Pakistan is Ours and the Pie we Can Feast Upon

In consultation with the 4-starer – whose hallowed name cannot be mentioned – Shehbaz Sharif has constituted the Committee for Thought and Conscience Control. The conscience part was added at the suggestion of Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) chairman, Asif Zardari who believes in leaving nothing to chance.

The 4-starter is represented by a 3-starer and a 2-starer. The PPP is represented by Sherry Rehman, and Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz is represented law minister Nazir Tarrar, defense minister Khawaja Asif, while minister for information and broadcasting Marriyum Aurangzeb serves as chair.

Under discussion is the report that a state-imposed social media blackout to quell massive protests around the arrest of Pakistan’s former prime minister Imran Khan has instead fueled momentum for him.
The 2-starer angrily points out that the controls and bans failed and need tightening up as Imran Khan’s supporters quickly found workarounds, leaving social media awash with calls for protest.
“The move was a ‘crass miscalculation’ by us, and will only work against us.”
Aurangzeb, at her servile best, assures, that the Committee for Thought and Conscience Control will create foolproof controls.

“We are sending teams to China and North Korea… There’s more to come, including control on social media based on the Chinese and North Korean models… in fact a combination of both.    

“PEMRA Amendment Bill 2023 that was presented in the National Assembly had some goodies for the journalists who came out smiling out of the house. True to their nature they overlooked the bombs we exploded.”

Khawaja Asif add a quip in flash, “The lifafa culture we have nurtured always bears fruit.”

Sherry Rehman expressing her endorsement offers, “The definition of ‘disinformation’ in our PEMRA Amendment Act gives us the tools to control and censor information.”

The 3-starer heartily agrees, “The bloody civilians can’t be left to think on their own. The bloody conscience thing too is covered.”

Sherry Rehman, not to be stranded with praising Zardari, informs, “the conscience aspect was added on the behest of our learned chairman, President Asif Ali Zardari.”

Humayun adds, “The formation of this committee is a vital move. As we know that internet and social media use has exploded in Pakistan in recent years, fueled by the widespread availability of cheap smartphones.

“Mobile broadband subscribers jumped from 56 million in 2018 to 116 million in 2022 — around half of the country.”

The 2-starer waves his finger and adds, “But the young, tech-savvy citizenry has adapted quickly, using Virtual Private Networks (VPNs) to disguise their locations and skirt restrictions.
“Despite the ban, Twitter was still very active in the country because people had their VPNs ready.
“So what are you doing about it? These bloody civilians keep finding cracks to work their way out. But China, Russia, Belarus, Iraq, and North Korea ban VPNs. If you have overlooked it, ask the teams going to China and North Korea how to shut off VPNs.”

Humayun quickly offers, Yes Sir. This will be added to their briefs.

“Of course we will decide whether the news is authentic or not. We will issue a certificate of certified news on a case-by-case basis.

“All journalists will be required to obtain a certificate of positive and purposeful journalism every time in the presence of higher officials.”

The 2-starer endorses, “Nothing can be left to chance with these bloody civilians.

“I heard some mumbling that some people want to present a draft that, they claim, has been appreciated and passed by all local and international organizations with knowledge of journalism and human rights.

“These bloody civilians need to be reminded and forcefully that it is Pakistan first. We draw the rules that we desire.

“Some mumbling is also heard about fundamental right to freedom of expression guaranteed in the Constitution of Pakistan.”

Everyone guffaws and raises their teacups, “… guaranteed in the Constitution of Pakistan. And pray who dares tell us what is guaranteed or not.”

Law minister Nazir Tarrar assures, “With our dear and near Ishaq Dar becoming the interim prime minister, we are assured that the system will continue. Pakistan is ours and the pie we can feast upon….

The 3-starer hastily add, … “without interference from the bloody civilians.”

The New Zamindar and Wadera Carries a Swagger Stick

Those whose hallowed names can’t be mentioned are in a huddle. Laying before them is the Express Tribune report that the Election Commission of Pakistan (ECP) report released on July 17 states that the highest number of voters remained within the 26 to 35 years age group.

A three-starer exclaims, “Boys and girls as old as lieutenants and captains are leading numbers to determine the country’s rulers.

“And the report has also revealed the number of registered voters in the country had reached over 126 million, as of June 30, 2023.”

Another three-starer deeply puffs on his cigarette and offers, “At least, this Shehbaz Sharif had the sense to listen and stick to holding elections based on the 2017 census.

“I recall someone mentioning in one of his past speeches, Imran [Khan] had mentioned a huge young population will vote in the 2017 general elections and PTI needs them. The new ECP report makes more sense that he was wisely swept away… more youth, more Imran …”

Yet another three starer adds, “Why we never detected that Imran was aspiring to be another Erdoğan and put us under his thumb. You all must be remembering the horror… bloody civilians resisting and overpowering the mighty Turkish army!”

The cigarette puffing three starer offered, “Everyone calm down. God bless, our people are not Turks. Look the way they are calmly accepting the rising prices and dancing with joy as the IMF gives loans… no one bloody thinks that they must repay it.”

A three starer, caressing his mustache, whispered, “We all owe it to [Gen.] Bajwa to get this copycat Erdogan out in time.”

The four starer signals a halt to the conversation, “Lets move to the positive happenings. We got these bloody civilians to sign off the agriculture sector to us.”

The mustached three starer, not to miss a beat in servility, purrs, “Sir, you made them do the right thing. We make the Nurpur butter, we make Dostea tea creamer, the Noon Group foods line we acquired, and our Fauji cereals, so we should produce what goes into them.”

The cigarette puffing three starer doing a thumbs up, offers, “This Lahore High Court Justice Ali Baqar Najafi had the sense to suspended the single bench’s earlier order that barred the transfer of the state lands to us for corporate farming on a 20-year lease. It is not a bloody big chunk, just 45,267 acres… for starters.

“Sir, and leases have longer lives than stated. Imagine the happy NCOs retiring as farmers! We will be as minimizing the role of mid­dlemen through efficient marketing system. Our army smart system doesn’t need middle or front men, just our men.”

The four starer spoke, “Shehbaz Sharif, at least follows the script, and dutifully explained our involvement in the project that security and economy were closely related to each other that’s why the Pakistan Army will spend all its energy in the management, coordination and the success of the project… wars aren’t happening.”

The bespectacled three starer brings up a trump card level suggestion, “Sir, with us being the agriculture section, the farm equipment sector should also belong to us. Shehbaz is in an autographing mode, he can be asked to de-privatize agricultural machinery sector to us.”

The four starer does thumbs up, and smilingly quips, “Capital idea. Done. As Americans would say, we have ‘all bases covered’.”

The mustached three starer can’t hold himself and offers, “Sir, this farming initiative does away with the ‘electable’ thing… the zamindars and waderas factor. The new zamindar and wadera carries a swagger stick.”

All present, fists raised, roar, “The new zamindar and wadera carries a swagger stick.”

But Daddy Promised

Pakistan Peoples Party chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari is fully engrossed in his Nights of Azure game on his PlayStation 4 that the federal minister of climate change, Sherry Rehman shimmers carrying a with a silver tray, courtesies and draws his attention to press clippings.

The first is from Express Tribune with interior minister Rana Sanaullah Khan announcing that his Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz will field candidates for all the 297 provincial and 146 National Assembly constituencies across the country. He also stressed that no alliances will be formed with other parties for the elections. Seat adjustments could, however, be made in a few constituencies under unavoidable circumstances.

She also draws his attention to The News item where prime minister Shehbaz Sharif declaring that Nawaz Sharif will return as prime minister.

Now that he has rested from grip from the game controller, Sherry points out that Punjab has 173, while Sindh 75, Khyber Pakhtunkhwa 55, and Baluchistan 20 combined still fall short by 23 seats.

This calls for some serious smoking. Both Bilawal and Sherry light up. A couple of Gauloises – the French cigarettes, they regain focus.

“Aunt Sherry, the numbers you give me are alarming. And given Rana’s penchant for violence, no one will dare to win against his candidates…[Bilawal still fondling his game control] we shouldn’t be stressed be stressed … should we … Bhutto Zinda hai {Bhutto is forever}….”

“Oh, dear son of great martyr and grandson of great martyr, Bhutto zinda hai is only in Sindh. Count the numbers you have in National Assembly who are not from Sindh….”

“Aunty Sherry, but Murad Ali Shah inauguring the Dhabeji Special Economic Zone said ‘After the completion of this project, it will be inaugurated by Prime Minister of Pakistan…  Chairman Bilawal Bhutto.’ And inaugurating the Karachi Municipal Committee meeting, mayor Murtaza Wahab said, ‘next prime minister is Bilawal Bhutto, Karachi will be given full attention.’”

Sherry Rehman lights up another cigarette for Bilawal and explains, “Oh dear son of great martyr and grandson of great martyr, the situation is far more complex. Now PML-N has picked up a fight with MQM-P over the elections being held on 2017 census. Yes, 2017 census would be good for us, with Karachi getting lesser seats than its numbers and our Sindh numbers staying solid, but it may help PML-N to delay elections to solidify grounds for Nawaz…”

“Oh, Aunty Sherry is that bad, it means Nawaz Sharif, followed by Maryam Nawaz Sharif, followed by Junaid Safdar or is he, like us, Junaid-Nawaz Sharif-Safdar… it means, not even Aseefa but may be Mir Bhutto-Zardari-Chaudhry may get a chance… and you said,

Bhutto zinda hai is only in Sindh.”

A few more packs of Gauloises meet their ultimate destiny, and Bilawal let loose his game controllers, “Aunt Sherry, what about the factor ’Zardari, subb purr bhari’, we blew away PTI and its chief…”

“Oh dear son of great martyr and grandson of great martyr, it is true, but be warned…”

“Yes, Aunty Sherry. I do see a silver lining. Even if elections are delayed, I got to keep my internship and keep flying the world and occasionally visit Pakistan…

“But I have great dreams. Daddy stopped investing in overseas real estate after our 16th century Normandy palace and putting it all in offshore accounts. I have dreams. I want to acquire mega mansions. Here I come, USA!

“We can always buy national assembly seats, like we did to kickout Imran Khan. Sindh is ours and its treasury is ours. [U.S. Secretary of State] Blinken has assured me every time he has met me that I fit the bill, and I cover all the bases for them…

“Daddy knows that it is a good investment. And all those IMF billions coming back again, with a little push from the United State of America!”

“Oh, dear son of great martyr and grandson of great martyr, keep faith…”
“Yes, Aunty Sherry, Daddy promised to make me prime minister and he also promised to buy me the PlayStation5.”

Reformed to Deliver

Former prime minister Shahid Khaqan rejecting the rant of Maulana Fazlur Rehman, head of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema-I Islam (JUI-F), declared that the Dubai PPP/PML-N summit was a meeting of those who matter.

Indeed, the rest, the alliance’s dozen are like the ornaments that some women and girls like to insert in their keyrings, when only the car and house keys matter.

Continuing the light shown by Abbasi, the Big Two convened to determine how to achieve the much-desired level playing that elections could be held.

The Sharifs belonging to the General Zia school of democracy are snug in their belief that the constitutionally mandated date can be moved. After all it is numbers on a calendar. And lo and behold, the Supreme Court, just purrs but never roars. The Big Two are encouraged by thing like the court is blurred toward the legality of 90-day provincial interim cabinets in force in Punjab since January of this year.  

After much consideration, it was decided that the Parliamentary Committee on Electoral Reforms meeting would be held in the prime minister’s Rs. 100 million swimming pool facility. Maryam Nawaz Sharif insisted on this as she likes to craft boats out of agenda documents and sail them. Indeed, the most effective way to wash away anything that stifles political creativity.

The single item agenda is creating the much-hallowed level playing field – can’t mention it, but the object of leveling is Imran Khan and his Pakistan Tehrike Insaf (PTI).

Law minister Azam Nazir Tarar of PML-N serves as coordinator and present are former National Assembly speaker, PML-N’s Sardar Ayaz Sadiq, the PPP team is led by its central leader Nayyar Bukhari – who sits securely wired to party chairman and foreign minister Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari. 

Attendees include Zafar Iqbal, special secretary of the ECP representing Chief Election Commissioner Sikandar Sultan Raja, Fawad Hasan Fawad, former special secretary to the prime minister, Sen. Taj Haider, PPPP,  interior minister Rana Sanaullah Khan, Qamar Zaman Kaira, the former minister of information and mass-media broadcasting and Incumbent advisor on Kashmir Affairs to the prime minister, and Dr. Nafisa Shah, PPP MNA — daughter of the legend unto himself, former Sindh chief minister Syed Qaim Ali Shah. And not to forget, Maryam Nawaz loyalist and federal minister Mian Javed Latif who has been insistent that his party would accept the elections only if its leadership was given a level playing field.

Sen. Taj Haider opines that the Supreme Court was creating political instability in the country, and we have adopted the Supreme Court (Practice and Procedure) Act, 2023… and clipped the president’s power to give election dates.

Bukhari, thumping his fist on the table, screams, “What level playing field, when my own party has backed away from banning parties!”

Kaira swiftly assuages his fear, “Nayyar, don’t you see how we are draining away the party of the PTI chief. First Kashmir and now we have control of Gilgit-Baltistan. Nayyar, we have useful idiots in Muthahida Qoumi Movement-Pakistan. They have already questioned whether the elections could be held based on the 2017 census when the process for the new census has almost completed.

“Prime minister Shehbaz Sharif has given a tentative date of August 14, and using the MQM objection, the date could be flexible.”

Nafisa Shah offers, “In the words of my immaculate leader, Asif Ali Zardari, agreements and declarations are neither the Quran or hadith. Everyone note that!

“My main concerns are the attainment of level playing field, and of course when my leader, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari can visit Pakistan for the polls. How can we have this leveling when the PTI chief has two cancer hospitals and the third nearing completion! The Namal university will be Mir Bhutto-Zardar Chaudhry – Bakhtawar too needs recognition aside from boasting herself as the first woman prime minister’s first born!

“My beloved leader Asif Zardari has the solution to the hospital thing. These were built from funds donated by the people. So, the PPP being the Peoples Party of Pakistan should be given the naming rights. These hospitals will become Shaheed Benazir Bhutto cancer institutes, with Zardari, and three Bhutto-Zardari siblings as the sole directors. And you know that the mere mention of Shaukat Khanum bring the PTI chef’s name to mind.

Sanaullah, fist waving, screams, “Zardari is the absolute. And friends it is good we put aside the banning them, I am trimming the PTI to non-existence. In Punjab’s 36 districts alone, we have 718 police stations. Sindh has 30, Khyber Pakhtunkhwa has 37, and Baluchistan has 36 districts. Imagine the police stations we have available to registers FIRs. I guarantee just the PTI chief alone will be carrying an Encyclopedia Britannica volume worth of FIRs, and imagine the others!”

They all stand, raise their fists and roar, “Level playing field is here. The election thing is reformed to deliver.”

All Bases Loaded

Pakistan prime minister, Shehbaz Sharif, and his sons, Hamza and Sulaiman, are relaxing after enjoying another week of kicking out graft cases pending against them.

Their dartboard has been taped over with a portrait of the one whom they only want to be called, “PTI chief.”

The darts are flying, but so far, the only casualties have been the many crystal vases that resided in the board’s neighborhood.

A thoughtful Hamza raises a serious issue about the British prime minister Rishi Sunak’s abilities, “Yes, Abba and my little brother, we see Indians in America ruling over multibillion corporations, but this Indian in London is wrecking his party – the Conservatives.”

Sulaiman touching his forehead, pontificates, “These Indians can’t stop their hunger for power. I mean, poor Boris Johnson… I mean a person who is Eton College grounded, and Oxford graduate, who was elected president of the Oxford Union, was booted out for having a party or more.

“I liked his hairstyle and his penchant for hooking women!”

The father folds his hands and speaks, “My dear boys, always thank God for His blessings. Don’t you know that Boris is a cricketing enthusiast and being such, he is a fan of the PTI chief [the prime minister true to his credit, carefully refrains from mentioning the forbidden name].  Haven’t you seen the selfies he was taking with the PTI chief?

“Think! If he was still prime minister, imagine the barrage of his screaming at us over our human rights violations.”

Sulaiman offers, “Yes, Abba, my God bless us for having such a wise parent. You know I have my insider sources who reside around the environs of the Buckingham Palace. What I learn is that we are not entirely safe… this human rights thing is not fully swept under the British carpet. Yes, we have investments in England but not as large as the Saudis and other Arabs.

“My sources say that the PTI chief has some familial connection to Camilla … as in Queen …”

Shehbaz and Hamza spring out of the deep cushions faster than Jack-in-Box, and shout in unison, “PTI chief has ties right up there… their Majesties!”

Sulaiman continues, “Yes, unfortunately it is true. I have been told that the British queen’s now late brother, in fact, her only bother, Mark Shand, was married in the Goldsmith family … yes Jemima’s family … probably her first cousin!”

Shehbaz presses his eyes with both palms and emits a painful sigh, “Oh, so close! Jemima may not be the PTI chief’s wife any longer, but this Shand widow is aunt of his sons. One cannot rule out the danger.

“Here we were thanking for the good fortune of not having Boris as prime minister of London and England, and Sulaiman delivers the news of an even more grave threat.”

Hamza, his forehead deeply browed, “Abba, we need to act. You know Charles is newly crowned and may be tempted to a display of his power… authority…”

Shehbaz once again presses his eyes with his index fingers and emits a painful sigh, “Yes, it is a matter that needs immediate attention…”

Sulaiman chimes, “And one that clears the problem from bottom up…”

Shehbaz, still his palms pressing his eyes, sighs, “This needs immediate and far-reaching approach.”

Sulaiman quickly comes to his father’s rescue, “Abba anything unpleasant that happened when you attended the coronation of His Majesty King Charles?”

Shehbaz leaps and hugs him, “You got it. Yes, I am prime minister of Pakistan, but I was not given the due respect as the owner of valuable British real estate!

“You know that our Hyde Park Place 10-bed house is one of London’s last surviving Georgian palaces! And here I was placed between heads of some odd countries.”

Sulaiman offers, “Yes! And this is a stone’s throw from Marble Arch. How much more British can we get! This needs a fully appreciable response!”

Hamza, seconds, “Indeed, this needs decisive action. We all know that if His Majesty even lightly whispers about our human rights abuses, the Arabs who are showering billions upon us, would discard us like a used nose tissue paper!”

Shehbaz quickly springs to action and dials Dr. Usman Anwar, the inspector general of Punjab Police, “Anwar, I want to you register a few FIRs against His Majesty King Charles for showing disrespect toward the owner of one of London’s last surviving Georgian palaces. And that is Mian Mohammad Shehbaz Sharif.”

Anwar is quick to respond, “It will be less than what we placed on the PTI chief, but right now FIRs are being registered in our police stations of RoshanWala, Khudian, Chicawatni and more in progress! Sir, any other service!”

Shehbaz utters his thanks and does high fives with his sons, “Now this is what Americans call, all bases loaded!”

What are the $3 billion For?

Since the Big Two of the Pakistan Democratic Movement (PDM) met in Dubai on June 27 to the exclusion of the 12 other alliance members, Maulana Fazl ur Rehman, founder and chairman of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat-e Ulema-I Islam (JUI-F), has been feeling flustered. Flustered would rather be an exaggerated understatement.

The state of the Maulana’s innards could be more likened to Alaska’s bubbling lake, where some steaming bubbles grow as big as grapefruits.

Upon learning of the event, Fazl had told the media that the Dubai meeting was not sudden, but had been planned, so everyone should have been taken into confidence. But it so happens, the PML-N bigwig and former prime minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi raised the mercury to another level by telling reporters, “The Dubai meeting was held between two major political parties. It is not necessary to include everyone in the meetings.”

Fazl has harbored higher dreams since long.

In trying to hose down Fazl’s temperature, prime minister Shehbaz Sharif invited him for a one-to-one meeting. In the meantime, the party had issued another stinker that the vote of no-confidence was Asif Ali Zardari’s idea not theirs, and time would tell which forces were behind the no-confidence motion.

Fazl was relentless and Shehbaz known for taking quick actions, summoned defense minister Khawaja Asif to help diffuse the situation. The learned minister who had adorned the Maulana with the moniker, “diesel” for his fondness for permits for importing diesel, hurriedly offered, “Maulana, let bygones be bygones, we will give you a whole register of diesel permits.”

It was obvious to all, but perhaps not Shehbaz and Khawaja, that the bubbling lake within was fully effervescing.

Quickly flinging his scarf over his shoulder, and even ignoring the tall glass of lassi that Shehbaz had ordered for him, the Maulana marched out, mumbling that he would see them later.

And that he did. Learning from his son, Asad Mahmood, the minister for communications, that Shehbaz was holding a cabinet meeting the next day, the Maulana marched into hall, holding a yellow pad. He approached Shehbaz and angrily deposited it in his lap.

He roared, “Shehbaz, this infringement is much larger than one or a few registers of diesel permits! More must be done and done what I am going to tell you next!

“Read, the list, I have given to you. [the list named his family members in legislatures and not, topped by his brother and party vice-president, Sen. Attaur Rehman, son, Asad, and other family members].

“But… but… first things first. Why couldn’t Zardari buy a few more of Imran Khan’s assembly members and wipe off both Imran and President Arif Alvi? You could now be talking to President Maulana Fazlur Rehman. Asif was in a rush to get Bilawal an internship… he couldn’t any longer bear seeing his child stuck to his Sony PlayStation.

“Yes, more about it later. I want you to arrange a Gulf Stream jet… our womenfolk are also going. I am flying tonight to Washington, D.C. to personally thank Kristalina Georgieva [managing director and chairman of the IMF executive board] for the $3 billion!

“And Shehbaz, get the embassy to reserve us suites the Four Seasons Hotel… oh yes, the presidential suite for me … the next president of Pakistan. They call it the Royal Suite. The rest of the party gets Capital Suites.”

Finance minister Ishaq Dar hurriedly blurts, “These suites are more that $2000 per night and Royal is much more.”

Fazl gestures him to keep quiet and continues, “After I meet with Kristalina, I am heading to the State Department to meet with [U.S. Secretary of State] Blinken. I need to remind him that in Maulana Fazlur Rehman you have prime ministerial material whose loyalty can never be doubted.

[Once again gesturing silence, he continues] I will be stopping over in London to meet with the next prime minister of Pakistan, Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif…”

Next pandemonium breaks out. Bilawal is on his feet, screaming, “what…what… Daddy promised that job! Yes, I am the next…” Holding his unopened water bottle high, he squealed at his best, “And Daddy also promised to buy me a new PlayStation!”

Lo and behold this is too hard on Shehbaz’s niece, Maryam Nawaz Sharif – a non-cabinet member always present in these meetings, who raises her stainless steel glass, and screams even louder, “Bilawal, go back to your seat… it is my father, Nawaz Sharif and then it will be me.”

Fazl flings his scarf on his shoulder, and saying loudly, “You keep squabbling, I am doing what I told you…”

Once again Dar tries to whisper about the cost and Fazal silences him, declaring loudly, “What upon earth, are these $3 billion for?”

The Pie is Not Sliced

Punjab Assembly Speaker and Pakistan Muslim League-Q leader Pervaiz Elahi’s interview with Meher Bokhari of Hum News got the country atwitter, where he claimed that all of Pakistan Tehrike Insaf’s allies are “100% inclined” towards the Opposition for the no-confidence motion against prime minister Imran Khan.

While this was seen as welcome news for Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz president Shahbaz Sharif, Pakistan Democratic Movement chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman, and Pakistan Peoples Party co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari, but a report has set off alarm bells. Of course, they meet.

Some reports indicated that while Pervaiz Elahi has determined the chief ministership of Punjab as his price but that is just the tip of the iceberg. It has been reported that the Gujrat family wants Chaudhry Shujat Hussain as president, Chaudhry Parvaiz Elahi as prime minister and Moonis Elahi as Punjab chief minister.

More than often kingmakers are footloose and liberally.

This has led Zardari to invite Shehbaz and Fazl to his Zardari House in Islamabad.

A sprinkling of heaping ashtrays around him betray his insecurities. He initiates the dialogue, “Did you all see Meher’s interview. I was so elated that I ordered (Sindh chief minister) Murad (Ali Shah) to arrange a few score pounds of sweets. Obedient as he is, he told me that he is billing the expenses to Sindh health department. But did you hear… I mean, I said never give too much rope to a person… he can hang himself. What these Chaudhries of Gujrat have five seats, and they want the world!”

Fazl releases a big scoop of biryani into his mouth, and chomping furiously, offers, “Asif thank you for arranging this meeting. I have been told by Hamid Mir (Geo News) that Pervaiz is publicly saying that he wants to rule Punjab; his slate is for his full family…”

Shehbaz sits up and blurts, “What… weren’t we agreed that he will get Punjab, I will be prime minister, Asif will be president…”

Fazl chucks in an even bigger scoop of biryani and whispers, “Hamid says that Pervaiz kept repeating incessantly that he has five national assembly seats. He said that he has been chief minister once, now it his son, Moonis’ turn…”

Zardari quickly goes through two cigarettes and continues, “Pervaiz isn’t the only one, we are buying. There are the Grand Democratic Alliance (GDA), Baluchistan Awami Party, and Muttahida Quomi Movement-Pakistan. They too will be asking their price. Fehmeeda Mirza (GDA) is defense production minister, she’ll surely be asking for foreign ministry… but I have promised it to Aseefa. And Bakhtawar is asking for finance and industry… Bilawal, of course for prime minister. It is time that he gets married… this spell will only be broken once he becomes one…”

Shehbaz nervously asks, “Asif weren’t we agreed on sharing the spoils? Didn’t we draw a power-sharing plan? There is Hamza… there is Maryam (Nawaz Sharif) … and (her son) Junaid Safdar…”

Zardari once against goes through two more cigarettes and whispers, “I only gave you my partial list. I have a family. They have needs.

Fazl places another large scoop of biryani, and gurgles, “Can you stop tearing at each other? Didn’t you hear what (COAS) General Bajwa said, answering a question at LUMS (Lahore University of Management Sciences) that ‘If you think I call the shots in this country then you have no idea who is Imran Khan’.

“And Mr. Asif, you consider yourself ek zardari, sub pur bhari (Zardari conquers all), don’t you remember that your brother-in-law, who some say, you got killed, Murtaza, got Pervaiz’s father Chaudhry Zahoor Elahi killed in Lahore in 1981 by his al-Zulfikar terrorist organization? Will he accept you?

[At this moment, a servant slips in with a note for Fazl that Pervaiz is now saying that his party is still part of the ruling coalition and has not joined the opposition.]

“Look at this! No more Pervaiz for us. Now let me call (former U.S. ambassador) Anne Peterson and remind her of the grand lunch I served her and ask her to repay the favor.

“No more slicing the pie. The pie, yes all of it, belongs to Maulana Fazlur Rehman, chairman of the Jamiat Ulema-i Islam-Fazl.

“Shehbaz, let me continue. Of course, I have family too… I will be prime minister. My brothers… (party vice president) Sen. Maulana Atta ur Rehman will be Senate chairman, Maulana Lutf ur Rehman will be president, Maulana Obaidur Rehman (MPA) will be chief minister of Punjab. Of course, my son (Sen.) Asad Mahmood will be foreign, defense and industries minister. My brother Zia-ur-Rehman, who is currently a grade-19 officer, will be finance minister, and my son-in-law Afaq Jan Begukhel will be minister of defense production…

“Meeting over! No need to calculate shares of the pie!”

Pakistan Always Ours to Loot

Pakistani prime minister Imran Khan responses in the live call session were widely reported and discussed in the media and social media.

Consequently, as pertinent, Asif Zardari, the former president of Pakistan, and inheritor-chairperson of Pakistan Peoples Party, and Nawaz Sharif, the three times former prime minister and sublime leader of Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) were again on Zoom talking to each other.

Considering their stresses, Zardari sits fronted by three heaping ashtrays with more piling up, while Sharif has three emptied glasses of lassi and one in hand.

“Asif, what sort of person this Imran is? He asks questions whose answers are common knowledge…”

“Nawaz, that’s what I was thinking. He was already talking about tsunamis, now he is also talking of boiling lava…”

“Yes… Asif, he is saying that people have accumulated boiling lava of anger, and all it will take is pointing a finger toward us, and they will take to the streets, and we will be looking to flee back to London… but he is wrong about me, not London, my choice is Normandy… my 16th-century royal chateau…”

“Asif, you mean, like we have Mandi Bahauddin, in France, they have Nawr Mandi…”

“Oh Nawaz, get your lassi refilled, I own this place which was built for a French princess…”

“Okay … okay… but we were talking about the Imran problem… at least you have money flowing from Sindh. You know he said that we are too attached to wealth. Aren’t both of us magnetic personalities? Doesn’t he know this much science that money being metallic bonds with magnets?

“Asif, does he ask you too where your money came from? What! Does he keep money in his pillow… where the money came from! Money comes from all directions and goes to healthy places like Virgin Island… I wonder if Richard Branson also owns these like Virgin Air and this and that Virgin.

“Now, see this. He is saying that if he takes to the streets, we will have no place to hide, because the people have seen our true colors… what… aren’t we like most people gandumi, color of the wheat we eat. Definitely, we aren’t cloth to become red or pink or blue or purple. Very confusing.”

“Nawaz, I tell you that he is jealous of us because he only played cricket. You know I used to play polo, and even got a polo field put up in the Prime Minister House, when Benazir [Bhutto] first became prime minister. He is so small minded that he is even jealous of your grandson playing polo in England… I am retired now but I would have enjoyed playing with Junaid [Safdar] because Bilawal’s only sport is playing Mario on his video console.

“Such a jealous fool… he is even upset that we are blessed with Bentleys and Rolls Royces. Now tell me which private bank in the world will open your account if they see you alighting a Suzuki Alto?

“And… and you will agree that he has this NRO fix and keeps talking about it nonstop. Who on earth told him that [former president Gen. Pervez] Musharraf gave us NRO? Benazir was daughter of prime minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, not a chambermaid! It was President George W. Bush. Musharraf merely signed what [former secretary of state] Condoleezza Rice dictated… I think it was an odd hour… like she suddenly found her own reminder at 4 p.m.… that is Washington, D.C. time… and this woke up Musharraf at 2 a.m. He just kept murmuring yes Sir… yes Madam… that is the story, my dear.”

“Asif, did you miss this that he wants to remove the gap between the weak and the powerful to strengthen the rule of law in the country. What gap… doesn’t he know about social distancing means staying six feet apart.”

“Nawaz, he is saying that not only he will complete this term, but also two to three more… and will become dangerous after ruling for so long. Most disturbing is that he wants to establish the rule of law. Let us be resolute. We cannot allow this sacrilege to happen. Pakistan should always be ours to loot. Right!”

Crushed Hopes

Gharidah Farooqi, who, in her state of euphoric hope, had put out a sort of survey asking what Imran Khan would do after being booted out: brood in Bani Gala or suffer in jail, summoned a panel of the affected – those who shared her hopes – on her G for Gharidah to discuss the rising hopelessness.

Their dream prime minister, Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) president Shehbaz Sharif had announced February 26 that the opposition alliance Pakistan Democratic Movement’s (PDM) planned no-confidence move against the government is still under preparation.

The much-trumped hopes of help from the ‘Tareen Group’ faded when Jahangir Tareen decamped to London and that too in an air-ambulance. PML-N biggie Sanaullah, who had been posturing much, dismissed rumors of a Tareen-Nawaz meeting in London.

The coalition of three major opposition parties – PML(N), Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) and Jamiat Ulema-i Islam (JUI) – had tasked PPP will-based co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari to deal with the government’s allies regarding the matter. To put it plainly, he was tasked with utilizing his horse-trading skills to net the needed parliamentarians.

Those who hoped were also elevated to learn the inheritance-based PPP co-chair Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari’s offer to accept PML-N’s candidate for prime minister, even though an astrologer had declared that he could only get married after he became prime minister.

The much-anticipated February 22 D-Day had welted too.

Such concerns had to be discussed and the fellow affected were grateful for Farooqi’s thoughtfulness.

After the prelude, Hamid Mir quickly started, “It is no secret who my real adoration is. Just to share with you that upon my request [Sindh information minister] Saeed Ghani, whose job is to open water bottles for Bilawal, sends me the empties… of course, these do contain a few drops. I always sprinkle these precious drops on my body as I smell in them, the sweet smell of the Great Martyrs, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and Benazir Bhutto. 

“Bilawal has rightly spoken that the Imran regime will fall only when it is without the establishment’s support. We should put all our hopes in [chief of army staff General] Bajwa and not these opposition jokers. At this rate, it… their non-confidence vote will be ready by 2038…”

Farooqi quickly switches to Najam Sethi, questioning, “Najam, what happened to your bird? Where was it getting all those heartening news?”

A dejected Sethi whispers, “Gharidah, I suspect that my bird has been getting under the influence. You know, I love to cook, and wine is an ingredient that I can’t do without. I can’t comprehend how and when my bird reaches into the wines… and you know the rest… inebriated inputs…”

Talat Hussain, who anchors a current affair program on Neo TV, offers, “Najam that is bad. You should consult a good veterinarian and get her enrolled in Alcoholics Anonymous… you would agree that after the speed with which the Noor Mukadam murder case was decided… she was decapitated last July and despite all the defense team’s delaying tactics, within eight months came the death sentence. I fear that other more serious proceedings are in the offing in courts at a much fsaster pace as well. You know next, instead of non-confidence motions, many of our idols of [taxpayer-funded] benevolence may be searching for medical certificates for treatment abroad instead of in jail clinics.”

Farooqi had also called PPP leader and former Punjab governor Sardar Latif Khan Khosa, the one whom Zardari had tasked to represent supermodel Ayyan Ali after she was caught trying to smuggle half a million dollars to Dubai.

Farooqi inquires, “Respected Mr. Khosa, you enjoy great nearness to our beloved Asif Zardari and you had raised our hopes that the opposition has support of enough lawmakers     required to pass the no-confidence motion against Imran Khan…”

Khosa responds, “Certainly our beloved leaders are doing a jihad for the rejuvenation of our benefits… but we all must cool our heels… There are two opinions. One is that we should topple government, when you know… no need to mention [lack of scruples] … but I hate to admit, considering this if we do so, it may tarnish our image as we would not be able to put things back on track, especially after the world has experienced a person of Imran’s stature.

“Of course, the second option is to allow him to complete his tenure and wait till the next general elections.”

Farooqi quickly grabs her glass of water, dunks a few tablets of antidepressants, and moans, “Sardar Latif Khan Khosa you have crushed our hopes. It will be 2023… and as Talat said, many of our idols will be seeking ways to get medical treatment in London… and suddenly it will be 2028… (amid hysteric weeping, she murmurs) some of us will be in wheelchairs by then.”

Thank You God, We were There

Prime minister Imran Khan’s visit Russia at President Putin’s invitation was more than productive. It spawned more than hundred analysts per second, each of them, not only a foreign policy but also a security expert on Russia.

Naturally, Asma Shirazi, who conducts a current affair show on Aaj News, and considers herself as one of the most deprived TV anchors, arranged a discussion on the prime minister’s visit.

She was already reminiscing those dreamy days when former prime minister Nawaz Sharif and former president Asif Zardari used to take journalists like her, in luxuriously kitted Boeings.

Although, she was moaning of not being flown and feted in Moscow, she and her ilk had hopes that soon the opposition would unseat the prime minister and restore the old order.

After Shirazi’s introductory remarks, Kamran Khan, who hosts the talk show Dunya Kamran Khan Kay Sath on Dunya New, who had tense time holding himself back, started, “Asma, I cannot overcome my disgust. The world is amazed! At a time when Russian forces were invading the independent country of Ukraine and killing innocent people, our Prime Minister and his cabinet were laying flowers at the monument in an extraordinary tribute to the Russian army. The very same army stained with the blood of thousands of our Afghan brothers…”

Shirazi nods in agreement, “Simply nauseating. Imran Khan is such a simpleton that they engraved the memorial as Tomb of Unknown Soldier 1939-1945, and he didn’t know that Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan… 1979… but what it has do with dates. Our Nawaz Sharif would have read his notes and would have asked why they are still putting flowers on graves of people whose names they don’t know…”

Khan snaps, “He would have certainly asked if it is the grave of a man or woman.”

Shahzad Anwar Farooqi, resident editor of Daily Nawa-i Waqt, quickly added, “Asma, isn’t it so clear that no one respects Imran Khan. Now his name will also be remembered in history that he was in Moscow when Russia launched a military operation against Ukraine. If President Putin had any regard for him, he could have postponed this military operation, for two days!”

Shirazi quickly notes, “You have a point here Shahzad. This shows that Putin knows that Imran Khan is a lightweight. I can tell you that Putin must be directing the war on his iPhone while posing that he is listening to Imran Khan…”

Hamid Mir angrily asks, “What was the point of going to Russia, when Imran Khan can neither talk, nor understand Russian?

“Disgusting. What historic visit… what red carpet…wasn’t it a reception by an army which attacked Ukraine the day prime minister of Pakistan arrived in Moscow. Like many Pakistanis, I also think that this visit may create problems for their country.”

Saleem Safi, who conducts Jirga on Geo TV, bangs the desk and thunders, “It is all bunkum that how Imran Khan could withdraw or cancel this visit. He keeps insulting the opposition, but Khurshid Shah (Pakistan Peoples Party MNA) had the most apt solution. Imran could have asked Dr. Adnan Khan, prime minister Nawaz Sharif’s personal physician, for a certificate… there were so many possibilities like Covid, like the inability to walk, like loose motions… Do we have to anger America? Hamid, Asma, Kamran, do you think that after this disaster, America will give any NED (National Endowment of Democracy) fellowships to any Pakistani journalists?”

Mir is quick to offer, “What NED, not even a Pakistani is getting the Chevening scholarships and fellowships funded by the British government…”

Safi continues angrily, “You are right Hamid… I mean the NED is the one… and American government financed…”

Kamran Khan still pouting asks, “Don’t know who was the architect of this foolish visit? Forget the prime minister’s cabinet members, I hold him responsible, when dangerous global sanctions were being imposed on Russia, he was merrily inspecting guard of honors…”

Shirazi is quick to add fuel to the fire, “Kamran, not just guards of honor, instead of one hour, Putin asked, and he chatted with him for three hours!”

Mir not to be left behind, “Yes, and that too without knowing a word of Russian…”

Zarrar Khuhro of Dawn TV joins, “I was shivering all the time as he never uses notes or teleprompters, and I was expecting a flood of gaffes. But thank you God, that we were there… I mean, he must be reading our comments and tweets that he able to give a balanced statement… he had put himself in a sticky situation, but at least we helped.”