The Swiss Nest needs Caring

The recent report that the Swiss National Bank (SNB) is calling time on a series of banknotes from 1976, and they will lose value in 2020, has spurred the former Pakistani President Asif Zardari into action.

He has summoned a meeting with his son Bilawal, daughters Bakhtawar and Aseefa, and sisters Fouzia Zardari, Azra Peechoho and Faryal Talpur to discuss the Swiss holdings situation.

Zardari starts the discussion, “I am just surprised at myself that I did not note that Swiss Francs have an expiration date.

“You all will remember that when this chief justice Iftikhar Chaudhury tried to shortchange me after outlawing my and Benazir’s NRO with Pervez Musharraf, how our great lawyer Farooq Naek did not let anyone near our Swiss bank accounts.

“I needn’t tell you that documented money is not the safest. So in addition to that over discussed Swiss account of $70 million, I have safe deposit boxes in a few Swiss banks and of course in other countries. It is good that the vast majority is not familiar with SFr exchange with the Pakistani rupee … 1 SFr equals Rs.107.30.

“I am leaving Geneva this evening and visit all our safe deposit boxes and make sure that we are only keeping bank notes that have long lives.

“Yes, Swiss are very mindful of the interests of money owners because banking is a mainstay but instead of waiting for them to change the limit of exchange, I am making my move now.”

Addressing his three children, he adds that they have the numbers to all these accounts and safes, he adds, “One should never tire from exploring avenues for safekeeping one’s assets.

“Yes, the assets are safe but being in deposit boxes they are not earning dividends. I will also be meeting with Swiss funds experts and lawyers to see how we keep these assets in motion to earn on them.”

His younger daughter Aseefa asks, “What about investing though our offshore companies?”

Her father agrees and advises, “Yes offshores are a great bet but in this age of leaks and hacking, we need to find safe airtight offshores before moving our cash there. This is why I am not tying any of our deposits and boxes to any of our offshore companies.

“Even if we our control over Pakistan doesn’t come in 2018, but our rule in Sind everlasting, Sind is growing our holdings and we will continue this hold.”

His older daughter Bakhtawar chimes in “God bless our grandpa, Shaheed Bhutto and our mother that the Sindhis are keeping us comfortable.”

Her father raises his hands in prayer and declares, “God bless them, they are more than gold mines for us.”

With a wink and smile, he quips, “But what about your Dad who produced your mother’s will?”

“Dad, why can’t we get that part of the will etched in gold?” she asks.

“Bakhtawar and Aseefa before that I have to reveal the full will. Your grandpa started the PPP; the great and venerated martyr Bhutto Sahib. Your mother has also willed that both if you are deputy co-chairs. She was extremely mindful of preserving the family heirloom.

“Also after I am done with the money matters in Switzerland, I have set up appointments with political consultants in London our great and venerated Bhutto Sahib spearheaded his campaign with his undying slogan ‘Roti, Kapra, aur Makan’ … food, clothing and housing. I will discuss ways how we can enhance the effectiveness of this slogan.

“I am thinking of editing the slogan to ‘Roti, Kapra, aur Makan, maang raha hay hurr insaan’ … everybody asks for food, clothing and housing.”

“Dad,” Bakhtawar interrupts her father, “I suggest we make it ‘Roti, Paani, Kapra, aur Makan, maang raha hay hurr insaan’ … everybody asks for food, water, clothing and housing. Like people of Tharparkar have no water, even people of Defense in Karachi even Karachi have no water.

“And so far, our party has done a good job that people continue to ask for food, water, clothing and housing.”

Bilawal seconds his sister, “The day these folks will get food, water, clothing and housing, they will say, ‘Where is Bhutto,’ whereas now they keep saying, ‘Bhutto is Alive, Bhutto is Living’.

Zardari, all loving smiles for his children says, “Indeed, you are heirs to great wisdom … great leadership skills. Certainly, your ideas are fantastic and I will include them in my discussion with our British consultants. But right now the Swiss nest needs caring.”


Only that Pleases our Masters

King Salman bin Abdulaziz, the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, is meeting with his sons, Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman and Prince Khalid Bin Salman, the Saudi ambassador to the U.S, and his nephew, the Saudi ambassador to Britain, Prince Mohammed bin Nawwaf bin Abdulaziz.

The three laud their father and uncle over issuing the decree to establish an authority to scrutinize the uses of the “hadith” — accounts of the sayings, actions or habits of the Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

The King Salman Center in Madinah will monitor interpretations of the hadith to prevent them being used to justify violence, or terrorism, or extremism.
The decree said that the body’s aim would be to “eliminate fake and extremist texts and any texts that contradict the teachings of Islam and justify the committing of crimes, murders and terrorist acts.”
According to the decree, the Council of Senior Scholars drawn from around the world will oversee the body, which will be based in Madinah.

The body would create a solid “scientific reference” to vet and verify the authenticity of hadiths.
The decree said body would be chaired by Sheikh Mohammed bin Hassan Al-Sheikh, a member of the Council of Senior Scholars, which serves as Saudi Arabia’s highest religious body.

Princes Khalid and Mohammad Bin Nawwaf speak out in unison that the nation aims is to please their benefactors, the United States and Britain. Therefore, the Council of Senior Scholars must include a representative of the United States Department of State and the British Foreign Office.

“We need to have on-going vetting by these two offices to prove our sincerity. Without that it would be a hollow exercise, as we won’t get instant accolades from Washington and London,” toned Prince Khalid.

“Indeed, my respected Uncle, I totally agree with Khalid that Washington and London matter and the Council of Senior Scholars can only gain recognition when we have their representatives on board,” added Mohammad Bin Nawwaf.

“Masha Allah … may God bless for your wisdom, I will get this added to my decree forthwith,” declared the King.

Crown Prince Mohammad offering his advice said that we should start by vetting crucial hadith … the vetting of the ones, which would elicit appreciation.

“In my list the first one is that is narrated on the authority Ibn ‘Umar and cited by Abu Dawood (3674) and Ibn Majah (3380) that The Messenger of Allah said: ‘Allah has cursed alcohol, the one who drinks it, the one who pours it, the one who sells it, the one who buys it, the one who squeezes (the grapes etc.), the one for whom it is squeezed, the one who carries it and the one to whom it is carried’.

“You will agree that it is just too far reaching. I mean one can’t own a hotel because they need bars … and of course our Saudia can’t serve drinks on board.”

Khalid interrupts, “And Emirates in serving drinks on board … Jordan and what not! Why us … why Saudia!”

“O Dear Father, if we start with this hadith, we can please so many countries and win their support. Think, especially your friend Abu Ivanka, President Trump who is always desirous of creating jobs in America. Not only Saudia will buy all the beers, wines and whiskies but also our stores will import and sell it,” said the Crown Prince.

He added, “With Saudia getting more passengers, we will not need to give it subsidies that we are giving now! All these savings can be better used by our royal family.”

“Well spoken, Mohammad. This will help us support Theresa May to stay as Prime Minister of Great Britain as she too needs to have jobs for her people. With all our imports of scotch whiskey, she can silence the Scottish breakaway movement. Of course, we don’t want that socialist Jeremy Corbyn as the head of government there,” said Mohammad Bin Nawwaf.

The Crown Prince continued, “Now there is another hadith Narrated by Abu Dawood that needs quick vetting. It says ‘Aa’ishah (radi Allahu ‘anh) said: The riders used to pass by us when we were with the Messenger of Allah in ihraam. When they came near us we would lower our jilbabs from our heads over our faces, and when they had passed by we would uncover our faces.

“We all know that it is such hadith that are holding our women from showing their faces in public. This needs to go. Once again, both Abu Ivanka and Mrs. May would be most pleased because being able to bare their faces, Saudis women would be buy huge amounts of make up, keeping American, British, and European factories busy.

“Another hadith of the quick vetting list is that the Prophet reportedly said, ‘Whoever wears a cloak in this world, Allah will verily cloth him/her with a similar garment on the Day of Resurrection’. Now this is being used against Muslim women wearing bikinis and in many cases the exquisite haute couture gowns that invariably show much skin.

“Certainly both Abu Ivanka and Mrs. Theresa May would like to see the back of it. It is holding back our women from wearing great American, British and European fashions.

“Our women, free to wear bikinis, will enjoy taking vacations the United States, Britain and Europe. All this means more jobs there.”

Prince Khalid offers his wisdom, “O Father, we urgently need to redesign our flag. Right now our flag proclaims: La Ilaha Illa-llahu Muhammadur-Rasoolu-llah. Do you note the problem with it that I note? It binds the Muslim to the article of faith that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah. It challenges our authority as rulers.

“We can’t alter the thinking of our people with this creed! We need a new flag. I would suggest having a rainbow colored flag with an oil derrick in the center. It will convey that yes we have the oil and we are open to all idea.”

The Crown Prince and Mohammed bin Nawwaf say together, “Masha Allah, Khalid has come up with fantastic idea.”

The Crown Prince adds, “In fact, Dear Father we not only need to vet the hadith but also the Quranic verses in consultation with the United States and Britain.”

Mohammed bin Nawwaf, seconding his cousin, adds, “In England, they have King James version of the Bible. In fact, many call it the King James Bible. So we can have King Salman version of the Quran. Better still, the King Salman Quran.”

The King adds his wisdom, “The three of you have spoken most wisely. I will pass these orders immediately. We have to do only that pleases our masters.”

Pakistan Needs a Dealmaker

The news that the U.S. President Donald Trump decided not to meet with Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi in New York at the UN over the pretext of being busy was considered as degrading to Pakistan.

Pakistan Senate Chairman Raza Rabbani issued an angry missive, suggesting if Donald Trump did not have time to meet with our prime minister, then there was no point holding a meeting with vice president Mike Pence.

Rabbani is a Pakistan Peoples Party stalwart, and ChuttPutt TV rushed to interview his party’s co-chair, the former President Asif Ali Zardari.

ChuttPutt TV assigned its star anchor Kushdil Matkawi for the interview.

“Mr. President, you must have heard about Senate Chairman Raza Rabbani’s advice that if Donald Trump did not have time to meet with our prime minister, then there was no point of him holding a meeting with vice president Mike Pence.

“What is your opinion in this matter?

“My friend Kushdil Matkawi how are you supposing that I only heard about Rabbani’s missive to Prime Minister. You should know that no member of our party could even say a word without my approval. Yes, of course, this was improved and approved by me.

“So despite that Shahid Khaqan calls upon Pence. Great job!,” chuckles Zardari.

“My friend Kushdil Matkawi, no one needs to learn from any intelligence reports or Google that Trump only listens to himself. Now what do we get from this much heralded “highest” level contact between Pakistan and America since the policy was announced last month.

“We all know that the new policy is humiliating and disrespectful of our sacrifices in the fight against terrorism, and indifferent to our security concerns. It was being said that this had prompted a re-assessment of Pakistan’s ties with the United States at the highest level.

“Where do you see any re-assessment?

“At least, we can perhaps take comfort that Abbasi did not take out his notes while talking to the American vice-president. You call it a little improvement on Mian Nawaz Sharif.

“But I was hoping better. Shahid Khaqan is not only an engineering graduate of University of California, Los Angeles but also holder of a master’s degree from George Washington University. Yes, I was expecting more than a photo opportunity with Pence.

“My friend Kushdil Matkawi, Pakistan needs a dealmaker, especially when in Trump, America has a dealmaker.

“It is no secret why Modi is Trump’s tight friend like he was Obama’s tight friend. You see all the buying he is doing from America. Did you count the deals done by Saudi Arabia and UAE after they started against Qatar? Do they have the airspace to fly such big jets? No. Simply, Trump likes those who buy American equipment.

“Instead of setting up so many metro buses here and there, we should have been buying American equipment. Yes, America would not sell us jets … F16s or whatever, but we could have purchased private … the American-made corporate aircraft. Mian Nawaz had 47 cabinet members. So here you were talking of at least 75 corporate jets including standby planes. We all know that Imran Khan would have created a fuss over it, but Mian Nawaz Sharif could have purchased these aircraft for provincial ministers in Punjab and Sindh as well.

“I am not Imran Khan! I would have welcomed corporate jets for all of our Sindh cabinet members. It would have been a great asset for us. We would be calling it the Shaheed Bhutto Peoples Air Service!

“Of course, Mian Nawaz Sharif is London oriented. Look at me; I have real estate interests not only in UK, but also America and France and Dubai. If Trump is builder than instead of building metro bus systems or primary schools, buy into his projects.

“Perhaps you are familiar with the trickle down economy so brilliantly practiced by President Reagan. It was simple. All this purchase of corporate jets would have required commissions which have accrued to Mian Nawaz and his ruling group but then what do you do with cash leftover from your kitchen expenses, you invest. And investment creates jobs. This is what is most dear to Trump … creating jobs. If I were there, I would lead all my party people to invest in Trump properties.

“Trump is a dealmaker. Asif Zardari is a dealmaker. Pakistan needs a dealmaker!

Going Against Corruption only Hurts the Nation

Following the buzz after Interior Minister Ahsan Iqbal telling the media in Islamabad on Aug. 26 that the country saw a loss of $14 billion in the aftermath of Joint Investigation Team (JIT) formation and the Panama Leaks verdict, he has called a special chat with the media.

The media event includes a supporting cast of Finance Minister Ishaq Dar, Information Minister Marriyum Aurangzeb, Railways Minister Khawaja Saad Rafique, and Foreign Minister Khawaja Asif, and Defense Minister Khurram Dastgir Khan.

Information Minister Marriyum Aurangzeb initiates the proceedings, “In consultation with our beloved leader, the three times Prime Minister of Pakistan, Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif, we, especially our Interior Minister Mr. Ahsan Iqbal have invited you to settle any doubts about the loss of $14 billion suffered by our country in the aftermath of JIT formation and the Panama Leaks verdict. He will start with the proceedings and we will also join in when see fit.”

“Dear friends of the press, Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, my colleagues and I have been informed about some of the feelings vented about my informing the nation about the huge loss suffered by our country due to Imran Khan’s campaign against the offshore businesses of our leaders,” declared Ahsan Iqbal.

He continued, “It is not a secret that political instability is tantamount to playing with the future of the next generation.

“Rest assured that the government will safeguard national interest at all costs.

“I will reiterate that Pakistan suffered a $14 billion loss over the past three to four months due to adverse political situation, otherwise it was making rapid development.

“I will now let our Finance Minister Mr. Ishaq Dar to dilate on this issue.”

“I am honored. My dear friend Mr. Ahsan Iqbal is himself a very learned person. He attended the Wharton School of Finance at the University of Pennsylvania from where he did MBA. But now that he has asked me, I will add my remarks. You all know that Imran Khan is the leader of the pack trying to disturb the status quo. You will acknowledge that fanning political instability and doing politics for the sake of it will inevitably result in hampering economic development in the country.”

Ahsan Iqbal joins in, “The country needs to unite and move forward beyond ‘dead issues’ like this leak or that leak, Dawn Leaks, Panama Leaks. For instance for Dawn Leaks, the inquiry was completed with the consensus of civil and military leadership and the chapter was closed.”

Khawaja Saad Rafique angrily thumps the table and screams, “And still Imran Khan keeps repeating Dawn Leaks! Isn’t he over 60 years old? You need to check his head.”

Not to be left out, both Khawaja Asif and Khurram Dastgir Khan pound their fists and ask, “And how long will Imran Khan keep shouting Panama Leaks! Even the Supreme Court could not tell our brave leader Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif what wrong he did.”

“And our great leader Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif graciously resigned although he still does not know why he was kicked out,” chimed in Marriyum Aurangzeb.

Ahsan Iqbal stressed that there is need for forging unity among ranks of the nation to send across a message that the nation is united to face any conspiracies.

He added, “You know that political uncertainty has been caused in the wake of the JIT probe into the Panama Papers leaks and the Supreme Court verdict in the case.”

Once again Saad Rafique bangs his fist on the table, and declares, “Before Imran Khan started making all this fuss, no one was talking about corruption and this and that. Even when I was child, I was hearing that one should oil the palms of people, and that a picture of our dear Quaid-i-Azam on a red rectangle … you know the Rupee 100 note, which had some value then, was the way to get things done. The country was going on smoothly.

“Our brave leader Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif in all of his stints as Prime Minister has carried out so much infrastructure work. What else is part of such projects? Yes, there is some due share.

“Even American President Donald Trump is talking about infrastructure. Is anyone mentioning corruption in America?

“Now someone among you in the media … yes, you ARY News … has started this new story the Sharif family has transferred funds received as kickbacks in the construction of Multan Metro Bus project. What else projects need? A kick-start!

“A kickback is same thing as a kick-start.”

Finance Minister Dar adds his wisdom; “Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif inaugurated the Multan Metro Bus project in January this year, which was completed at a cost of over Rs. 28 billion, which is nearly $28 million. It includes 21 bus stations spread over an 18.5 km route, which facilitate around 97,000 commuters daily.

“Just look at the economics of this great public project.

“Now what our friends here, ARY TV is saying that $10.75 million were transferred by the contractor YaBait to China, which is not registered in the China–Pakistan Economic Corridor (CPEC) program. Also that it is not registered with the Securities and Exchange Commission of Pakistan (SECP)

“There also accusations that these funds were transferred to Dubai, Mauritius and other countries. It is being alleged that former SECP chief Zafar Hijazi and advisors Muzaffar Mirza and Khalida Habib refused to share information. Also that Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif and PML-N leader Mushahidullah provided documents to the Chinese firm.

“Isn’t it the reality that Multan has a metro bus service? This wasteful corruption cries hurt the economy … they hurt the country.”

Ahsan Iqbal takes over and stresses, “Before anyone asks how we come up to this $14 billion figure, I will present you simple answers. You know that the cabinet of our respected Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif had 47 ministers, ministers of state, and advisors. Due to the Panama Leaks and JIT drama, at all times, more than half of them had to be at the Supreme Court and the JIT venue. And the other members of the cabinet were going to all TV stations to defend the honor of the nation, the honor of our Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif.

“Now calculate the loss of work, plus what they would have earned as their rightful share. And their earnings would be have been invested overseas, providing jobs in our finance sector.”

Information Minister Marriyum Aurangzeb cuts in with her remark, “And all the millions upon millions my department had to spend on advertising on TV channels about the greatness of our Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif and the service he is doing to the nation. Plus a huge amount had to be spent on advertising against Imran Khan.

“And I am not mentioning the weighty envelopes that were being presented to some of you to further our mission of protecting the honor our Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and his family.

“The downside of going against corruption is crystal clear. You realize that the real culprit is Imran Khan. He keeps crying and shouting like it was his money that was being taken.

“I am going to say through you, my respected people from the media: Imran Khan you are the cause of $14 billion loss. Yes, you Imran Khan. Going against corruption only hurts the nation.”

Take It America!

In the aftermath of President Trump’s speech of August 21 accusing Pakistan of aiding and abetting terrorism, Foreign Minister Khawaja Asif has taken his cabinet colleagues Federal Minister for Railways Khawaja Saad Rafique and federal minister for privatization Daniyal Aziz to meet with Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi.

Saad Rafique true to his form opens the discussion, “Sir, Prime Minister Sahib, you must have seen our great man, Khawaja Asif’s response to Trump’s utterly disgusting speech.

“Certainly, you made the right choice to have Khawaja Asif as the Foreign Minister of Pakistan. So Trump thinks that only he can tweet. See what great tweet our Khawaja Asif has done.

“I mean, Imran Khan is always showing off about his playing days when he placed the ball on the right spot. If anyone can do the right moves, it is our Khawaja Asif. See how he took care of the Haqqani issue. He drew the attention of Asif Zardari that instead of criticizing our government, he should rein in Hussain Haqqani because this person who was Zardari’s ambassador to the U.S. is taking credit of authoring the American policy that Trump announced.”

Khawaja Asif interrupted his cabinet colleague, “One needs to put things in the right perspective. The U.S. is always blaming Pakistan for harboring the Haqqani network, whom they have placed on their terror list.

“I mean since 2001, this Haqqani … Haqqani song has being going on from America.”

Danyal Aziz basking in the euphoria of his much delayed cabinet plum, adds, “They have the real Haqqani and they keep blaming us.

“They even made him Senior Fellow and Director for South and Central Asia at Hudson Institute!”

“Yes, Mr. Prime Minister. This is what I am saying that this Haqqani … Haqqani song keep playing when they are the one who are pampering Hussain Haqqani,” repeated Khawaja Asif.

The Prime Minister pauses and adds, “See despite all this, Trump is telling us that ‘We can no longer be silent about Pakistan’s safe havens for terrorist organizations.’ So as our foreign minister, you did the right thing and asked them about Hussain Haqqani enjoying American perks in Washington, D.C.

“And the connection of Zardari is clear enough. What about Trump? Didn’t he invite Zardari to his inauguration?

“I tell you the Zardari connection is deep. When Biden was Vice President, he had dinner with Zardari in Virginia.

“You are right. This Haqqani and Zardari connection is a reality. It was your duty as foreign minister to lay it out clearly.”

Khawaja Asif, Saad Rafique and Daniyal Aziz attempt to speak at the same time but Khawaja Asif gets his words through, “It is time that we say ‘Take It America!’”

Saad Rafique adds his bit, “I mean we are talking about the Haqqani issue and CNN airs its interview with Imran Khan.

“It is simply outrageous. Our embassy in Washington should let CNN know.

“And this Gori of CNN … I mean Hala Gorani … was constantly dropping in the prime minister word for Imran Khan to pick. No doubt, President Trump calls CNN as ‘Fake News CNN’. This woman was trying plant the idea of prime minister in Imran Khan’s already confused mind.

“Thank God the PTV is under government control and did not telecast the live debate on foreign policy because every word from Imran Khan was incendiary … absolutely!

“Now, what else you can expect from Imran Khan. He told CNN that that Pakistan could survive without any aid from America.

“Really! Without aid! Imagine who will enter politics when they know there is no aid money coming to dip their hands into.

“I mean Trump is asking change from Pakistan. But did he say that we change so much that we don’t ask for aid.

“Mr. Prime Minister your father was in the air force, but even Khawaja Asif and Daniyal Aziz would remember that milk powder used to come in American aid, and every body would try to get that milk. Where else you could find American milk in Pakistan.

“Our nation has been raised on American wheat and American milk, and Imran Khan is telling CNN that Pakistan could survive without any aid from America.

“I think Mr. Prime Minister that now our Khawaja Asif has initiated the Haqqani discussion, our foreign office should issue a statement asking them to rein in the Haqqani in Washington before asking us to rein in Haqqani wherever he is in Afghanistan.

“It should be a fair deal!”

Khawaja Asif interjects, “Yes, Mr. Prime Minister, I will get this statement issued keeping in mind the American TV news cycle timings so the all Americans should know that Pakistan has said, ‘Take it America!’”

Planning is the Word

Punjab Chief Minister and Pakistan’s Prime Minister-to-be Shahbaz Sharif arrives at the Punjab House in Islamabad to meet with the “seat-warmer”, the interim prime minister being brought in for 45 days, Shahid Khaqan Abbasi.

He is accompanied by Dr. Amra Raza, Chairperson of the Department of English Language and Literature, at the University of the Punjab.

Also in attendance are Foreign Secretary Tehmina Janjua and Chief of Protocol Sahebzada Ahmed Khan.

“Abbasi Sahib … Shahid Khaqan Abbasi you can understand how much confidence our Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif has in you. He has handed you this family heirloom for safekeeping – the ruling of Pakistan. The entire Sharif family has great trust in you,” stressed Mian Shahbaz Sharif.

He continued, “Our Prime Minister Mian Sahib could have bestowed the office upon my son, Hamza. But you know kids. Who knows that after 45 days, when I came, he would have asked, ‘Abba so soon!’

“Mian Sahib, could have assigned the office to Abid Sher Ali, son of his wife Kalsoom’s sister. But again you know sometimes dealing with in-laws and that too young people like Abid, is sensitive.

Bhaijan, Mian Nawaz is a man of great wisdom. He knows that you will use these six weeks to advance the glory of the Sharif family.

“Abbasi Sahib, the other day, you made this very intelligent observation that there is no harm in possessing an iqama; it’s just a visa. Yes. But why didn’t you share this point with Bhaijan’s lawyers?

“I know some people have to find faults. Now of all people this Peoples Party is making noise. This Senator Sherry Rehman is saying that there’s no such thing as an Interim Prime Minister in our Constitution. She is saying that caretaker is different, which is before polls only. Uff, my God, Peoples Party and Constitution!

“So. Who cares!

“Now all of you know me well. I am a person of planning. See how well I have planned the sewage and floodwater system in Lahore. Every time there is heavy rainfall, I am there wading in the water in my Wellington boots that I always buy from Harrods when I am in London, and my Panama hat. I don’t know why Imran Khan took umbrage over Panama. It is but a hat inventing country!

“And see how I get extensive media coverage when I reach out to flood stricken in our cities. All this increases my public support. I can win any election by a landslide!

“Yes, about planning. The first person that I would have picked for my cabinet would have been Ahsan Iqbal who was the choice of my Bhaijan for minister of planning. But now Imran Khan is making noise about his work visa … his Iqama in the Middle East.

“You may also be hearing the tattling that why my son, Hamza is being brought in as Chief Minister of Punjab. They are talking about things like experience. Uff, haven’t they see he is always traveling with 21 to 22 car protocols. What experience. Abbasi Sahib, you are familiar with the famous Urdu saying qazi kay ghar kay chhoayy bhi siya-nay hotay hain … even the mice that dwell in a judge’s house are smart. I mean real judges, and not like the five judges who gave this verdict against Bhaijan. Hamza has been born with ruling genes!

“At least for Punjab, this Sherry Rehman cannot raise the constitution issue over the interim chief minister. There is no constitution for provinces! Hear that Sherry!

“I have only six weeks to prepare to hold the chair for Bhaijan when he becomes Prime Minister, the fourth time in 2018!

“I know it is a problem created by the Americans that the wife of head of government is called First Lady. Everyone here agrees that I have still one more to go. Of the four allowed, I have just three wives. Now the problem will arise how do you call three different ladies, First Lady?

This is why, I have brought with me from Lahore, Dr. Amra Raza, Chairperson of the Department of English Language and Literature, at the University of the Punjab, who can enlighten about English language usage.

“Also, we have with us our Foreign Secretary Tehmina Janjua and Chief of Protocol Sahebzada Ahmed Khan. I am sure that especially Sahebzada Sahib being chief of protocol can enlighten us about this best.

“Madam Janjua, I hope that you understand the problem. For you it is simple. You are married to just one person, Syed Mansur Raza and he serves as first spouse when go to international meetings.

“Dr. Amra Raza, I am appointing you as the chair of the First Ladies Appropriate Nomenclature Committee. You can draw on any needed personnel assets in the public or private sectors, and please do send me the budgetary requirements for this committee.

“Now that we are discussing the title of more than one lady being the First Ladies, I have also been thinking about the need for a bigger plane for the Prime Minister. It should be something that can nicely accommodate three master bedrooms, with their own sitting areas. You can’t have one first lady in first class, and the two in coach class. You can’t have three wives with a husband in a row seating arrangement!

“Abbasi Sahib, you own AirBlue and have successfully run PIA into the ground, you can get the right jet ordered before I arrive.

“As I said that I am a planning person. I see an opportunity in our team’s June winning of Champions Trophy. Abbasi Sahib, you get the ball rolling with Najam Sethi and the Pakistan Cricket Board to educate Pakistanis that Champions Trophy is far weightier than World Cup. Crystal versus metals! Everyone should understand the difference between a trophy and a cup. It is matter of understanding simple English. People need to be reminded that Imran Khan merely won a cup but in June, Pakistan won a trophy.

“Talking about our Champions Trophy, I am reminded how our captain Sarfaraz had difficulty answering questions in English.

“Also, I have heard much about our sports people going overseas are not cultured enough. Not only they can’t speak English but also they can’t use western style bathrooms or even use western utensils … like eating with forks and knives.

“I have been told that in the United States cultured butter is a big rage. This is why these Americans are so cultured! In the first executive order that I will sign as Prime Minister, I will make cultured butter as a compulsory part of sports peoples’ diets. We need to send cultured sports people abroad. We can even take a World Bank loan to import this cultured butter from USA.

“What if we can’t have Ahsan Iqbal but remember that planning is the word!”

Never Trust an Aitchisonian

Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, who had served as the petroleum minister under Nawaz Sharif, has arrived in Punjab House to get his instructions to temporarily hold the position of Prime Minister of Pakistan.

Present at the meeting are the eventual officeholder, little brother, Shehbaz Sharif, 65, who is the currently chief minister of Punjab province, the home base of the Sharifs.

Present are the ousted prime minister, the prime minister-in-waiting, Kalsoom Nawaz, the ousted prime minister’s attorney general Ashtar Ausaf Ali – who is drafting the Sharif family’s agreement with Abbasi.

Also present are First Daughter Maryam Nawaz [Safdar], and sons Hussain and Hasan Nawaz.

“Abbasi Sahib, after due consultation with my family, I have selected you because under Yousaf Raza Gillani, in 2008, you have the experience of losing your cabinet position when the Supreme Court ousted him as Prime Minister.

“I have decided to appoint you to this post especially after you were recommended by Kalsoom, the mother of Maryam, Hussain, Hasan, and Asma.

“I have invited our friend attorney general Ashtar Ausaf Ali to draft the agreement that you will be signing today.

“You have served as Chairman of Pakistan International Airlines from 1997 to 1999 during my second ministry. Later, you successfully started Airblue. So you have experience of running a publicly owned corporation into the ground and successfully running your own company.

“You have served as Minister for Commerce and  Defense Production in the Gillani Sahib’s ministry, so are aware of the challenges of business people, especially when people are always shouting ‘corruption, corruption’ at them.

“What a great man in Gillani Sahib! It is remarkable how he recognized the value of the necklace that Emine, wife President Erdoğan donated for flood victims. Did they need it? It was rightly more befitting of his wife, our sister Fauzia.

“It is your experience Abbasi Sahib that endears me to you. You have been with the PPP and enjoy good ties with my brother Asif Zardari. Both, President Zardari and we share the ideal that rule should remain in the family.

“In this agreement, we are saying that you will call a press conference and announce your resignation as prime minister immediately after results for constituency 120 of the National Assembly appear on TV screens. And as soon as the Chief Election Commissioner announces the official result, you will convene another press conference and hand over authority to Sahabaz Sahib.

“It has been agreed by our family that I will be our party’s candidate for Prime Minister in 2018. Similarly, Shahbaz Sahib will contest for both the National and Punjab Assembly seats in 2018. And as soon as the results are announced, he will vacate his post and I will return as the first person to be Prime Minister the fourth time.

“It is agreed between us that during this period of of warming the seat for Shahbaz Sahib, you will only take any action whatsoever with mine and Shahbaz Sahib’s permission.

“It is also agreed that you will appoint my girl Maryam as your special assistant for foreign affairs in which capacity she will function as foreign minister. I want her to gain these credentials before I return in 2018 and appoint her as full time foreign minister.

“We are also agreeing that taking inspiration from your earlier prime minister, Gillani Sahib, you will defy any court, including the Supreme Court if they advise of any action against me or our family. Indeed, the hero Gillani Sahib refused to accept Supreme Court’s orders to reopen the Swiss bribery case against my brother Asif Zardari. He sacrificed his post for our brother Zardari Sahib.

“It is agreed that during your tenure you will not lay any foundation stones, or perform any opening ceremonies, or announce any projects whatsoever. Such actions are the exclusive prerogative of the Sharif family.

“It is also agreed that in case you are required to deliver any speeches or issue any statements, you will start with a preamble that you are guided by the wisdom and brilliance Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif and the Sharif family.

“Someone was suggesting that this agreement should be kept in safe deposit box of Shahbaz Sahib’s wife, but then my daughter Maryam rightly said that how can we know that which of Uncle Shahbaz’s three wives is keeping this document.

“So I am listening to Kalsoom, who we all know, is the wisest among us all. She said that she it will be kept in her safe deposit box. She rightly pointed out that God knows how much time Shahbaz Sahib’s three wives will take to decide about whose safe deposit box should hold this document.

“Abbasi Sahib, the entire world acknowledges that Kalsoom knows enforcement. After all she is the granddaughter of our greatest wrestler Gama Pehalwan.”

Kalsoom interjects, “Abbasi Sahib, you know Mian Sahib loves to boast. He is always boasting that no one should underestimate him because he used to bat against Imran Khan without wearing a helmet when he was at the height of his bowling career. Now, this is what his cricketing partner has done to him. And I used to remind him never trust an Aitchosonian.

“Even when I was in 11th and 12th grade in Islamia College for Women, all the girls used to say that never trust an Aitchisonian because they are always running after Kinnaird College girls.

“Now he was telling me that Chaudhury Nisar Ali Khan is saying that he will be the best Prime Minister.

“I told him that what if Nisar Ali Khan does not hand back the prime ministership to Shahbaz Sahib. And instead, he hands over the chair to Imran Khan. I had to remind Mian Sahib about Imran Khan’s speech in the National Assembly where he said that Nisar Ali Khan is his best friend, who even came to receive him at Lahore airport when he brought World Cricket Cup home in 1992. You know that both are Aitchisonians.

“I am saying again: never trust an Aitchisonian.