We Must Kill this Accountability Mania

Following her Faisalabad rally, Maryam Nawaz Sharif has once again summoned inner circle of women.

Seated on the carpet are former information minister Maryam Aurangzeb, parliamentarian Hina Pervez Butt, president PML-N women’s wing Shaista Pervez Malik, parliamentarian Maiza Hameed, PML-N Punjab additional general secretary Saira Afzal Tarrar, and information secretary Azma Zahid Bukhari.

Ever eager to prove her servility, the moment Maryam Nawaz Sharif seats herself on her golden armchair, Hina bursts out, “Did anyone note that how scared Imran Khan is of our Beautiful Leader! You all know that when Asif Zardari changed the names of his children to Bhutto-Zardari, NADRA (National Database & Registration Authority) did not bring about any change. But when our Beautiful Leader changed her name from Maryam Safdar to Maryam Nawaz Sharif, NADRA acted immediately… I say that a shivering Imran Khan asked NADRA to declare that upon marriage, women don’t need to change their given names.

“Yes, even Peoples Party need to thank you too, because now Bakhtawar can become Bhutto-Choudhry.”

Azma, not to be outshone, chimes, “Huma, you said it all, but more noteworthy is that after seeing what our Great Leader filed in Islamabad High Court in her Avenfield petition that the case/verdict against you was pre-planned, orchestrated and influenced by Lt. Gen. Faiz Hameed, the then director general [counter-intelligence]. And we all see next, an unnerved [COAS] Gen. Bajwa demotes this general out from ISI to Corps Commander Peshawar, far away from the military headquarters.”

Maryam Nawaz Sharif, instantly adds, “You are spot on, and people can understand why Imran Khan is so panicked that his selector Gen. Faiz has been kicked so far away.

“It was Gen. Faiz who pressured the judge to declare that Calibri font, which I have always used to prepare my documents was available when I prepared these documents. What! The parentage of Colibri is clear. Georg Dralle Parfüm-und Feinseifenwerke was founded in Hamburg in 1852. Haven’t people even of our grandmothers’ generation used Colibri creams? You all know how this drama about my using nonexistent fonts was created to remove the biggest hurdle in front of them. Now this big drama about the new ISI chief’s appointment. Nothing… nothing but to save his government…”

Huma quickly complete the sentence, “The moment Gen. Faiz goes, this Imran Khan government would collapse… such is the power of my Beautiful Leader. And I know why on July 6, 2018, the accountability court handed jail terms of seven years to our Beautiful Leader but one year to our beloved Safdar Awan… it was Gen. Faiz’s conspiracy to create husband and wife rift, but our Beautiful Leader never boasted that ‘look, I got seven, you only got one’…”

The gathered women, with an obsequent nod, declare, “Our Beautiful Leader!”

Maryam Nawaz Sharif, smiles, and offers, “They call themselves generals… yes, generals… two 4-star generals, and 29 lieutenant generals and 197 major generals, but you see my war tactics. I split the PDM (Pakistan Democratic Movement) for a reason… and you know how it is working. My troops are marching from Faisalabad to onward, while Bilawal is marching from Sindh… this is called tactical warfare… a true pincer movement. The military ousted my Papa and now I will oust the military.”

“And… and it is being done at the right moment! The country is at peril… [giggles] and the people are too naïve to consider the challenges the country faces… after being defeated in Afghanistan, America is showing no mercy to Pakistan… and the oil cartel has raised prices again… what an opportunity, never to be missed! Imran Khan… and the country have their backs to the wall, and this is the moment he can be felled.

“Gen. Bajwa is so scared now that he hasn’t uttered a word despite the powerful punches, I am throwing at him. Their days are numbered. I have the cards and I am playing them.”

Maryam Aurangzeb chimes in, “When you become prime minister, we will appoint Farrukh Saleem, columnist of The News and Pakistan Observer, as finance minister. What a brainy tweet he has done, pointing out that when oil pricing in international market in August was $75/barrel, and there are 159 liters in a barrel, which makes it Rs80 per liter, but why Pakistani pumps are selling it at Rs137 liter. What a brilliant mind who rejects the consideration of refining, transportation, and distribution costs… and yesterday, he was quoting $85 a barrel!”

Maryam Nawaz Sharif, interrupts, “Surely, in fact, also he will be our minister for science and technology, so we have cars that run on crude oil, and we can get total love of people by selling oil at less than half what Imran Khan is giving them for.

“Our wise leader, (JUI-F chief) Maulana Fazlur Rehman is on the mark that the time is right to take to the streets instead of only organizing rallies against the PTI-led government. The country can take care of itself, but we must kill this accountability mania… the disease that is starving us of riches.”

Why are the English People Upset when they Taught us Chicanery?

United Arab Emirates’ (UAE) de facto ruler, crown prince Mohammad Bin Zayed (MBZ) is distraught that the University of Cambridge has broken off talks over a record £400 million collaboration after finding about the Gulf state’s use of Israeli Pegasus hacking software.

He needs consolation. His first calls are to London-based conservative think tanks. On zoom call are Mark Littlewood, director general of the Institute of Economic Affairs (IEA) and Elizabeth Truss, secretary of state for foreign, Commonwealth and development affairs and founder of the Free Enterprise Group (FEG).

IEA, whose mission is to shrink the state, lower taxes and deregulate business, counts 14 British cabinet members as alumni – including the health secretary Sajid Javid, and home secretary Priti Patel.

 IEG, whose aim was to rebuild confidence in free market capitalism in the wake of the financial crisis, and for which the IEA has organized events, co-authored papers and provided administrative support. Other members include Johnson ministers and some 40 other Conservative MPs.

MBZ, impatiently asks, “Mr. Littlewood and Honorable Ms. Truss, I am deeply disappointed in Cambridge University. In fact, I consider that this is most shocking that they have done to those most loyal to The Crown since their founding in 1209…

“They are refusing to accept my £400 million only because I am used [Israeli] Pegasus hacking software! You know nowadays, you can go on Apple Store and buy any App or software.

“I know these days, Cambridge is in some kind of public rela… I mean some spiritual thing, like they returned the Benin bronze cockerel from their Jesus College collection to Nigeria’s National Commission for Museums and Monuments because it was looted in 1897 by Her Majesty’s royal forces from Benin, which is now part of Nigeria.

“I am told that Cambridge is touting it proudly as the first institutional return of its kind. Fine! My good wishes. I know sometimes, universities in the U.S. and UK act oddly. Like, 21 years ago, Harvard Divinity School returned my father, Sheikh Zayed’s $2.5 million gift alleging that it is tainted money.

“Mr. Littlewood and Honorable Ms. Truss, I can assure you that this £400 million was not looted from any of Her Majesty’s former colonies. I just looted it from our national treasury… which is you know is exclusively mine.

“I just bought the Pegasus because it has a white horse… winged though. Don’t Her Majesty, the Queen, His Royal Highness Prince Charles, and His Royal Highness Prince William too love horses…

“You know, we the Abu Dhabi and Dubai royals belong to the same Bani Yas tribe. My brother, Skeikh Mohammed (of Dubai) is very caring person… even for his ex-wives… Of course, he was worried for his daughter, Princess Latifa, and of course (his ex-wife who fled the country and came to the UK in 2019) Princess Haya, who you know is King Hussein bin Talal of Jordan’s daughter and the half-sister of King Abdullah II… son of a British mother, albeit a working-class girl! And of course, Sheikh Mohammed is concerned about his children, especially his daughters. So, he expressed his concern, among others to NSO CEO Shalev Hulio… what a fine head on a 39-year-old! Considering such concern, he asked Izzy Woumitstein, their regional sales representative to explain the Pegasus to us. He said that this was like the baby monitor that people install in their children’s nurseries to help to reassure them with a 24/7 view of their little one no matter where they are. The best baby monitor, Nanit Ultimate Bundle is like $400, but of course for monitoring royals, one needs a high pedigree product, and we were introduced to Pegasus, which has a cute flying white horse on its package!

“Mr. Littlewood and Honorable Ms. Truss, we can’t comprehend the anger at us.

“Her Majesty also announced that she will no longer play host to Sheikh Mohammed at her Royal Box at Ascot. He is, to put it mildly as distraught as a dog would be upon losing his bone and chews toy.

“Since 1992, he has invested and made Godolphin the world’s largest thoroughbred horseracing and breeding operation, spanning four continents… like putting in £600 million, which would be more than $850 million.

“Mr. Littlewood and Honorable Ms. Truss, we, Israel and us… the Gulf kingdoms, are children of same parentage… Her Majesty’s blessings. So why such cruelty toward the truest lovers of England?”

Truss interrupts and offers, “Your Royal Highness, as Her Majesty’s government’s foreign secretary, I will duly convey your feelings to prime minister Johnson, who would convey your concerns to Her Majesty. I am hopeful that Her Majesty, considering that you are a valuable part of her stable of loyal ones, would give her kind consent to restore you all to her graces.”

“Thank you, Honorable Ms. Truss, I truly hope best counsel will prevail, and Her Majesty will give her kind consideration after all, I was wondering why are the English people upset at us when they taught us… what do you call it… chicanery?”

Zardari Get Free from Jail Consultancy, LLC

Sindh Assembly speaker Agha Siraj Durrani tagging along his father-in-law, former Sindh chief minister Syed Qaim Ali Shah has arrived at Bilawal House Clifton, for an audience with Asif Zardari to discuss the strategy after the Sindh High Court on dismissed Durrani’s interim pre-arrest bail plea.

They are soon ushered into the chief’s presence.

The octogenarian politician addressing the host, offers, “Sayin, you are the keeper of spirit of the Great Martyrs, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and Benazir Bhutto, and I have brought Siraj for your guidance. This NAB (National Accountability Bureau) is questioning him how his assets grew to Rs 1.61 billion, when in 2018, they were Rs 0.18 billion.

“NAB is accusing him of embezzling funds in construction of the new Sindh Assembly building and the parliamentarians’ residences. They also allege that Siraj is the beneficiary of seven properties worth over Rs 1 billion — six of which are in Defense Housing Authority and one in Malir, which were bought in the name of his workers.”

Zardari, dousing his third cigarette, exclaims, “What nonsense! Siraj, did your lawyer ask NBA what servants are for… aren’t they supposed to carry their employer’s responsibilities?”

“Yes, Sayin, after all its money, and not sand that is inert. Money has an intrinsic tendency to grow… like algae”

Zardari, once again, taking deep draw on his cigarette, adds, “Indeed, you are spot on. The speed with which money grows depends on the environment you provide it… the velocity at which you inject muscle and body into it.”

“Exactly, Sayin, there is no better than you… an expert who grew a share in Bambino Cinema into an international real estate and finance portfolio. However, right now, Sayin, the Sindh high court has rejected Siraj’s petition for a pre-arrest bail… So, what strategy you suggest for keeping him free? You know, [his wife] Naheed – my daughter – seems a bit concerned, although, she has full access to the family assets. Again, Sayin, you are a past master in this area too.

“Sayin, the shameful part is that a Sindhi judge of the Sindh high court, Mohammad Iqbal Kalhoro, had no shame in denying a true son of the soil, our Siraj. I suspect that either he is unaware that the Eternal Bhutto is constantly beaming at us, or he does not know that Siraj is your loyal lieutenant.”

“My dear, Beloved Gem of Peoples Party of Pakistan, don’t worry. I would suggest a multipronged health approach…”

Sayin, you mean, besides everything and leaving aside the platelets count defense which Nawaz Sharif has already overused, should Siraj get a medical certificate for pregnancy?”

Zardari, pointing toward Durrani, asks, “Siraj, I recall you telling me that during the 1980s, you were in the United States where you had a hardware business. So, do you have invoices and other things of that business? You can get any accountant to build up the defense that your business has generated all this money. Or did you declare bankruptcy there to walk out comfortably?

“Any way, Siraj, let us examine the medical options, which I have found to always work for me. You all remember that for years I made Islamabad’s Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences (PIMS) home. Ah, what quality service!

“Our dearest Qaim Ali Shah, first let me assure you that we don’t need to involve any pregnancy for Siraj. At least, as of now. Let us start with the heart first. It is usually a winner. I will refer you to Professor Nadeem Qamar, the long-standing doctor at the National Institute of Cardiovascular Diseases (Karachi). Let him start with giving you the diagnosis that you are suffering from ischemic heart disease, which means your heart may has inadequate supply of blood and oxygen.
“We also have our dear Asim Hussain and his Ziauddin Group of Hospitals (in Karachi). Every time, NAB comes after you, Asim can get you a new diagnosis each from his five hospitals, and of these, one is a cancer hospital. You should be well covered.

Sayin, you are tops. The best in the realm. Siraj, don’t you think that you need to start giving our Great Master 10% Plus?

Sayin, indeed our Beloved Martyr Benazir made the right choice! You are a true friend. You should a start Zardari Get Free from Jail Consultancy, LLC… like the get free from jail Monopoly card. You can make billions!”

The Dice is Falling in Our Favor

Maryam Nawaz Sharif, following, what she calls, her successful meeting with the American charge d’ affaires in Pakistan, Angela Aggeler at her Jati Umrah residence in suburban Lahore, has summoned inner circle of women.

Seated on the carpet are former information minister Maryam Aurangzeb, parliamentarian Hina Pervez Butt, president PML-N women’s wing Shaista Pervez Malik, parliamentarian Maiza Hameed, PML-N Punjab additional general secretary Saira Afzal Tarrar, and information secretary Azma Zahid Bukhari.

True to her bearings, as soon as Maryam Nawaz walks in and seats herself on her golden chair, Hina breaks out, “Our Madam Vice President simply dazzled this American lady… Angler… whatever…. Your deep green Ferragamos were simply dazzling, and the way you paired them with your beautifully cut matching green outfit, spoke volumes that you are only one qualified to rule Pakistan.”

Aggeler had a separate meeting PML-N president Shahbaz Sharif at Model Town, Lahore, headquarters, during which they reportedly discussed the regional as well as the Pakistani political situation. She also reportedly lauded Shehbaz’s services as Punjab chief minister, and steps taken by former prime minister Nawaz Sharif to end load-shedding, fighting against terrorism, and effecting economic development.

Maryam Aurangzeb directly facing the chair, expounds, “It is significant that she met with you here (Jati Umrah) and Uncle Shehbaz in Model Town. Undoubtedly, this American diplomat holds you as a political force of your own merit.”

“Thank you, Maryam [Aurangzeb] for pointing out what every sane person must have concluded. I told her pointblank that PML-N believes in the promotion of democracy, development, security in Afghanistan. You all agree that Afghanistan is right now foremost on American minds, but after mentioning Afghanistan, I did add that just as I seek all these in Pakistan too.

“I considered that in view of these Pandora Papers, I apologize to her that my family had never considered investing in America but solely in England. When she asked me the reason why, I was quick to respond that my father, not only being cricket enthusiast, but also a cricketer, was more drawn to England, the birthplace of cricket. I believe that she was quite understanding. But even then, I could see a nary hint of displeasure that aid given from American taxpayers’ money was placed in England and not the country of origin.”

Hina quickly jumped in, “No my beloved leader, don’t worry, I could see in the photos that she could not take her eyes off the crystal studded Ferragamo badge on your deep green shoes.”

“Hina, you are so caring about my impact appeal. I say that Imran Khan created the opportunity for this meeting. You know that America being the world sole superpower, Americans don’t like being snubbed. Like an idiot, should I say, Imran Khan snubbed their Deputy Secretary of State Wendy Sherman. Even Gen. Bajwa met with her. So, they sent Imran Khan a message that here we are meeting at the highest level of our diplomatic representation in your country with those you never tire of calling thieves and crooks. Like Lady Aggeler told Imran, take it!”

Before anyone could add her voice, Hina chimes, “Your analysis is truly a reflection of your genius. I have watched every channel and none of the talk shows could provide this depth to this Angler… whatever… meetings.”

Azma, finally getting a word in, adds, “Thank God, this meeting was on Thursday. Fridays are usually when bad happens to us…”

Maryam Nawaz, appreciating this observation, states, “Yes, it is most unfortunate that in 2008, my Papa (Nawaz Sharif) lost his beloved pir (holy man), the celebrated Dewana Baba of Dhanaka Sharif. Whenever, there was need, Papa would race to his hilltop abode in Mansehra District to get his blessings. Only Dewana Baba could have undone this unlucky Friday curse on us.

“My dear ladies, do you see another significance of Lady Aggeler’s meeting. With my Avenfield appeal in court, the judges should have received the message that the United States is with us.

“Lady Aggeler said that Lady Sherman only wanted Imran Khan to approve maintaining the American over the horizon capability for surveillance and bombing runs in Afghanistan. When I heard this sad episode, I told Lady Aggeler that we will have no problem with that because the sky above is for all to enjoy as long as my Papa can buy… this time properties in America.

“In the same instance, I reminded Lady Aggeler that the wife of President Biden’s former boss, President Obama, liked me so much that she went to the small table that presidents sometimes use and wrote a check for $70 million for women welfare… you remember, then my Mehr-un-Nisa and Mahnoor were with me…”

Hina speedily adds, “What a constellation of dazzling stars…”

Maryam Nawaz, quickly eyeing her iPhone, declares, “My meeting Lady Aggeler clearly shows that America doesn’t care about Panama or any Papers or books or what. I say, the dice is falling in our favor.

Sharing is Not Caring

Duke Drillsohn, chair of the Whoosh County Republicans, has been livid since reading a survey that some 88% Americans believe that the cost of prescription drugs should be lowered, 84% believe that Medicare should include dental care, hearing aids and eyeglasses, 73% support establishing Paid Family and Medical Leave, and 67 percent want universal Pre-K.

In such moments his fallback partner is Izzy Squintstein, chair of the Whoosh County chamber of commerce, and their favorite meeting place is Whoosh County Spirits & Diner on One Main Street, an establishment that had more than reluctantly removed the ‘No Coloreds’ sign.

Their tankards and their order of Steak/Wedge Fries in place, it is Duke who starts the conversation, “Izzy, you’ve seen this thing they are calling a poll that… let me start with this one… they claim that 84% Americans… don’t know which Americans … believe that Medicare should include dental care, hearing aids and eyeglasses.

“Do you see what I see… a liberal… socialist conspiracy to kill all three specialties. With government… Medicare prices, Americans will be forced to accept what they given and not what they want. If it was so, there would have been no Warby Parker giving us the eyewear we want. Of course, it is a multibillion company! This Medicare eyewear will affect Israel too, who now supplies us optical and medical instruments worth more than $2 billion.”

“Duke… that will be anti-Semitic if you see deeply.”

“Izzy that’s not all… this stress on reducing prescription medicine prices will directly hit the thriving Israeli pharmaceuticals sector, which exports us more than $2 billion worth of medicines…”

“Oh, Duke, this is another anti-Semitic thing.”

“Izzy, now what is the argument for cutting drug prices… that nearly one out of four Americans could not afford to fill the prescriptions their doctors wrote. This is America, these folks should be working to make more money instead of hitting the drug industry.

“You remember what the greatest president of America, Ronald Reagan said… trickle-down effect. And it is simple to understand. When people on top of the pyramid make more money, they spend and those lower down get it. Last year alone, six of the largest pharmaceutical companies made nearly $50 billion in profits and the ten highest paid executives in the industry made more than $500 million in compensation. And where did these $500 million go! Buying mega-mansions… buying mega-yachts. Aren’t people being employed to build mansions and yachts?”

“Duke you are right…”

“Izzy, just see the jobs the industry supports. To maintain their healthy pricing system, the drug companies hire nearly 1,500 lobbyists, including former leaders of the Republican and Democratic parties. That is 3 lobbyists for every member of Congress! So! Where do these 1,500 lobbyists live and play! Washington, D.C. of course! Aren’t these jobs keeping our capital alive and throbbing! And count the trickle-down effect!”

“Duke, lobbying is the backbone of our democracy. If there are no campaign funds, there will be no elections and no democracy. Period.”

“Izzy, one of the complaints is that Americans are paying, by far, the highest prices in the world for medicine – sometimes ten times more than the people in other countries. So! Isn’t America the greatest country in the world?

“You remember Obama and his Obama Care… what else you get from his vice-president! You know all these awful clauses like cheaper drugs and free eyewear and what are embedded in Biden’s $3.5 trillion Build Back Better Act.

“You know the ironic thing is that the Biden threat is putting more money into the economy. The pharmaceutical industry alone is now spending tons of millions of on lobbying, campaign contributions and advertising to alert Americans to the ill-effects of this legislation like the shrinkage to economy that will come when Medicare will be free to negotiate for lower prescription drug prices. Imagine the trauma of the investors in this industry…”

“Duke you are right. It doesn’t mean that you are not anymore spending $3 trillion in the Afghan war, that you squander it on supplying cheap drugs. There are so places to start wars. Keep that money where it belongs. Now just look at the indirect and induced employment associated with our aerospace and defense industry… guess!… More that 3.5 million jobs. I saw someplace that these jobs generated $324 billion in sales revenue in 2010, with $15.6 billion in net income after tax at an average pre-tax reported operating profit margin of 10.5 percent…. And that was ten years ago… got to find the current figures.

“And all this talk of raising taxes. These companies paid $5.5 billion in corporate income taxes on their earnings, as well as $1.7 billion in state income and similar business taxes. With individual direct employee taxes, the industry generated an estimated $37.8 billion in wage and income-based taxes to state and federal government treasuries, not including the taxes paid by indirect and induced industry employment.

“So now what is the hope with a tied Senate which has 50 members each of the Democratic and Republican caucuses and a House of Representatives which has a mere three-vote-majority for Democrats… some Democrats start thinking that sharing is not caring and let the trickle-down continue by defeating Biden.”

Sexually Transmitted Democracy is our Forte

The announcement that Bakhtawar Bhutto-Zardari, the daughter of former president Asif Ali Zardari and late ex-prime minister Benazir Bhutto, and her husband Mahmood Choudhry have been blessed with a baby boy Oct. 10, has created the need for urgent consultations among Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) leaders.

The issue is the line of succession: will it based on the law of primogeniture, or a system inscribed in the never-seen-will reported by their chairman Asif Zardari. The will’s first order made Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, the inheritor of the party.

Speculation is rife about the newborn’s position in the line of succession. Will succession be confined to Bilawal’s progeny, or his sisters Bakhtawar and Aseefa, also have a place in the succession plan?

While they cannot even dream of having a place in the upper hierarchy, but it is their express desire to be aware in what measure to obfuscate before their youngest master, and what percentages of their takes will have to be conveyed to his offshore accounts.

Of course, the entire crew has flown to Karachi to convey their congratulations to their masters, and of course to present their gifts personally to the chief master Asif Zardari.

Considering the state of stress among her colleagues, Sen. Sherry Rehman, party parliamentary leader and chair of the Senate foreign affairs committee, has arranged a meeting at her Karachi residence.

Sen. Raza Rabbani, elected a senator six times since 1993 from the Sindh and mindful of his seat’s future, offers, “Considering that our Master, Bilawal has spent considerable time in UK, I believe that the succession will be on the British royal family pattern, where lineage has moved to Charles, and from there it will move to William. Bakhtawar and Aseefa can have the situation like Princess Anne and Andrew…”

Unable to hold back, Qamar Zaman Kaira, a former minister of information, intervenes, “It is a victory for democracy! Our youngest leader is Bhutto-Choudhry! We got it made! We already own Sindh, and now with Bhutto-Zardari, this will go on, never ending. But with Bhutto-Choudhry, we are reentering Punjab. I can’t wait for the year to pass that Master Bhutto-Choudhry can serve as cover at our rallies in Punjab.”

Sindh information minister Saeed Ghani, thumping Kaira’s back, declares, “You are true jiyala… a true worshipper of our Master… this is a genius observation. In my capacity as minister of information serving under the guidance of Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, I will start planning the campaign immediately, so the moment our Master Bhutto-Choudhry take his first step, we will be all over the place with our Son of Soil, Son of Punjab campaign!”

Rabbani quickly adds, “I will be the first to pay my respects to Master Bhutto-Choudhry… I have to keep my senate seat till eternity. Who is better than me to take the Bhutto-Choudhry standard forward, one who is from an Arian family of Lahore?”

Hostess Sherry Rehman, applauding Kaira’s incisive observation, elaborates, “We have a winner. Sindh is ours, and Bhutto-Choudhry gets us Punjab! Qamar, rest assured, I will start working on my media friends to promote our Master Bhutto-Choudhry.

“While the succession will naturally be in our Master and Leader Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari’s bloodline, but like the lesser British royalty conduct public events, our Master Bhutto-Choudhry will be our asset…”

Raza Rabbani intervenes again, “Sherry we have to start with building from the cute baby state like you see Prince William’s children are conveyed to the public. Please note that I will keep my ponytail growing, which can be as a useful prop to portray Master Bhutto-Choudhry as a playful young leader.”

Sherry Rehman continues, “Raza, thank you. You are a giving leader, miles ahead of every jiyala in serving our Great Martyrs Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and Benazir Bhutto and those in whose veins their blood flows.”

Sindh assembly member Sharmila Farooqi tearfully offers, “It is heartbreaking, though Master Bhutto-Choudhry has a great teacher in his grandfather (Asif Zardari) in the art of shaking down the national exchequer, but my father [Usman Farooqi] would have been honored to share his knowledge too in nurturing our Master Bhutto-Choudhry. He is no longer with us, but he served our Great Master (Asif Zardari) and shook down the Pakistan Steel Mills for $1.95 billion…”

Sherry Rehman, hugging the teared up Sharmila, offers, “Yes, indeed, we have lost a genius. Shaking down $2 billion isn’t for those who are unimpaired morally.

“Now let’s get ready to go to Bilawal House and offer our congratulations to our Great Master. The House of Bhutto is blessed with another future heir. God bless sexually transmitted democracy – our forte and may we all continue to be blessed by its fruits.”

Cull Spineless Republicans to Save America

The October 9, Des Moines, Iowa, rally, which former President Trump calls a Million Plus rally, has hardened his stance for his 2024 run. Amid all the talk of 2024, the moment was a reminder that the rally was his chance to rally support ahead of next year’s midterms.

His big booster was Iowa’s own Sen. Chuck Grassley, 88, who welcomed him touting his record as one of promises made and promises kept.

With Grassley on his side, Trump set about to plan big. However, the first step before the big plunge is 2024 is to purge the Republican Party of those, he considers undesirables, to express is lightly though. In reality, he would prefer to give them the treatment that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman meted out to journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

There being no McDonald’s near his rally’s site, Iowa State Fairgrounds, Trump has opted to toddle with Grassley to much-touted The Republic on Grand restaurant at the Marriott Des Moines East Village. As he is being seated, he orders double cheeseburgers for himself and his guest, asking the server to bring him a stack of paper napkins and a ballpoint pen. He hopes to place these memorable paper products in the second Trump Presidential Library, which he plans to build on the front lawn of his Florida club, Mar-a-Lago. For the record, he has put up a note that the first Trump presidential library (2016-20 term) will be housed in his Midtown Manhattan, N.Y. Trump Tower condo.  

Trump, taking big gulps of Coke, spreads a paper napkin and drawing Grassley’s attention, starts [draws a large #1 sign on the napkins and crosses it out], “Chuck, let’s get to the basics. First, never again, Mike [Pence] is coming anywhere near Donald J. Trump! He is timider than a lame cat… you were at Capitol Hill on Jan. 6 [2021] and you know how he didn’t have the courage to do what should have been done to protect our Country and our Constitution, giving States a chance to certify a corrected set of facts, not the fraudulent or inaccurate ones which they were asked to previously certify.

“Chuck, Iowa loves Donald J. Trump. Thank you for sharing the latest Des Moines Register/Mediacom Iowa Poll… wow… 53% of Iowans have a favorable viewing of me… that’s the highest ever rating.

“Chuck, Iowa loves you too. You are my vice president. Period. I said, Period. You are returning to Senate, but you will leave your perch to be my vice president. Now that’s settled. We need to start the Trump Haters Purge, right at the 2020 midterms. Decided, no disloyal ones in the House and Senate.”

Hurriedly taking big bites into his hamburger interspaced by big gulps of Coke, Trump continues, “Ah, yes… the MAGA (Make America Great Again) thing is out… we’ve already done that; now we have Save America from Sleepy Joe’s [President Biden] slumber… look here [drawing attention to another scrawled paper napkin] Joe’s rat, George Clooney isn’t coming anywhere near Trump’s White house… do you know that he is going around calling me a knucklehead… even [North Korean leader] Kim Jong-un didn’t call me that after I called him Rocket Man. He said I am a dotard… whatever, must be better than knucklehead.”

Spreading another napkin, he scrawls a couple of names and cross them, and continues, “Never will that little boy [former New Jersey Governor] Chris Christie get near me, nor [former ambassador to UN] Nikki Haley. Just because Sleepy Joes has a half Indian vice president, I should go for Haley. No Sir.

“Chuck, you know it that I won Arizona, Georgia and Pennsylvania, but Republicans won’t listen to me get audits done of the vote counts. Chicken shit. Despite knowing all this, [House Minority Whip, Representative] Steve Scalise (R-La.), repeatedly refused to say that the 2020 election was stolen. Chuck, we need to remind him that he is up for reelection next year. NO siree, Donald J. Trump isn’t standing by him.

“Chuck here is list of Republican senators who must go: John Barrasso of Wyoming, Roy Blunt of Missouri, Susan Collins of Maine, John Cornyn of Texas, Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia, Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, Rob Portman of Ohio, Mike Rounds of South Dakota, Richard Shelby of Alabama, and John Thune of South Dakota.

“[Sen.] Mitch McConnell is another creep who needs to be thrown out. I am told that he calls me as a fading brand. Mitch doesn’t know the spread of Kardashian and I am a much larger brand.

“Chuck, I am digressing here a bit. We will have nothing to do with [former Treasury secretary] Steven Mnuchin. I hear that he is boasting that he helped dump my daughter, Ivanka’s appointment as World Bank president. Is there anyone more qualified than her? Even [Under Secretary of the Treasury for International Affairs David] Malpass said that Ivanka would be an extraordinary leader of the World Bank.

“Chuck, you know that everyone one is not awful as these un-American folks whom I just named. You have our Floridan [Representative Matt Gaetz whose said he won’t run if I do.

“Chuck, people are saying Nicki Minaj should be on Donald Trump’s ticket in 2024. They say that the rapper being a Trinidadian will be kind of matching Sleepy Joe’s Jamaican Indian Harris. Once we cull spineless Republicans to Save America, we have nothing to lose. And right now, I have with me Chuck Grassley, the 50th vice president of the United States of America.”

America Can Toss and See if Bilawal or Maryam Should Rule Pakistan

Sean Hannity of Hannity on Fox TV has scored a double-header, interviewing both former president of Pakistan, Asif Zardari and former three-times prime minister Nawaz Sharif.

Zardari joins from Bilawal House, Karachi, while Sharif, from his London Avenfield Apartments.

Hannity starts his program, “Welcome to Hannity on Fox. President Zardari and Prime Minister Sharif, I talked to Dr. Pervez Hood-boy [Hoodbhoy] last week who painted a very bleak picture of your country, with the uniform curriculum. He warned us of a bleak future where kids studying in mad-ray-saws (madrassa) will be using the same curriculum as in any other school in the country, especially the elite where kids of people like you go.”

Zardari responds, “Sean, I believe probably it slipped off Pervez’s mind to point out that the kids in schools are called schoolboys and schoolgirls, while madrassa and government school students are called talib-‘ilm …”

Hannity exclaims, “Thank you, President Zardari for the insight. I am sure that American policymakers would be knowing about it that closest to our American interests will be the schoolboys and schoolgirls.”

Sharif exclaims, “Yes, Mr. Shone (Sean), my brother Asif is right. When I was a student at Saint Anne-tho-nee (Anthony) School, Lawrence Road, Lahore, Pakistan, I was always known as schoolboy, never as talib-‘ilm… all the way from when I was little boy, middle boy and big boy…

“Mr. Shone, when my little brother (Shehbaz Sharif) is not besides me, I always take out notes from my pockets when I have to talk. Let me see if I pull out the right note to tell you what is difference between a schoolboy and talib-‘ilm… OK… Wow, I pulled out the right one!

“Mr. Shone because my parents never wanted me to get ‘ilm, which, I am told, in Islamic point of view is an all-embracing term covering theory, action and education; but also embraces sociopolitical and moral aspects, insight, and commitment to the goals of Islam. Now, Mr. Shone tell me what politicians have to do with morality?” 

Hannity raises the issue of prime minister Imran Khan not meeting with [U.S.] deputy secretary of State Wendy Sherman, and Zardari is quick to pick up the discussion.

“Sean, it has been three years and more and this prime minister has time for nothing else than talk about corruption. He has turned his anti-corruption thing into a nightmare for us, the politicians… and I mean when we are having a fallow period, then you can comprehend that so many others who look to us for things like junkets are suffering too. There is general misery.

“Sean, you know the last time an American president invited Imran Khan was Trump… and how does the head of a nuclear-powered country arrive on an official visit! Flying commercial. I used to take along family and friends, party faithful, and journalists. We would be arriving three Boeings furnished first class.

“Now, Sean, tell me, what is wrong with theft or corruption? Isn’t it the engine of progress?

“Let me cite, an example from your own country. When Steve Jobs needed it grow Apple, didn’t he steal the Windows software from Hewlett-Packard, and in turn when Bill Gates needed it to grow Microsoft, he stole it from Steve. And what you get is two amazing technology companies.

“Now, did Hewlett-Packard or HP, as they call themselves now, really need Windows when all they do is make printers. Take for example, after I left the presidency, it was my brother Nawaz who became prime minister. You know heads of governments exchange gifts.

“Now my brother Nawaz only cherishes lassi, which you know is a yogurt and milk shake. Consider the situation, if, when he visits France, President Macron gifts him a case of Dom Perignon Rosé Vintage Champagne…”

Hannity interjects, “Wow, like starts at $400 for a 750-milliliter bottle… a case must be like more than $6000.”

Zardari continues, “Yes, Sean, you are quick at math… now imagine what is this $6000 worth of great bubbly doing in some storeroom. So, it would be right for me to steal and render unto bubblies what they are created for.

“Sean, do you judge the situation?”

Hannity looking concerned, asks, “Mr. Zardari and Mr. Sharif, you want change in your country?”

Zardari, quick to comprehend, starts, “Sean change is overdue. Don’t you think three plus years of suffering aren’t more agony than enough?”

Hannity asks, “What sort of change you look forward to?”

Zardari once again is quick to respond, “Sean, America knows well who serves its interests. You remember that when I was president, I told the then CIA director Gen. Michael Hayden in New York on November 12, 2008, that you drone Pakistan to your heart’s desire because collateral damage worries you Americans. It does not worry me.

“Sean, I would like that you recommend my son, Bilawal as prime minister. He is young and hasn’t worked even a nanosecond in life. He is as naïve as baby and will sign on anything presented to him if comes with a check addressed to me.”

Nawaz Sharif speedily intervenes, “NO. Mr. Shone, with Taliban next door, America cannot give control to a little boy. Only my Maryam… my daughter is qualified to be prime minister.

Mr. Shone, “Now the assistant to President Obama, Joe Biden is president, and he should be remembering how much his boss’ wife loved my Maryam. When I took Maryam with me to Washington, D.C. in America, First Lady Michelle Obama was so impressed that she walked over to that small desk in the White House and wrote out a check for $70 million for her to enhance education for females in Pakistan… you know, besides one boy, Maryam is mother of two girls too… this check is in fact, coming in handy since I am not ruling there after August 2018.”

Zardari, of course, can’t take it lying down, interjects, “Sean, America can toss and see if Bilawal or Maryam should rule Pakistan.”

Only Good Times were in the Yesterday’s Yesterday

The self-assumed Pakistan Democratic Movement (PDM), an alliance of opposition parties, has invited their choice of journalists for dinner at the Pakistan Muslim League’s (N) Model Town imposing headquarters that stands on land meant for a public park in Lahore.

The security is strict, and on the lookout for any listening devices because only two years ago, former President Asif Ali Zardari got a Rs. 50 million house bought for his Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Punjab office; and that too located in this headquarters’ neighborhood. Of course, the registry, instead of the party, is in his children’s name — Bilawal Bhutto, Bakhtawar and Assefa.

Prior to welcoming their invitees, the PDM parties heads met to decide what they will convey to the media.

Fazl notes, “Now the PDM is right, five members — PML-N, Jamiat Ulema-i-Islam (JUI-F), Pakhtunkhwa Milli Awami Party (PkMAP), National Party (NP) and Balochistan National Party (BNP-Mengal). First it was how many members… good, that PPP and [Awami National Party] ANP left… it looked like a cricket team and who knows PTI would have taken the cue and attacked us on trying to play with an eleven when we don’t know which end of the bat to hold.”

Before Fazl could continue, Shehbaz steps in, “In this great struggle, we should use our first line of offense. Now what do I mean by that? Consider, our party’s most valuable asset, Asma Shirazi. We have nurtured her with free hajj and free vacations. And she is using her Aaj News Faisla Aap Ka perch to serve us.”

Fazl, gently massages his abdomen and restarts, “My dear brother, you have made a very valuable point here. To follow-up on your lead, I will hold a one-to-one meeting with her after we conclude our media meeting. We need to support them, so they fight our war fearlessly. I have spent more than a few hours to devise this fatwa, which I will convey personally to her. Yes, hajj only comes once a year, but our spearheads like Asma deserve more. My finding is that any number of umra, although being a lesser pilgrimage, are equal to hajj if they are performed on taxpayers’ expense.”

Shehbaz adds, “My dear Respected Brother, we have other arrows too in our quiver. Take for instance, Najam Sethi, who seems too liberal but is a dedicated Imran hater. Not to forget Mansoor Ali Khan… and yes, another star is Gharida Farooqi who uses her G for Gharidah… and Shahzeb Khanzada… the list is healthy…

“We will have to work, day and night, and direct all resources to bring the country back to the pre-2018 state… I mean pre-August 2018 state. Now just look at the foreign exchange reserves. Let me cite figures. In May 2018, when our party reigned, the reserves were $9,509 million, and now they are more than $22,866 million. What are all these dollars doing in Islamabad! They should be in offshore accounts like mine, increasing our holdings. Imagine how London’s financial district would have made better use of them.

“We are telling the media that holding elections is the quickest way to recommence Pakistan’s journey.”

Fazl quickly adds, “Yes, indeed… very quickly… immediately… we can’t give Imran Khan the space to enforce Electronic Voting Machines… EVMs or whatever… I call them, Evil Vending Machines… these Satanic machines will lead to poverty among our ranks… the real leaders.

“No transparent elections are possible when voters can’t physically cast their own votes. My fatwa is clear on this.”

Shehbaz, thumbs up, adds, “My Respected Brother, we should get your EVM fatwa wider coverage on Asma’s Faisla Aap Ka.”

Fazl nodding his appreciation, chimes, “Imagine, the coverage she will give me after I relate to her the free hajj fatwa. I am always game to giving fatawa. Asif Zardari has been branded, Mr. 10%. If the price is right, I can give him a fatwa that he should get a much higher rate.

“Sorry for the digression. We, or at least I will tell them that the military should be disciplined and strengthened for the country’s defense. This army is costing us $9 billion, but it is no match for my Ansar-ul Islam… they silence anyone even dares to whisper against me, and the real commander-in-chief material is our dear, Qazi Mehboob-ul-Haq.

“Shehbaz, honestly tell me what has the military done for us… I mean, me. Ayub had his first martial law, and how many ministers from my party …. Yahya came next, no minister from my party… and this religious Zia, and again none from my party… and Musharraf had none either…”
Shehbaz interrupts, “My Respected Brother, let us get our notes ready for our talk with the media. Here is my approach, I will deliver an opening statement where I will relate full details of all free things that we gave in all of our three stints… the free hajj… the all-expense paid overseas trips… anything to buy a heart and soul.

“I will deliver such a powerful message that all of invitees will unanimously declare that only good times were in the yesterday’s yesterday.”

Living up to raison d’etre

Immediately after signing of the visa exemption agreement between Israel and the United Arab Emirates (UAE) with Israeli interior minister Ayelet Shaked, a high-level meeting has been called by Prince Mohammed bin Zayed (MBZ), deputy supreme commander of the United Arab Emirates Armed Forces, at his Qaṣr Al-Waṭan – the presidential palace in Abu Dhabi.

MBZ, the de facto ruler of UAE, controlling almost every aspect of UAE policymaking, is also crown prince of Abu Dhabi, and its de facto ruler.

Present are prime minister Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, interior minister Saif bin Zayed Al Nahyan, and foreign minister Abdullah bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan. The ambassador to the UK Mansoor Abulhoul and ambassador to the U.S., Yousef Al Otaiba are on zoom.

A larger-than-life portrait of Lord Balfour encased in a diamond studded gold frame hangs of the wall looking down at the convened.

Saif speaks out, “God be praised, I am now part of history. It is only by the blessing of Lord Balfour that I had the good fortune of signing the visa agreement with my brother, Mr. Ayelet Shaked. He graciously gifted me the ballpoint pen, with which he signed the document.”

MBZ quickly adds, “Saif, immediately send it to The Louvre Abu Dhabi, with instructions that it should be prominently displayed in the Abrahamic Agreement section.”

Abdullah, thumbs up, adds, “We should get the agreement etched on gold plates and presented to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth and President Biden to assure them of our sincere commitment to Israel. May Lord Balfour be pleased.”

Saif [thumbs up] offers, “Yes, fantastic idea. And it has to be absolutely the best. I am flying out this afternoon to London, and I will get it done in my presence at Boodles Bond Street. They have always excelled. No doubt, established over two centuries ago, Boodles is committed to achieving excellence in all facets of design, craftsmanship and service.”

MBZ, pointing at the two ambassadors, asks, “I will be coming with these to London and onward to Washington, D.C. to present them to Her Majesty and the President.

“Of course, we are Number One — the first Arab country to sign a visa waiver agreement with Israel. Before the ink could dry, our move was followed by Bahrain, Sudan, and Morocco.

“You will recall that when I was signing the Abrahamic Accord, my brother, Benjamin Netanyahu, who was prime minister then, was concerned about potential misunderstandings and incidents stemming from cultural differences between Israelis and Emiratis. I immediately put his apprehension to rest. I said that I will order and each and every Emirati will develop true love for Israelis.”

Abdullah chimes, “And Israel opened its Dubai Expo pavilion with a big bash… a really glittering show. You know, this being world expo, we had to host various smaller pavilions including one of Palestine. Our interior department did a great job. They caught anything anti-Israel and it was dumped. Some crafty Palestinian was trying to display a t-shirt that said ‘The Terrorist country of IxxxHELL’…”

MBZ adds, “Our blessed father, Lord Balfour created us for a purpose, and we are living up to it…. Notably, even Israel’s closest ally, the United States, has so far refused to sign a visa exemption agreement with the Jewish state.”

Saif continues, “We stopped some shipment of items, which were to be displayed at the Expo. Yes, the agricultural monitor did a great job.  We blocked Palestinian oranges and honey unless it gets approved and clearance.”

Abdullah offers, “Yes, all this great but I would suggest that we also present a silver version of the treaty to Elizabeth Grace Sugg, Baroness Sugg, CBE, who is the [British] minister for the overseas territories. You know that this post was formerly known as the secretary of state for the colonies… the ministry that oversaw our creation and birth.”

Once again MBZ goes thumbs up and adds, “Saif, you hold your flying to London a bit, I will call Ayelet and we will add a clause that this facility will never be offered by us to any Palestinian.

“Lord Balfour be praised, we want to assure that we will always be living up to raison d’etre, serving the British scheme they birthed us for.”