearheaded his campaign with his undying slogan ‘Roti, Kapra, aur Makan’ … food, clothing and housing. I will discuss ways how we can enhance the effectiveness of this slogan.

“I am thinking of editing the slogan to ‘Roti, Kapra, aur Makan, maang raha hay hurr insaan’ … everybody asks for food, clothing and housing.”

“Dad,” Bakhtawar interrupts her father, “I suggest we make it ‘Roti, Paani, Kapra, aur Makan, maang raha hay hurr insaan’ … everybody asks for food, water, clothing and housing. Like people of Tharparkar have no water, even people of Defense in Karachi even Karachi have no water.

“And so far, our party has done a good job that people continue to ask for food, water, clothing and housing.”

Bilawal seconds his sister, “The day these folks will get food, water, clothing and housing, they will say, ‘Where is Bhutto,’ whereas now they keep saying, ‘Bhutto is Alive, Bhutto is Living’.

Zardari, all loving smiles for his children says, “Indeed, you are heirs to great wisdom … great leadership skills. Certainly, your ideas are fantastic and I will include them in my discussion with our British consultants. But right now the Swiss nest needs caring.”

Only that Pleases our Masters

King Salman bin Abdulaziz, the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, is meeting with his sons, Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman and Prince Khalid Bin Salman, the Saudi ambassador to the U.S, and his nephew, the Saudi ambassador to Britain, Prince Mohammed bin Nawwaf bin Abdulaziz.

The three laud their father and uncle over issuing the decree to establish an authority to scrutinize the uses of the “hadith” — accounts of the sayings, actions or habits of the Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

The King Salman Center in Madinah will monitor interpretations of the hadith to prevent them being used to justify violence, or terrorism, or extremism.
The decree said that the body’s aim would be to “eliminate fake and extremist texts and any texts that contradict the teachings of Islam and justify the committing of crimes, murders and terrorist acts.”
According to the decree, the Council of Senior Scholars drawn from around the world will oversee the body, which will be based in Madinah.

The body would create a solid “scientific reference” to vet and verify the authenticity of hadiths.
The decree said body would be chaired by Sheikh Mohammed bin Hassan Al-Sheikh, a member of the Council of Senior Scholars, which serves as Saudi Arabia’s highest religious body.

Princes Khalid and Mohammad Bin Nawwaf speak out in unison that the nation aims is to please their benefactors, the United States and Britain. Therefore, the Council of Senior Scholars must include a representative of the United States Department of State and the British Foreign Office.

“We need to have on-going vetting by these two offices to prove our sincerity. Without that it would be a hollow exercise, as we won’t get instant accolades from Washington and London,” toned Prince Khalid.

“Indeed, my respected Uncle, I totally agree with Khalid that Washington and London matter and the Council of Senior Scholars can only gain recognition when we have their representatives on board,” added Mohammad Bin Nawwaf.

“Masha Allah … may God bless for your wisdom, I will get this added to my decree forthwith,” declared the King.

Crown Prince Mohammad offering his advice said that we should start by vetting crucial hadith … the vetting of the ones, which would elicit appreciation.

“In my list the first one is that is narrated on the authority Ibn ‘Umar and cited by Abu Dawood (3674) and Ibn Majah (3380) that The Messenger of Allah said: ‘Allah has cursed alcohol, the one who drinks it, the one who pours it, the one who sells it, the one who buys it, the one who squeezes (the grapes etc.), the one for whom it is squeezed, the one who carries it and the one to whom it is carried’.

“You will agree that it is just too far reaching. I mean one can’t own a hotel because they need bars … and of course our Saudia can’t serve drinks on board.”

Khalid interrupts, “And Emirates in serving drinks on board … Jordan and what not! Why us … why Saudia!”

“O Dear Father, if we start with this hadith, we can please so many countries and win their support. Think, especially your friend Abu Ivanka, President Trump who is always desirous of creating jobs in America. Not only Saudia will buy all the beers, wines and whiskies but also our stores will import and sell it,” said the Crown Prince.

He added, “With Saudia getting more passengers, we will not need to give it subsidies that we are giving now! All these savings can be better used by our royal family.”

“Well spoken, Mohammad. This will help us support Theresa May to stay as Prime Minister of Great Britain as she too needs to have jobs for her people. With all our imports of scotch whiskey, she can silence the Scottish breakaway movement. Of course, we don’t want that socialist Jeremy Corbyn as the head of government there,” said Mohammad Bin Nawwaf.

The Crown Prince continued, “Now there is another hadith Narrated by Abu Dawood that needs quick vetting. It says ‘Aa’ishah (radi Allahu ‘anh) said: The riders used to pass by us when we were with the Messenger of Allah in ihraam. When they came near us we would lower our jilbabs from our heads over our faces, and when they had passed by we would uncover our faces.

“We all know that it is such hadith that are holding our women from showing their faces in public. This needs to go. Once again, both Abu Ivanka and Mrs. May would be most pleased because being able to bare their faces, Saudis women would be buy huge amounts of make up, keeping American, British, and European factories busy.

“Another hadith of the quick vetting list is that the Prophet reportedly said, ‘Whoever wears a cloak in this world, Allah will verily cloth him/her with a similar garment on the Day of Resurrection’. Now this is being used against Muslim women wearing bikinis and in many cases the exquisite haute couture gowns that invariably show much skin.

“Certainly both Abu Ivanka and Mrs. Theresa May would like to see the back of it. It is holding back our women from wearing great American, British and European fashions.

“Our women, free to wear bikinis, will enjoy taking vacations the United States, Britain and Europe. All this means more jobs there.”

Prince Khalid offers his wisdom, “O Father, we urgently need to redesign our flag. Right now our flag proclaims: La Ilaha Illa-llahu Muhammadur-Rasoolu-llah. Do you note the problem with it that I note? It binds the Muslim to the article of faith that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah. It challenges our authority as rulers.

“We can’t alter the thinking of our people with this creed! We need a new flag. I would suggest having a rainbow colored flag with an oil derrick in the center. It will convey that yes we have the oil and we are open to all idea.”

The Crown Prince and Mohammed bin Nawwaf say together, “Masha Allah, Khalid has come up with fantastic idea.”

The Crown Prince adds, “In fact, Dear Father we not only need to vet the hadith but also the Quranic verses in consultation with the United States and Britain.”

Mohammed bin Nawwaf, seconding his cousin, adds, “In England, they have King James version of the Bible. In fact, many call it the King James Bible. So we can have King Salman version of the Quran. Better still, the King Salman Quran.”

The King adds his wisdom, “The three of you have spoken most wisely. I will pass these orders immediately. We have to do only that pleases our masters.”

Pakistan Needs a Dealmaker

The news that the U.S. President Donald Trump decided not to meet with Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi in New York at the UN over the pretext of being busy was considered as degrading to Pakistan.

Pakistan Senate Chairman Raza Rabbani issued an angry missive, suggesting if Donald Trump did not have time to meet with our prime minister, then there was no point holding a meeting with vice president Mike Pence.

Rabbani is a Pakistan Peoples Party stalwart, and ChuttPutt TV rushed to interview his party’s co-chair, the former President Asif Ali Zardari.

ChuttPutt TV assigned its star anchor Kushdil Matkawi for the interview.

“Mr. President, you must have heard about Senate Chairman Raza Rabbani’s advice that if Donald Trump did not have time to meet with our prime minister, then there was no point of him holding a meeting with vice president Mike Pence.

“What is your opinion in this matter?

“My friend Kushdil Matkawi how are you supposing that I only heard about Rabbani’s missive to Prime Minister. You should know that no member of our party could even say a word without my approval. Yes, of course, this was improved and approved by me.

“So despite that Shahid Khaqan calls upon Pence. Great job!,” chuckles Zardari.

“My friend Kushdil Matkawi, no one needs to learn from any intelligence reports or Google that Trump only listens to himself. Now what do we get from this much heralded “highest” level contact between Pakistan and America since the policy was announced last month.

“We all know that the new policy is humiliating and disrespectful of our sacrifices in the fight against terrorism, and indifferent to our security concerns. It was being said that this had prompted a re-assessment of Pakistan’s ties with the United States at the highest level.

“Where do you see any re-assessment?

“At least, we can perhaps take comfort that Abbasi did not take out his notes while talking to the American vice-president. You call it a little improvement on Mian Nawaz Sharif.

“But I was hoping better. Shahid Khaqan is not only an engineering graduate of University of California, Los Angeles but also holder of a master’s degree from George Washington University. Yes, I was expecting more than a photo opportunity with Pence.

“My friend Kushdil Matkawi, Pakistan needs a dealmaker, especially when in Trump, America has a dealmaker.

“It is no secret why Modi is Trump’s tight friend like he was Obama’s tight friend. You see all the buying he is doing from America. Did you count the deals done by Saudi Arabia and UAE after they started against Qatar? Do they have the airspace to fly such big jets? No. Simply, Trump likes those who buy American equipment.

“Instead of setting up so many metro buses here and there, we should have been buying American equipment. Yes, America would not sell us jets … F16s or whatever, but we could have purchased private … the American-made corporate aircraft. Mian Nawaz had 47 cabinet members. So here you were talking of at least 75 corporate jets including standby planes. We all know that Imran Khan would have created a fuss over it, but Mian Nawaz Sharif could have purchased these aircraft for provincial ministers in Punjab and Sindh as well.

“I am not Imran Khan! I would have welcomed corporate jets for all of our Sindh cabinet members. It would have been a great asset for us. We would be calling it the Shaheed Bhutto Peoples Air Service!

“Of course, Mian Nawaz Sharif is London oriented. Look at me; I have real estate interests not only in UK, but also America and France and Dubai. If Trump is builder than instead of building metro bus systems or primary schools, buy into his projects.

“Perhaps you are familiar with the trickle down economy so brilliantly practiced by President Reagan. It was simple. All this purchase of corporate jets would have required commissions which have accrued to Mian Nawaz and his ruling group but then what do you do with cash leftover from your kitchen expenses, you invest. And investment creates jobs. This is what is most dear to Trump … creating jobs. If I were there, I would lead all my party people to invest in Trump properties.

“Trump is a dealmaker. Asif Zardari is a dealmaker. Pakistan needs a dealmaker!

Going Against Corruption only Hurts the Nation

Following the buzz after Interior Minister Ahsan Iqbal telling the media in Islamabad on Aug. 26 that the country saw a loss of $14 billion in the aftermath of Joint Investigation Team (JIT) formation and the Panama Leaks verdict, he has called a special chat with the media.

The media event includes a supporting cast of Finance Minister Ishaq Dar, Information Minister Marriyum Aurangzeb, Railways Minister Khawaja Saad Rafique, and Foreign Minister Khawaja Asif, and Defense Minister Khurram Dastgir Khan.

Information Minister Marriyum Aurangzeb initiates the proceedings, “In consultation with our beloved leader, the three times Prime Minister of Pakistan, Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif, we, especially our Interior Minister Mr. Ahsan Iqbal have invited you to settle any doubts about the loss of $14 billion suffered by our country in the aftermath of JIT formation and the Panama Leaks verdict. He will start with the proceedings and we will also join in when see fit.”

“Dear friends of the press, Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, my colleagues and I have been informed about some of the feelings vented about my informing the nation about the huge loss suffered by our country due to Imran Khan’s campaign against the offshore businesses of our leaders,” declared Ahsan Iqbal.

He continued, “It is not a secret that political instability is tantamount to playing with the future of the next generation.

“Rest assured that the government will safeguard national interest at all costs.

“I will reiterate that Pakistan suffered a $14 billion loss over the past three to four months due to adverse political situation, otherwise it was making rapid development.

“I will now let our Finance Minister Mr. Ishaq Dar to dilate on this issue.”

“I am honored. My dear friend Mr. Ahsan Iqbal is himself a very learned person. He attended the Wharton School of Finance at the University of Pennsylvania from where he did MBA. But now that he has asked me, I will add my remarks. You all know that Imran Khan is the leader of the pack trying to disturb the status quo. You will acknowledge that fanning political instability and doing politics for the sake of it will inevitably result in hampering economic development in the country.”

Ahsan Iqbal joins in, “The country needs to unite and move forward beyond ‘dead issues’ like this leak or that leak, Dawn Leaks, Panama Leaks. For instance for Dawn Leaks, the inquiry was completed with the consensus of civil and military leadership and the chapter was closed.”

Khawaja Saad Rafique angrily thumps the table and screams, “And still Imran Khan keeps repeating Dawn Leaks! Isn’t he over 60 years old? You need to check his head.”

Not to be left out, both Khawaja Asif and Khurram Dastgir Khan pound their fists and ask, “And how long will Imran Khan keep shouting Panama Leaks! Even the Supreme Court could not tell our brave leader Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif what wrong he did.”

“And our great leader Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif graciously resigned although he still does not know why he was kicked out,” chimed in Marriyum Aurangzeb.

Ahsan Iqbal stressed that there is need for forging unity among ranks of the nation to send across a message that the nation is united to face any conspiracies.

He added, “You know that political uncertainty has been caused in the wake of the JIT probe into the Panama Papers leaks and the Supreme Court verdict in the case.”

Once again Saad Rafique bangs his fist on the table, and declares, “Before Imran Khan started making all this fuss, no one was talking about corruption and this and that. Even when I was child, I was hearing that one should oil the palms of people, and that a picture of our dear Quaid-i-Azam on a red rectangle … you know the Rupee 100 note, which had some value then, was the way to get things done. The country was going on smoothly.

“Our brave leader Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif in all of his stints as Prime Minister has carried out so much infrastructure work. What else is part of such projects? Yes, there is some due share.

“Even American President Donald Trump is talking about infrastructure. Is anyone mentioning corruption in America?

“Now someone among you in the media … yes, you ARY News … has started this new story the Sharif family has transferred funds received as kickbacks in the construction of Multan Metro Bus project. What else projects need? A kick-start!

“A kickback is same thing as a kick-start.”

Finance Minister Dar adds his wisdom; “Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif inaugurated the Multan Metro Bus project in January this year, which was completed at a cost of over Rs. 28 billion, which is nearly $28 million. It includes 21 bus stations spread over an 18.5 km route, which facilitate around 97,000 commuters daily.

“Just look at the economics of this great public project.

“Now what our friends here, ARY TV is saying that $10.75 million were transferred by the contractor YaBait to China, which is not registered in the China–Pakistan Economic Corridor (CPEC) program. Also that it is not registered with the Securities and Exchange Commission of Pakistan (SECP)

“There also accusations that these funds were transferred to Dubai, Mauritius and other countries. It is being alleged that former SECP chief Zafar Hijazi and advisors Muzaffar Mirza and Khalida Habib refused to share information. Also that Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif and PML-N leader Mushahidullah provided documents to the Chinese firm.

“Isn’t it the reality that Multan has a metro bus service? This wasteful corruption cries hurt the economy … they hurt the country.”

Ahsan Iqbal takes over and stresses, “Before anyone asks how we come up to this $14 billion figure, I will present you simple answers. You know that the cabinet of our respected Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif had 47 ministers, ministers of state, and advisors. Due to the Panama Leaks and JIT drama, at all times, more than half of them had to be at the Supreme Court and the JIT venue. And the other members of the cabinet were going to all TV stations to defend the honor of the nation, the honor of our Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif.

“Now calculate the loss of work, plus what they would have earned as their rightful share. And their earnings would be have been invested overseas, providing jobs in our finance sector.”

Information Minister Marriyum Aurangzeb cuts in with her remark, “And all the millions upon millions my department had to spend on advertising on TV channels about the greatness of our Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif and the service he is doing to the nation. Plus a huge amount had to be spent on advertising against Imran Khan.

“And I am not mentioning the weighty envelopes that were being presented to some of you to further our mission of protecting the honor our Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and his family.

“The downside of going against corruption is crystal clear. You realize that the real culprit is Imran Khan. He keeps crying and shouting like it was his money that was being taken.

“I am going to say through you, my respected people from the media: Imran Khan you are the cause of $14 billion loss. Yes, you Imran Khan. Going against corruption only hurts the nation.”